Sarah Nyhan

For five years I’ve been trying to move on. To the next chapter of my life. To advance my career. Among many other things. And I have learned, experienced, and grown so much during that time. But I haven’t been able to move on. When before it seemed so easy. Like God would even roll out the red carpet for me.

I spent the majority of the last five years trying to open doors I thought seemed logical to go through next. And each time a big fat no. Slammed in my face. Over and over.

“But I thought this is where we were going, God? I thought this is what You were preparing me for?”

“Not at the expense of losing you in the process. Not at the expense of your healing. I don’t leave any of My kids behind. And none of you will be left behind either.”

I told my brother yesterday that I don’t think God is going to let me move on before I master the lessons I’m supposed to master right where I now am. And have been for some time.

Not as punishment.

But because a lot of the healing in me is that I had been treated a certain way for so long that I was ready to just settle for crumbs. When God wants me to have my own whole damn cake.

See, how it works is that you get used to how people have treated you. To the point where you don’t even remember what any different, and specifically better, would feel like. You accepted this lot in life so long ago that you kinda gave up and started to try to make it feel like home. When that was never the point, never the goal.

There is zero condemnation. Maybe from others who aren’t yet ready to face their own shit, their own vulnerability. But not from The One who has always held your soul safe from even the entirety of hell that has tried to come up against it and your heart.

You can start over. You can begin again. As soon as you decide to.

Me also.

I can’t explain to you the level of self-abandonment that I was taught to get used to. Where even when I was a child who was burning my arms with cigarettes and lighters, cutting myself with razor blades – even then nobody except paid professionals ever asked why or what was wrong. The message was and has been abundantly clear: shut up and take whatever shit you’re given. Smile and like it.

To be sure, by others who had abandoned themselves probably even decades prior. Because of people who had abandoned them. And it doesn’t take a scientist to see how this cycle can continue to repeat. If you let it.

I tried to tow the line for so long. Until I almost tapped out because I had nothing left.

And this is where Love stepped in when I wasn’t strong enough. Over and over again.

But it didn’t look like the white knight in shining armor coming to whisk me away. Or a fairy godmother. Or winning the lottery.

No, my healing looked like the aftermath of a disaster. It looked like my entire life blowing up. Over and over. Every time I tried to build myself a proverbial little homeless shelter under some bridge of a less than thrilling relationship. Set up camp in so many places that were only meant to be pit stops. Stepping stones. (The worth of all those involved not in any way lessened.)

And that’s where I have been the last five years. So ready to settle for another job, another grind. I’m not afraid of working myself away for almost nothing. Do you hear me? This is absolutely not about arrogance. I’ve been so ready over and over to settle for pittance after pittance. Even begged and prayed for so little. When God wanted more for me all along than I even dreamed possible.

I think I haven’t been able to find the job I want because it would have meant me becoming so comfortable that I wouldn’t have been hungry enough to fight for more. I would have been satisfied enough with so little. I would have so easily continued to deny myself all that God had created for me. It was second nature.

I’ve been just like those Israelites. How many years did they fight to go back to Egypt and become slaves again? They could have experienced their deliverance at any time during those forty years. But they were so scared, the abuse of the Egyptians had sunk in so well, that they cried and pleaded to go back to jail. To be beaten and starved.

Freedom was that overwhelming to them. And to us.

God gives the green light how many times over? But instead of trusting God’s heart, as clearly evidenced many times over even in the absolute destruction of the many doors we attempt to use to return to the familiarity of our prior imprisonments, we refuse to even give ourselves permission to desire more.

That’s what systematic sustained abuse will do. It will have you fighting to return to your vomit. Fighting to give back to your abusers the very power they used to destroy you.

We abandoned ourselves that much. And God refuses to let us become comfortable there.

I’m not here as punishment. I’m here so I’ll get sick of it. So the pain will wake me up. To fight for myself. To begin to value myself even a smidgen of a percent that God sees worth in me. Not because God doesn’t want me to have it all. But because that’s what I can handle right now.

They told me I wasn’t smart. That I make stuff up. They gaslit me into thinking I was asking for too much. When I never even scratched the surface.

That’s why I am here. To even begin to learn my power.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with honest work that comes from even the most unappreciated job. That’s not the point. You’ve proved your willingness to be humble – ad nauseam. Unless you need another how many laps in the desert to convince yourself yet again?

No, this is about our freedom. Co-signed by our Creator. We won’t take it too far. God has more confidence in us than we ever dared for ourselves. If God believes in us then what are we waiting for?

Freedom looks different for each of us.

For me, it looks like the means to buy back my time. Through business ownership. And the resources to do more. Which is only going to come through discipline.

Someone told me once before that I just didn’t want to take responsibility. That that was the reason I am in this situation.

Without affording me a conversation to explore more of what was really going on.

And comments like that have the danger of really sinking in. Especially when they come from people we value.

So Spirit even leads us out to whatever desert we need to do however many laps we need until we see ourselves accurately. As They do. Through Love that will never stop fighting for us. No matter how many times we are willing to give up.

We think we can cover up and hide our shame from everyone else. That they’ll never know if we refuse to admit it. That we can put on enough lipstick and makeup, even show after show, to try to distract everyone from what is really going on.

But we’re really not fooling anyone. Not even ourselves if we’d quit distracting ourselves for long enough to get quiet and still and think about it.

It’s painfully obvious. People don’t call us out just because they know we don’t want to face it. They are sparing our feelings. As long as we want. Until their own healing propells them onward.

How many more years will you let go by? How many more relationships? How much more happiness will you allow this to corrode away?

The problem is not them. There will always be someone in this role in another form or fashion until you face what’s really going on. It’s not about anyone else. Not this time or most of the other times before.

No, this is about you. Your healing. You getting what you really want.

And maybe you can’t see it. Maybe it’s been so long that you forgot. Maybe your tricks to try to convince everyone else worked best on yourself.

If so, just ask. Yeah, either way – just begin by asking to see whatever it is that you need to see. Asking to hear whatever it is that you need to hear.

You can navigate almost any pain if you understand the meaning for it. If there is some sense you can make of it. Some hope that can be found. More than platitudes offered with the best intentions by even me. So ask for that also.

You’ve fought for so long, so so long, for everyone else. Now it’s time to fight for yourself.

You know how to love everyone else. Now it’s time to learn how to love and value yourself.

You can see the good and potential in even the worst of others. Now it’s time to go back and get the best of you that wasn’t safe to bring out before. Now it’s your time to shine.

To find that Life you can enJoy. Maybe again or even for the first time. Where laughter and happiness come easily, naturally, organically.

Where Love is real and abundant. Not just for everyone else. But especially and personally for you.

Will you join me on this adventure? Will you give yourself permission to explore what else could be out there for you?