My beliefs dramatically changed five years ago. The foundational beliefs of the core of my being. Everything. Completely gut-wrenching even if in the best way.
I never anticipated all that would be impacted. I thought there was just going to be an intellectual reorganization. But no, I feel like every single last part of my world has been flipped upside down. I literally have nothing to stand on anymore except I am sure God Loves me.
And one of the most difficult and painful parts of this transformation has been the loss of community. It’s probably a good thing that I struggled to ever fit in as much as I barely did. Because the agony over losing everyone has been piercing. I can’t imagine if I had been more integrated.
It feels sometimes like it would be easier to go back to the hell of before. At least I had company then.
But now I’d have to be obliterated out of my mind to tolerate what I used to put up with. I wouldn’t be able to stomach it. It would eat me up from the inside out.
So I’m stuck in this awful middle place. Too conservative for the non-believers and too liberal for the believers. I literally can’t win.
I’ve finally stopped fighting it. And accepted that I am still in a very long season of healing. Not only surgery, but lots of mental and emotional rehabilitation to strengthen the new spiritual legs I’ve been given.
Currently focusing on learning to be okay with me. Working on trying not to play small. To honor and even celebrate all of me. The uniqueness that is this collection of attributes that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s okay because I wasn’t created to be. Look at Creation. It would be terrible if we were all the same. So I’m becoming my own best friend. Learning how to not outsourcing self-love. And then see who eventually has enough courage to come alongside and publicly claim me.
Even if it isn’t my preference, I’m now okay living in the dissonance of not always jiving with every last person. But it’s easier if the ones out of alignment are those I’m not interested in connecting with.
What I expected was rejection from people whose beliefs are what I came out of. What I did not anticipate was the rejection of those that I thought were with me on this new path. That was pretty devastating. You think you found some new friends, some cohorts for the journey. But no, the celebration starts to end as instead they also back off. And it’s initially difficult to understand why. Pain making everything so intense. Clouding bigger vision.
There are probably several reasons, but one in particular hit me today: some people don’t want to pay the cost for more freedom; they’ve decided to settle for what appears to look like just a more comfortable prison.
I can’t blame them too much. I’ve been there. Hell, I am in the fight even now. And the cost is a lot. Healing, true healing is far from cheap. You will pay for every last bit.
Maybe the easier parts at first, but then that shit gets DEEP. All the way down to the stuff you even forgot about. Those pains that stretch all the way back. Been dragged along this whole time. Through every relationship.
You were content to let sleeping dogs lie. But Spirit knows what great good is in it for you if you dare to lean in. Not for anyone or anything else. This isn’t about the world right now – this is about you. That part of you that you’ve never trusted with anyone. The parts you can barely think about.
And people spend their whole lives running from this opportunity. Medicating themselves legally or illegally. Distracting themselves into oblivion. Working so much that they are too tired to think or feel. That’s probably what I leaned toward.
Or enveloping themselves with the lives of so many others in an effort to forget their own. Somewhat existing vicariously if they can manage to suppress their jealousy at least openly.
Until some crisis happens and you are all alone. With your thoughts. Your heart. No one or nothing else there. Just you and God.
You can keep running but it’s always going to come back to this. Until you face it. Until you go through it.
A million different ways. You’ll be off thinking you are doing a new thing. And somehow, someway it will always boil down to this: the next step in your healing.
Not for your shame or punishment. Although sometimes we put it off so long that natural consequences have stacked up. But even then I trust that the real life and real love you want is on the other side. Because God doesn’t ever do abandonment.
On this side things may never be able to go back to how they were, but there’s a reason they were allowed to fall apart in the first place. And if the future is different than you wish, that doesn’t mean there won’t be any good. Or even better. Despite our ability to imagine it.
You paint your limitations on the situation. You don’t factor in your God. Whose mercies are endless. You put the picture of someone who hurt you on Their face. And it isn’t true. There has always been One rooting for you even all the times you messed up. All the times you fell down and gave up.
This is only the end if you let it be. Sure, there are no guarantees. But if you’ve already lost so much, then why not intentionally risk just a little more?
Your healing will happen in real time. With real people. Not just an intellectual exercise. But the good news is so will the benefits. Much more than the going through motions you valiantly tried to settle for all this time.
What if everything you tried to convince yourself to live without is just waiting for you on the other side of simply being open to starting to say yes? Or no. Whichever it is for you today.
I’d love to have the answers and give you the green light, but I’m not that smart. And in my experience, God may not give you the easy way out either. Because this is personal. This is your sweet heart and soul being cleansed from what was done to you. So the new and better has a place to land. For you, even if purely for your enjoyment. And you could use maybe more than a little relief, eh?
But the point is you have to want it for yourself. It’s not enough that God values you. Obviously. Trinity wants you to value yourself. Love yourself as much as you are Loved.
So, ask if I’m wrong. I dare you. Ask not for a sign, but for eyes to see and ears to hear. All that’s really out there. For you first.
Sarah Nyhan 
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