Sarah Nyhan

I wonder if it takes more faith to say no to God than to say yes. I wonder if that’s the whole point. If that’s why I have been wandering around in the desert. Doing nothing but laps for the past five years. Because I wouldn’t tell God no. I wouldn’t give up.

We say, “Yep, can’t save myself.” Eternally. But what about today? What if the same applies?

What if religion is our attempt to please God so that we can manipulate Trinity into doing certain things for us. And what if God would love to do those things for us, but refuses to ruin us in the process by allowing us to think we manipulated Them? That we earned anything.

When God wants us to know that good Dads don’t do that. Good Dads don’t make their kids jump through hoops in order to control them. Good Dads don’t have a power trip or an ego to stroke. Good Dads don’t play tricks.

Because of some stuff that happened when I was a kid, I had regular terrible nightmares all the way up until my late 30s. It was always the same – someone or something chasing after me. And I was completely frozen in the nightmares. Never able to scream or fight back. Only able to run. And waking up just before they attacked or grabbed me.

I remember how amazed I was when after all those decades, I started to be able to say no just in my nightmares. I even emailed my former counselor the first time it happened. I was so surprised and elated to finally be able to have a breakthrough even just in my dreams.

It would be several more years before I had a nightmare where I was finally able to scream. In that dream, I remember yelling and yelling and yelling over and over and over: “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! LEAVE!” Once I finally was able to raise my voice and scream, years and years of pent up anger and frustration wanted to get out. Even if only in my nightmares.

Again, another monumental moment when I was able to actually move my arms and legs and fight and kick back in my nightmares one time. That was incredible. It took over thirty years. People don’t understand how significant it really is. Unless you’ve lived it.

I think I know what happened, what the catalyst was for the changes I was able to make in my nightmares. I think all of that happened around the time that I finally started standing up for myself. Around the time I left Manna House is close to when it began. Because leaving that position at least to me was like saying no to God. In a big way. Taking a chance on myself. Valuing me for once.

The preacher emailed me about being a servant days before I finally quit. And all these years people have been telling me to do the same: sit down and shut up. Just take it. Be a good girl.

And maybe all along God was teaching me to say, “Fuck that!”

I always was good at submitting. Too good. To the point where I second-guessed any dissatisfaction with anything as a lack in me rather than an indicator that someone else could possibly be wrong. And plenty of people have taken advantage of that. As long as I let them. Until the pain finally woke me up.

All these years God was trying to help me see how much Trinity LOVES me. Not because of anything I do or say.

No matter what anyone else says. No matter if the whole damn world rejects me. Because I won’t lay or kneel down.

Pretty much, fuck everyone. And every damn thing that comes against God’s Love for me.

All this time God was teaching me to say no. Teaching me that I could love people and still let them go. That it doesn’t depend on me. That I don’t have to sacrifice myself to try to save them especially when they clearly aren’t interested in changing. That I could trust Them with everything and everyone.

And until I did, I’d just be banging my head over and over. Going in circles. All the while those who had enough faith and belief to say no were living it up having everything I wanted.

I didn’t trust God’s Love for me, so I didn’t trust God’s Love for you. Maybe you had to be taken away from me just because I didn’t realize there wasn’t anything I needed to do to make you stay. Just like God Loves me because God Loves, so also you will love me if that’s who you are and what you do. I don’t have to worry about it. About you, me, or anyone and anything else.

Here is the day that has been made for us. And I am going to enjoy it to the best of my ability. Without guilt. That is my act of faith, my worship.