Sarah Nyhan

A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

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Before we parted ways that night, you suggested we meet for coffee before church the upcoming Sunday. You suggested the shop across the street from CCSA.

I was surprised that you showed up. I expected you to go home and rethink everything. But there you were, on time. Even made it before me.

After a few awkward moments getting adjusted to meeting in the bright light of day, we were quickly off to the races and again talked for hours. Never made it over to hear the sermon.

It seemed like the conversation went on and on for pretty much the next two and a half years. First coffee, then texts, then emails, then restaurants, then movies, then parks, and much more. By the end, how many times did we talk on the phone until two or three in the morning? Me curled up in bed almost asleep as you talked while you sat in your ice baths. 😅 Only cutting you off so I could wake up in the morning and function.

What happened? Where did my best friend go? What went wrong?

Or was it ever right? Did I just see something that wasn’t there?

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I had a scheduled pickup off Park Road 37 this morning. It was such a beautiful day. Bright blue sky and warm sunshine after an overcast week of rain.

It didn’t hit me until I started driving – that was one of the first of many drives you took me on. So I took a quick detour down to the park. Remembering.

I don’t think I’d ever been over there during the day. You always took me at night.

Back in the beginning I was scared. I didn’t know you yet. We had been hanging out, but not like this. Not in the pitch black of dark in the middle of nowhere. But I let you drive me because you didn’t have bad energy. Definitely a rarity.

I hadn’t dated men in over ten to fifteen years. Only dated women after the last guy said he’d take care of me until I sobered up to drive home. Back when I worked at Dell in Austin. Then took me to a park down the street. Started grabbing on me. Sticking his mouth in my face. Then matter of factly asked me to suck his dick. Just like that. First time hanging out.

I told him he’d have to take care of that himself. He took me back to his truck and then went over to the playground equipment on his own. After he was done, he coldly took me immediately back to my car. So much for being concerned about my safety.

Then told everyone at work the next day that we had sex in a motel room off the highway. Which NEVER happened. That’s the last time I was ever alone with a man in his vehicle. Or even considered one.

Before that, a different guy. This one said he was taking me home after the big game when I was thirteen. Supposed to be my boyfriend. Told me he loved me. Gave me one of the bigger mums. Back when stupid shit like that passed for something.

But on the way to the house, he also turned cold. Ordered me to unbutton my blouse. Physically forced my head down. While he was driving to a rock quarry. Where he didn’t care that I said no repeatedly.

So there you were navigating the hairpin turns on Park Road 37. In the dark. At night. And we were just friends, but I didn’t have a good history. Although this time surely my weight would protect me. Keep me out of danger now versus when I was fitter years before. So I tried not to worry.

There were a few people when we arrived. Like they were wrapping up after a day out on the lake. And we walked around and then stood there on the shore as you pointed out the landscape.

At some point I decided to sit down on the ground. But the area was so dark that the stars were bright and vivid. And not one to let a good moment like that go to waste, I decided to lay down completely. Flat on my back on the chalky, rocky ground.

Would you reject me? Were you, the doctor wearing button-up shirts and driving a Mercedes, too good for something and someone as “country” as this? Would you look down on me for getting so low and dirty? Would you feel embarrassed because of me? Would this be our last time hanging out? Would you be quick to ditch me for people who were more prim and proper?

You surprised me. It only took you a few seconds and then you laid down right beside me on the ground. I could barely believe it; I almost held my breath as if any movement would break whatever spell compelled you.

But we were there for a long time. Jusy lying on the ground by the shore. Looking up at the stars. As the waves calmly went back and forth.

I didn’t feel you judge me. On the contrary, it seemed like you released a bunch of energy when you joined me. Like a kid part of you jumped out for a few brief moments of freedom and relief. Happy. That was my impression at least. That an even realer you than I previously had known was the one who laid down next to me. And I liked him, that guy.

You respected me. That night I started to let go and feel safer. And heal from what others had done to me. As you pointed out the constellations, planes, satellites, and Space Station. It was really cool. That time with you.

Nothing physical happened. We just laid there looking at the stars for a long time. Talking. And listening to the waves, the sounds of night. Before eventually getting up and driving away. Calm. Peaceful.

That’s how I felt with you. Which was so rare for me. Especially with a man.

You took me back there a few more times. One of many more drives. Always my favorite times. I miss them so much.

But maybe it was just special to me? You probably took many that way. Was it just another day for you? Did it mean anything even just as friends? Or was I just making something out of nothing?