Sarah Nyhan

A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

Why did I have to be named after a woman whose life was defined by a dream? Who went twenty years before seeing what she thought she was promised?

Was the dream and promise only manifested after she gave up? Was that part of the plan? Or were the results of her failure to believe avoidable if she had just hung in there a little longer?

When do you give up on a dream? When do you give up on a vision?

Why is it said that Jesus couldn’t do miracles because of their unbelief or lack of faith? Was that just the writer’s opinion? How can we know? Are those words even applicable to us today? What has God said to us today about these things? Have we even asked instead of endlessly pontificating? Surely we have cried out. Should we cry out more or are we already crying out too much?

If all we hear is silence then does that mean we should stop and pause? Or is silence a green light to move forward? When is a “sign” co-signed? Versus just yet another invitation to healing?

We have Gideon asking for and receiving signs. But then Jesus is quoted as saying that a wicked and perverse generation asks for signs. How do those two ideas go together? Who decides?

I could take all of this to God, but how do I even trust my own mind? How do I know it is You, God, versus just me making stuff up?

I believe You will use whatever we bring You for ultimate good, but I don’t want to be the rich young ruler walking off, not yet getting it. I don’t want to be David who You didn’t stop from murdering an innocent man in pure cold-hearted greed. I don’t want to be Judas. You looked him straight in the eye as he gave you a kiss. You didn’t stop him. How do I know when to stop?

Joseph. You had him down in a dungeon. He had been so excited for You. He tried to do everything right. And you let him suffer a lot. Same with so many others. Why? It seems so cruel. You could just write the truth in the sky for all to see. You could justify those that love and seek You that way. But you don’t. Why? At what cost is relationship with You down here so important if it means we are marooned alone year after painful year? For how long? Until we break? Why?

Please help me remember that You are good, God. That You love me. That You love us. The intellectual exercises only get me so far. I need You to be really real for me. For us.

You don’t seem to care about things we see as successful. That is so hard for me. It seems like this would be so much easier if You gave me the platform. What good does it do for me to be where people look down on me? How does that help share the good news? People dismiss me so quickly. Even You supposedly said, “make friends for yourselves by means of the mammon of unrighteousness; that when it fails, they may receive you into the eternal dwellings.” What did You mean by that?!

How are we supposed to know? All these translations. All these teachings. All these “signs”. Am I just reading too much into certain things? What is the point? Where is the meaning?

Are those the things You said as You cried out and even sweat blood in a garden? When all Your friends abandoned You to endure the biggest trial before You? They didn’t get You. They didn’t get what You were facing.

I feel You enough to know I am not abandoned, but we want so much more, Lord. We want to show Love but we are tired of hearing the Goliaths mock You and us. Tired of our meekness being taken for weakness. Tired of well-meaning people being utterly shattered and broken over and over. For how long? Forever?

We can even get to the place where we genuinely wish healing versus punishment just for the sake of in regards to even those who have brutally crushed us the most. But when, Lord? How much more of this can we take until we are so beaten down that we give up and our grief turns us into them?

We can even agree that it might be beneficial to everyone for us to experience some things that help us develop empathy for how even the worst offenders may have gone through so much that they just couldn’t take it anymore and gave in. But to what extent, Jesus? Until the whole world has gone crazy and destroyed each other? What is the point of all this?

We’re not going to get it on our own. At least not for many more generations if it’s just up to us. If You’re dropping hints and it’s up to us to pick them up. This ship is way off course and there aren’t even enough people to begin drifting it back in line anytime soon without You. Children and children are being born not to those who mourn, but rather it seems to those who glory in the absolute insanity of everything that is going on. The others are sad, scared to bring life into this mess. How is that good? Is Your love through the few of us actually enough to bring real and measurable change? We don’t see it right now, Father.

Where are You, God? When do we give up on You? When do we decide that we missed You somehow, somewhere along the way? When do we surmise that it must be up to us in order to find some happiness in this life? Any way we can scrounge some up?

I heard that time is for us here and now; not for You. So what does that mean? That everything is already okay? And always was? And if so, what do I do with that now? In the face of what looks like so many problems. Why not just say “fuck it” and dive into endless hedonism if nothing here means anything?

I don’t want to fail and risk the chance that I’ll get recycled back to this life again and have to keep living the shit until I get it right. Until we all get it right. That’s depressing.

Where is the real hope, God? They say You endured the horrific crucifixion because of the joy set before You. What joy, Lord? At one time I thought I saw it. But it’s been so long. Maybe I forgot. Or just don’t know anymore. Was I wrong?

Please, God. Help us truly see and believe.

What matters? Love, sure. But we thought we’ve tried that for so long and it feels like we haven’t moved far at all. How much longer? How much more? Is anything even happening? Is any real progress ever going to be made? So many more questions than answers.

But we haven’t found anyone or anywhere else to turn to. You alone are and have Life. We are just tired of waiting so long for the part where it is abundantly more than we can ask or imagine.

You told us over and over not to be afraid. Can we really just stand still and see Your salvation, Lord? Are we all just doing repeated laps in the desert because we won’t believe it’s that simple? Our repeated “failures” just experienced until we finally give up on our strength and instead enter Your true rest? In order to embrace even more freedom and joy that comes from increasingly knowing how much You love us? And that it doesn’t depend on us?

That initially doesn’t make a lot of sense to us.