Sarah Nyhan

A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

By this time I was completely committed. I was in rotation for doing childcare at the church on Mondays, Saturdays, and Sundays. I was part of the cleaning team on some Saturdays and Sundays. Tried to participate with the setup crews after almost every service I attended. “Ushered” a couple times a week. Sorted and prepared donations for an annual event. Helped out and “served” in many other one-off roles. All while going to church more days of the week than not.

Part of it was that I was so grateful to have found this church “family”. It was the biggest sense of community that I’d probably ever encountered. Certainly in a many years. But there was also an element of me being afraid to say no. I was trying really hard to “lay down my life” and not be “worldly”. Not be in “my flesh”. I wanted God to bless me and ironically I didn’t want any selfishness to get in the way of that. This meant I would pretty much say yes to anything and everything. In hindsight, progressively replacing my feelings with rhetoric.

Every year Paula picked a group of women to speak on Monday nights during the summer. She picked me to speak in July 2013. I said yes even though I was painfully shy.

Which was why I was a bit perplexed when Ron referred to me twice as a pitbull when he promoted my upcoming talk on his radio program and during a church meeting prior to that Monday night. What an interesting choice of words. I wondered if it was a backhanded compliment because I couldn’t think of any other women who were referred to with similar connotations. But unbeknownst to him, pitbulls were my favorite breed of dog, so I embraced the reference as hopefully proof that my dedication to Jesus was accurately being seen as very serious. In any event, it was crystal clear that as much as I aimed for attaining the character of a Proverbs 31 woman, I was obviously not being routinely mistaken for submissive housewife material. Or marriage.

So leading up to my talk, I decided that I would go the intellectual route in order to piously take the spotlight off myself and “give the glory to God”. I prepared a very verse-heavy study to deliver. Worthy of the approval of the best Bible-thumpers. Certainly not entertaining, but I didn’t care; the goal was to save souls. Right?

But two hours before the talk, I got hit by a barrage of repeated thoughts that I attributed to Spirit encouraging me to scrap my whole prepared study and instead tell some of my personal story. I argued with God those full two hours. I didn’t want the focus on me.

I also didn’t want to get that personal with people. If they knew me then they could hurt me. It seemed much safer and thus smarter to squawk down at people from my fully built up and barricaded tower of self-sufficiency masquerading as a well-meaning but still pretentious performance of piety. You fear your failures will distract away from the message. Not realizing that by attempting to hide your humanness, you are missing out on the opportunity to extend hope far beyond a vocal minority of religious zealots. We mistakenly think it is the success story that people are looking for. Completely skipping over all that is much more relatable in between.

Jesus’ words brought to mind finally convinced me, “Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you.” So I went to the church completely unprepared. With my original study in hand, but resigned to try to open up publicly for the first time. Zero confidence and full of fear.

I was actually hiding out in the cleaning/storage room when I heard Paula looking for me. The conversation went not exactly but also basically something like this:

“Sarah, are you in there?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Do you feel like you want to throw up?”

Me holding back tears, “Yes ma’am.”

“It’s okay; that’s normal. Come on out here; Jesus has you.”

And so I didn’t run out of the building. I begged God to help me and I pulled myself together enough to make it up to the podium. Welcomed by a suprising chorus of several “Go, Sarah!” cheers and whoops most likely spurred on by the lively Rocio. 🙂

I tried to not look anyone in the eyes as I talked. It wasn’t until towards the end that I glanced at Paula and noticed she had even stopped taking notes. That hit me more than anything.

Because I wanted to connect with people. I wanted them to really get it. This true Hope that had kept me alive for all these years. That there was something actually real out there, out here. Someone. That they could depend on. That wouldn’t let them down like we are all so used to. Mostly unaware that we are so accustomed to accepting just enough to get by.

One of the biggest compliments someone has still ever given me is when Veronica commented on some personal experience I shared by saying that she wanted a relationship with God like she saw me communicating. That’s exactly why I share. So you will see me, just as I am, and hopefully know that the same is possible for you. I want you to be jealous not of me, but for yourself. And for those you love. I glory in my weaknesses, as much as I despise the shame, specifically to that effect: so you will know there is loads of Life, Love, and Hope continually yours for the taking. A never-ending extended invitation.

The last few minutes of the talk were in my opinion the best and most inspired. But my mind was so focused on encouraging others that I didn’t realize how much God was actually in the process of healing me. Because I was doing the things, right? I thought I had already arrived. I had no idea how much of a new journey in retrospect was only just beginning. I was ready to coast but God was gearing up.

Tish Rodriguez and I had started talking over many weeks about sheep. How Jesus relates to us. And she said something that has stuck with me all this time later. She talked about how when you are a baby Christian, God shines a big light in front of you so you can see where you are going. But as time goes by, that light in front of you shines to a smaller and smaller area. Eventually to where you might only be able to see the next step. It doesn’t feel good. You feel like God is abandoning you, but that’s not what is happening.

I knew she was right at the time, but I wasn’t happy about it. That was not a welcome realization for someone who tries valiantly to order life to be as predictable as possible. I thrive on patterns and formulas. I prefer control and resist ambiguity. I just didn’t understand how much that was impacting me. Spiritually, okay fine. But no, God was is not just going to leave any pieces of me behind in favor of religious and purely intellectual conformity.

I wish it wouldn’t have taken me all this long to stop fighting the process and even begin to really understand how the last few minutes of my talk all the way back then were the point of so much that has happened since:

“‘It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows for so He gives His beloved sleep’.

“It’s hard to leave a relationship when it’s the best that you’ve ever known and just trust that God’s gonna provide. Trust that He has love out there for you…

“The only thing is you have to lay down your ideas. You have to say, ‘Lord, I know that everything is for Your glory and You work everything for good. I may not understand it but I have to believe that. And I have to hold onto that.

“And I can’t grab onto those lies from the enemy that, ‘Oh, God’s not good. Look at this person, look at that person, look at this situation…’

“‘For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength”‘ …Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.’

“I think that’s the good news… He doesn’t care what your resume is. He just wants you to read His resume. He’s not looking for a few good men. He’s just looking for people who are ‘crazy’, desperate, bold enough, courageous enough to believe how good He is. We just have to rest in that.”