Sarah Nyhan

A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

I tried to go back to work. Because that would make sense, right?

I took the first job I could get, but I was really excited because I was hired on at the first Amazon facility in the area. And it was just down the road from Julie’s house.

I started thinking career-minded again. Even though it was a warehouse job and not what I had envisioned for my career, I decided to make the best of it. I was going to start humbly and then work my way up the ranks. There was even medical insurance that started on the first day. I was all gung-ho.

I had worked in a Dell warehouse in Austin when I was younger. So I wasn’t unfamiliar with working ten to twelve hours on concrete floors. But much to my surprise and great sadness, I physically couldn’t do it anymore.

The reason? Right before I moved to Julie’s, I was still living downtown and riding the bus to work. One day I was running late and thought I was going to miss the bus. I started walking really fast. And I thought Spirit was telling me that everything was going to be okay and that I didn’t have to rush. Specifically that I didn’t have to run. But I didn’t listen. Instead, I started running for the bus stop. Because that’s what made sense.

I felt the pop in my foot right when one of the bones broke. It was a small bone so it didn’t knock me off my feet. But I felt the pop and the pain. Yet I still kept running.

I made it to the bus stop with plenty of time to spare because the bus was also running late that day. Had I listened to Spirit and walked, I would have made it with time to spare. But I didn’t listen to God and now my foot was permanently broken and in pain.

I really didn’t have the luxury of thinking much of it because I didn’t have medical insurance at the time. So I never went to see a doctor about it because I could still limp along.

I didn’t really even notice how bad it was until I went to work for Amazon. The foot was okay for a little bit, but as the hours on the concrete floor wore on, the pain became unbearable. I was in tears. I went to the onsite doctor. I was advised to take the maximum dose for the over the counter pain relief medicine. But that had no effect; the pain was untouched by the pills. Like I had never taken them.

So I went to see my doctor. Actually one of the two doctors that run Malta Medical, the free medical clinic run by the church. Dr. Peter referred me out to get my foot x-rayed. Finally it was officially confirmed – my foot was broken. A fracture in one of the little bones that runs the top of the foot.

Dr. Peter told me that he could either prescribe stronger pain relievers or a medicine to block the nerve pain. But I was really scared of getting addicted to those medicines, so I decided to quit the Amazon job.

I cried when I quit the job. I felt so defeated. Why couldn’t I just get a job and work at it like a normal person? Why wasn’t anything working out for me? Was it a failure on my part? Or was God doing something?

I started looking for work again. I had an opportunity to make more money in an office setting.

But then a new opportunity came up again through the church. I think it was possibly Paula again who referred me. To a man named Jeff. He needed help with his wife who was in the last stages of a terminal illness. And he also wanted assistance with his business.

I was really conflicted about this. I preferred the office work, but I was starting to think that maybe I was wrong for thinking I needed money. Maybe that’s why everything was falling apart. Maybe I didn’t trust God enough. Maybe I wouldn’t get what I wanted unless I proved to God that I had more faith? I mean look at what had already happened.

So I turned down the job that paid enough to live on, and instead I started taking care of Jeff’s wife and trying to help with paperwork for his business.

Well, let’s just say that we were not on the same page in some major ways. I was trying to give them a break because they were navigating a terminal illness, but everything built up and culminated in me eventually quitting one day.

Jeff’s wife died I believe less than two weeks later. I didn’t blame myself. I was actually glad I stepped out of the way. That he was able to fully spend those last two weeks with his wife on a level he probably would not have if I had stayed on. I was thankful they got that time together without me in the picture.

I regretted turning down the well-paying job. I tried to go back and get it. But to no avail.

I blamed myself. I told myself that if I wasn’t so faithless and self-centered then things would have worked out with Jeff and all the previous jobs. If I could just “deny myself”, “pick up my cross”, and better “represent Christ”. I vowed again to work to measure up.

And started looking for work again.