A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.
I don’t remember the first time I saw you. There were so many people at that church. You didn’t catch my eye, but you stood out because you were doing chiropractic adjustments on people after church as they laid across the seats in the main meeting room.
I thought it was really commendable that you were making yourself available to help people. But it was just that: a fleeting, passing thought.
I just remember thinking that I could never lay across some chairs in the middle of everyone and have people see someone adjusting my body. I had too much shame for that. I didn’t want to be seen in that position. Too vulnerable.
Not that the opportunity ever presented itself. You were just one of hundreds of people in that church. I didn’t know your name, we didn’t ever talk, and I went on about my life. You never crossed my mind unless you happened to be in my view as I was helping clean and setup the building after services.
The first real time you came across my radar was when Bethany, Stephanie, and possibly even Melody invited me to hear you give a talk on health. That’s when I learned your name.
But I was so confused because they seemed so insistent on me going. And the invitation was completely out of the blue. I don’t think I had ever hung out with any of them before. And then all of a sudden they are all inviting me to the same event.
That’s the only reason I went. Just like being pulled up to sit next to Paula, none of it made any sense. That’s the only reason I said yes.
I didn’t really have any desire to go otherwise. Everyone thus far associated with it seemed really into fitness. For example, I think Stephanie was running up until her last week of pregnancy. And I on the other hand was two hundred pounds overweight and could barely walk.
But I kept an open mind.
So the day of your talk arrives. I had plenty of other things to do, but I kept my word and didn’t cancel just because I wondered what God could be up to.
At that time I didn’t even have a car. I lived close to my workplace downtown, so I rode the bus during the week and rented a car on the weekends.
But Bethany even offered to drive clear across down to pick me up and then take me halfway across town where you were speaking.
So generous that it didn’t make sense to me. This was not human nature as I routinely experienced it. But I just decided that it was the love of God in them all; caring about me and my health. Wanting good for me.
So in my mind, your talk was going to be attended by a lot of people because there was a lot of people at the church and you seemed to be adjusting a fair number of them. But when we arrived, there were probably only six to eight of us total.
I mention that only because I started to think, “What is going on, God? Why am I here?”
Remember me? The girl who didn’t even initially want to go to this church because I didn’t want anyone to see and talk to me. “So why do You have me, clearly way out of shape, in this intimate setting where the focus is our bodies?!”
Then you started talking about health. Talking, talking, talking, and talking. Clearly very excited to be sharing a lot of information. Very much in your element.
I was following you for the first few minutes, but then I started to get discouraged because I quickly realized that I was on step one and everyone else was way ahead of me in terms of fitness. You were talking about maximizing their nutrition and physical health so they could be more athletic. And I was basically just trying not to die.
It got to the point where I zoned out and started thinking about other things in between looking at the clock every minute or so. I just wanted it to be over because every sentence felt like yet another reminder of how fat I was. I wanted to be far away at my place. Or anywhere else but there.
The only time I was snapped out of my foul mood was when your friend Taqui came in and interrupted your talk to meet you for lunch. You introduced him and I was curious to learn more, but he didn’t appear to be interested in knowing any of us and within minutes was gone off to the side or out of the door. Nothing more to think on that. So I went back to zoning out while you continued on.
When you finally finished giving your talk, I felt relieved and was more than ready to go. But then you offered to adjust everyone. Uh oh! My nightmare: being exposed in front of everyone.
I was hoping Bethany might want to go. I told her we didn’t have to stay on account of me. But she clearly was not ready to leave.
So I tried to stay in the background. Me, the fattest person in the room. I tried to stand behind everyone, somehow make myself small, and look aloof in order to appear disinterested. Maybe you wouldn’t notice me. Hopefully you would skip over me. I’d be happy with that.
You adjusted almost everyone else first. Bethany and I were the only ones remaining. And you approached me first. Directly. But not with any emotion. Very clinical. And you asked me what was wrong.
I was thinking, “What ISN’T wrong?” But I just randomly chose to tell you about my ankle or my foot because I was hoping that would be the easiest body part to adjust. And not leave me so vulnerable in front of everyone.
You looked at my foot for a few seconds. Then you told me to follow you back to a treatment room.
You hadn’t asked anyone else to go back to a treatment room. Why me? I was both grateful to not have everyone’s eyes on me. But also scared because I didn’t know you and I didn’t know what to expect. Was I that messed up? If I had to hear bad news, at least it wouldn’t be in front of everyone.
You had me sit on a treatment table as you looked at my foot. And then you told me that I needed a lot more treatment. You said that you wouldn’t be able to adjust me quickly and send me on my way. You indicated that I needed a lot more work. And I said to follow up with you in order to schedule some appointments.
That was the first time we met and spoke.
Many, many moons later, after talking more, you would tell me that I appeared like an abused dog that first time you met me.
Nobody ever told me that before. In all my years. Was it that obvious? Probably.
But also it made me realize how in tune you were. You said you noticed that I didn’t want to be seen or talked to or touched.
You approached me so intelligently. And with respect. You were more patient with me than many. Thank you.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Back to the story…
The next day after your talk and subsequently our first meeting was Sunday. Surprisingly I was invited to hang out again with “the fitness group”, as I referred to them. Even more people this time. At a party at Seth and Angela’s apartment.
I still didn’t understand; they had never asked me to hang out before. Why now? Nice enough people, but I certainly didn’t fit in with them. Was God doing something? It seemed so odd. That’s the only reason I said yes. I didn’t want to miss out if God had something for me.
But after I arrived, I felt so awkward. Because I’m the one to talk with after a traumatic crisis, but not really someone who is great for a party. I am way too serious.
So I found a corner to sit in. Close to the action, but not in it. Making awkward random small talk with people in passing. Two minutes in and I already wanted to jump out of my skin. But I was forcing myself to stay and try.
You arrived shortly after I did. Bringing a vegetable tray. Of course the doctor brings the vegetable tray.
I didn’t expect to see you there. I stood out because of my weight, but you stood out because of your age. At least probably a decade older than anyone there. Maybe more. Not a problem at all. Just an observation. But it made sense that they’d invite you since you were the resident go-to on improving physical health and performance.
We were in front of each other when you set down your vegetable tray. But you didn’t acknowledge me even though you had just spoken with me less than 24 hours ago.
This confused me, but I took it to mean that the courtesy you showed me previously was strictly professional. Which was fine. I could understand that.
It was clear you were interested in being more personal and friendly with others. Par for the course in my life. I didn’t really think twice about it. Just picked at a few more veggies and then dipped out as soon as I could without being overtly rude. And went back to living my life.
I was so broke. I didn’t have a car. How was I going to pay for chiropractic sessions with you when I didn’t even have any medical insurance?
And I didn’t have a car during the week. How would I get to the clinic you worked out of? It would have probably taken over two hours one way on the bus.
Plus your treatment of me at the party. Confusing.
So I avoided you at church. I didn’t want you to take it personally that I hadn’t called to schedule an didn’t want you to think that I didn’t value your professional opinion.
And I thought that was all there would ever be to it.
But one day there were a ton of people in the hallway at church in between services and out of everyone there, I was surprised that you approached me and asked if I was going to make an appointment with you for treatment.
I was surprised that you even remembered me. That caused me to decide to not write you off as just cold and clinical. But I still skirted the subject of scheduling treatment with you because I didn’t want to disclose how broke I was.
And I thought that would be it. That you’d have made your polite attempt to follow up and offer assistance. And that I’d do better at not being seen. And we’d move on with our lives. Like almost everyone else I ever interacted with when you look at life as a whole.
And that would have been what happened if it was up to me. Because I never thought about you except if I happened to see you at church.
But yet again our paths crossed probably a few weeks later. And again you took the initiative to approach me and ask if I was going to make an appointment for treatment with you.
I was so surprised that you followed up again. That you even remembered me. And you didn’t come off as if you were trying to sell me on anything.
So now my attention was piqued and I began to see you as more than a caricature of the typical person who will initially be polite to me but then dismiss me as soon as possible.
I now felt ashamed and rude for not following up with you. I really respected you reaching out now two times, so I wanted to offer some real human courtesy in exchange by telling you the real truth instead of some other excuse: I didn’t have the funds to afford treatment with you.
Now this is all in spite of the fact that you never spoke about or ever mentioned or asked for any money for the treatment. But I didn’t want to assume you were offering it for free. I wasn’t raised that way.
Your response? You just casually replied, “Don’t worry about it.”
Which initially sounded great. To a person who isn’t at the top of the conscienciousness and analytical charts. But it was way too ambiguous of a response for me.
What did you mean?
That I could come for treatment and then pay you later when I had money? If so, I didn’t know when or if I would ever be able to pay you back. I didn’t want to book and not be able to pay you within a decent amount of time.
Or did you mean I could come for treatment and not worry about ever paying you? I could never assume that. Maybe others would, but I couldn’t. Remember the verse about not sitting at the head of the table? This was the same issue.
I wouldn’t dare schedule with you without you specifically saying what you meant. And I couldn’t ask you to clarify. That would have put you in an awkward position. I wasn’t raised like that.
So again, even though you told me to not worry about not having the money, I didn’t schedule with you. And life went on. All of us focused on living our individual lives.
But over the course of the following months, two people brought up your name in conversation with me. Both times the details led me to believe that you were “spoken for”. In the sense that either you were interested in someone or others were interested in setting you up with someone else.
Either way I didn’t even understand why they were telling me. It didn’t make any sense because none of it was anywhere close to my business. So I only filed the information in the back of my mind and went on with my life.
All to say, yet another reason why you were never on my radar. I had no interest in getting in the middle of anything going on between others.
More importantly, I was a metaphorical baby in my renewed relationship with God. And I felt like Trinity was showing off for me over and over again. Whatever was happening, it was a lot of fun.
Sarah Nyhan 
Leave a comment