A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.
The next time I came to church, Jocelyn saw me sitting in the back and she pulled me up front to sit right next to Paula, the Pastor’s wife, on the front row.
It didn’t make sense. There are plenty of single women there. Why me?
People don’t generally like me. I’m not easy. I don’t go along to get along. So this couldn’t be about me. Was God doing something?
Then the next week came around. Of course I wanted to sit up front next to Paula again. I really respected her and wanted to know her more. But I didn’t dare take it upon myself to assume that place. It was only my third week there.
And I wasn’t raised that way. At all. Too many examples I could provide in that regard. Suffice to say the underlying principle I operated on is a parable Jesus told as recorded in Luke 14:
“So He told a parable to those who were invited, when He noted how they chose the best places, saying to them: ‘When you are invited by anyone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in the best place, lest one more honorable than you be invited by him; and he who invited you and him come and say to you, “Give place to this man,” and then you begin with shame to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit down in the lowest place, so that when he who invited you comes he may say to you, “Friend, go up higher.” Then you will have glory in the presence of those who sit at the table with you. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.’”
So I sat all the way in the back of the church again. This time on the other side of the room. Jocelyn still found me. She asked me what I was doing sitting in the back again. I said I was shy. Which was also true, but not the complete answer. She responded by saying, “Shy people sit up front”. And then she took me by the arm and led me up front to sit next to Paula again.
The following week, the fourth week, came around. I still didn’t want to assume I had a place next to Paula. And this time Jocelyn didn’t pull me up front. I admit I was bummed out. But it wasn’t a position I was entitled to, so I resigned myself to sitting in the back of the church like I had originally intended to do. Because all good things come to an end, right? All the connections I thought were from God must have just been flukes, right? Don’t get attached, Sarah.
The announcements started. Everyone was sitting down. But Paula was several rows up and still going around saying hi to people. All of a sudden she saw me in the back, came over to me, lifted my up by the arm, and walked me right down the middle of the aisle, in front of everyone, all the way to the front, and sat me down next to her. I was so overwhelmed because I really am shy. So I don’t remember exactly, but knowing her, she probably then also gave me a kiss on the cheek.
What an honor. Things like that didn’t happen to me. God would help me feel seen and heard. But not ever publicly before like that.
So it had to be God. Because I wasn’t anything. Who was I to all these people? They didn’t know me at all. And I don’t generally fit in with people. People aren’t generally attracted to me in any capacity.
I didn’t understand what was happening or why, but I went with it. I figured God was doing something.
I also didn’t want any attention on me like that ever again. Especially in “the Lord’s house”. So starting the next week, I sat myself up front next to Paula every time I went to service.
About three months passed. And I took a big leap and attended the offsite Women’s Retreat that March. Attending church two hours a week was one thing. But spending 48 hours with over 100 women was way out of my comfort zone. But I decided to embrace the experience.
So when we were in a breakout group, I decided to open up a bit.
Maria was leading the group. Alex was there. Several others. And we were going around the room and sharing one by one.
I don’t even remember what the topic was, but when it was my turn, I started telling this group of, until then, strangers, that I thought God might be speaking to my heart about how I would find my future husband at this church most of us attended: Calvary Chapel San Antonio.
Now, that might not sound like a big deal to you. But this was huge for me! I had only dated women as an adult. The last time I had ever dated or been in a relationship with a male was when I was in high school. Because in general I wasn’t attracted to almost all men. In the rare event one caught my eye, the attraction usually instantly dissipated once they opened their mouth. And I never thought I could trust a man enough to marry one. In my mind, men were rapists, pedophiles, cheaters, and liars. Dirty, nasty, sneaky, backstabbing betrayers. Users.
So yeah, it was a huge deal for me to talk about even considering that God might be speaking to me about getting married to a man one day.
I remember Maria telling me that she believed me when I told her that I thought I would meet my husband at Calvary Chapel San Antonio. That surprised me. If I had told my non-church going friends, I don’t think they would have been so affirming. Probably for good reason.
But something about speaking all the words to life helped me give myself permission to start basically looking at every man in church and wondering whether he was the one God was bringing as my future husband.
Some time went by. And I was invited to but did not attend an outreach event that was being led by a visiting preacher.
After the event, one of the attendees came back and told me about it. She mentioned that the visiting preacher was single.
Somehow I got it into my head that the visiting preacher must be my future husband. Even though I never met him, didn’t know what he looked like, and didn’t even know his name.
I convinced myself that he would come back, see me, and know I was to be his future wife. I told myself all of this would happen on December 19th, 2014.
Around the same time, I used to feel compelled to be one of the last people standing up when everyone sat down for the pastor’s time to speak at church. Up front. In front of everyone.
The reason? I told myself that I was looking to see if my future husband was there looking for me. If I didn’t see him looking for me, I used to think maybe he was even watching the live streamed service and looking at me every time.
That sounds really crazy. But I wonder if God gave me that thought and let me run with it, even though it appeared to be false, just so someone else would notice me when I was standing up? Someone else right there in front of me the whole time?
Sarah Nyhan 
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