I have been trying to finish writing a particular book since December 2017. It is WAY more personal than I usually share. Which is why it is taking so long. Read: a huge amount of risk and vulnerability.
But I feel like nothing in my life will move forward until I get it out. And I feel like nothing else really matters to me until I tell this story. Until I birth whatever healing it is that needs to come out of the sharing of the experiences in my story.
So I’m just going to start sharing the chapters as I try to finish writing them. Maybe that will help me organize the book and see it through.
So here are the first few words and then I’ll try to share more each day:
I am so tired.
I miss you.
I really need you.
Is there something more?
Is there really hope?
“Is anything too difficult for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
Genesis 18:14
“For with God nothing will be impossible.”
Luke 1:37
God can do anything. Anything, anything. Just because we can’t see how it would work out, that doesn’t mean it is impossible. Think of all that has already happened.
I decided to try to go to church. First I tried all of the big churches in town because I didn’t want to be known. I wanted to be able to sit in the back, disappear in the crowd, and get out without anyone talking to me. But I wasn’t able to click with any of them.
So I tried the smaller churches. Still, none of them clicked.
But I was listening to the Christian radio station every morning while I was getting ready for work. And there was a pastor of a small church who was on the radio every morning at that time. And at the end of his program, there was a woman named May who would always say, “Do not forsake the gathering of the saints”.
This pastor’s delivery wasn’t the type that I used to or looking for. And the church was on the complete opposite side of town from where I lived. So it didn’t make sense.
But I kept getting the idea that maybe I should go check out this church. So I eventually drove up one time.
But the church was located in a corner of a little strip mall. And I knew there would be no way I could go in without anyone noticing me. Someone would try to talk to me. So I drove away.
Fast forward probably a year later. I was a Yellow Cab taxi driver at the time. And I picked up a man named Terry from Israel’s car repair shop. (The same repair shop I would later find out you took your vehicles to.) His car had to be towed back to Israel’s after Israel had already supposedly fixed it.
Terry seemed a bit distraught. I was worried by things that he was saying that he was very despondent. I didn’t know what to do, but he had a lot of stuff from his car that he was making multiple trips to carry into his apartment. So while he was carrying one load into his apartment, I slipped a gospel CD into one of his bags.
That CD or something else must have had my contact information on it, because Terry called me a few months later. He invited me to his church. The same church with the pastor that I had been listening to on the radio every morning.
And the thoughts repeatedly kept coming to me to try the church again. So I finally gave in just to get them to go away. Just to take the “what if” off the table.
I arrived to the church after the service had already started. I walked in the door and sat at the first seat I could find in the back. I remember sarcastically telling the usher, “Do you have room for one more sinner?”
I saw a man playing electric guitar during the worship. I remember thinking how cool that was. I was a big electric guitar fan. Stevie Ray Vaughn was one of my favorites.
Then Sam gave the announcements. I remember him talking about how the church doesn’t let their needs be known or compel people to give. That there were just boxes at the back of the room for people to put money in if they wanted to. That really impressed me.
Immediately the church felt like home. And I hadn’t even officially met anyone yet. I just felt like I belonged there.
At the end of the service, I spotted Terry a few rows up. I almost turned and left, but I thought I should go say hello to him. I knew he’d be disappointed if he later knew I came and didn’t say hi to him.
They had two other earlier services. And a pretty big room for the church service. With a lot of people. So looking back, was it more than just dumb luck that I happened to pick the service Terry went to and happened to see him in the crowd?
I walked over to him and he recognized me even though he had only seen me one time months ago. We started talking.
Shortly the pastor’s wife, Paula, came up to us. She started talking to me. Then she took me to meet her husband, Ron – the pastor.
Then a woman named Jocelyn came up. She was the female worship leader. As I was getting ready to leave them all, she prayed for me. I remember thinking, “Wow! All my years in church and no one has ever prayed for me like that. I didn’t even know you could pray like that!” I was blown away. And my heart even more interested in checking this place out further.
It would be some months at least later that I would find out that Jocelyn had been a popular singer back in the day. She sang a song called “A Little Bit of Ecstasy”. And another one called “Do You Miss Me”. It blew my mind to think that I had listened to those songs on repeat when I was a teenager. It seemed like such a cool connection that God did just for me – to lead me to the church where the artist of two of my favorite songs had also ended up.
Paula invited me that first day to go to their annual Christmas dinner that night. I laughed and asked her, “Do I have a choice?” And she said, “No.”
I remember leaving the service that day and walking out to my car while thinking, “What have I gotten myself into?” They seemed nice. I wanted to see where this could go.
But the Christmas dinner was a few hours away. And as each hour went by, my fear crept back in. Surely they were just being nice. It probably meant nothing. The connection was probably just imagined on my end. Right?
So I ended up arriving late to the Christmas dinner. I snuck in the door and sat at one of the tables closest to the exit. On the outside edge of everyone.
Somehow Paula still spotted me out of hundreds of people as she was going around the building. She came over to me, welcomed me, and took me over to meet Darlene. She told Darlene to introduce me to Julie.
Julie was sitting at a table with a bunch of other women. Probably Tusi. Maybe Gloria? Pam? Bethany? Eva? The conversation went well. I enjoyed talking with everyone.
But I was SO overwhelmed by everything that had happened so far that day. So I excused myself to leave the Christmas dinner.
On my way out, I spotted a coworker – Robert. It seemed like another connection from God. That this man I respected from work, maybe one of the ones I respected most in my training class, was also attending this church. It helped lower my guard and think maybe God was really doing something here.
So I walked out of the Christmas dinner venue. Towards my car. And I remember smiling and laughing to myself. Thinking again, “What on earth have I gotten myself into?”
None of it made sense. I never experienced any connections like that before. It seemed like God was giving me green light after green light. So I decided I would go back and see what God had for me there.
That first day was December 19th.
Sarah Nyhan 
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