Sarah Nyhan

Have I mentioned before how much my ENTIRE world has changed since my theology changed a few years ago? Even the things I saw as benign and took for granted. Like saying, ‘Thank God.”

People say, “Thank God” for so many different things. If they find a parking space, if they get a cure for cancer. If the storm doesn’t tear down their place while their neighbor’s place is demolished.

It’s so weird to me now. I’ll give you the instructions for the fast track to get where I am these days: try judging God. Try determining what is from God and what is not from God. Try deciding what is “good” and what is “bad”.

No platitudes. Go deep. Face your friend’s child dying while someone else that causes so many people pain is allowed to keep walking around. Then tell me, “Thank God.”

And yet I have experienced things that were so incredibly coincidental that I can’t in all honesty say God doesn’t sometimes change situations.

But “Thank God” led me to decades where I was waiting on God to act, to move mountains in my life, and they never moved. And yet I’d see other people who I was pretty sure weren’t thanking God at all, much less believing in Trinity, who were seemingly easily coming by all the things and experiences I wanted in life.

Why? Well, it appeared that they just went after them. As simple as that. They put in the work. Literally.

And yet there are times where I have done all the “right” things and my plans didn’t work out like their plans. Thank God?

I have to trust. But I am no longer paralyzed. I no longer have to judge and ascribe meaning to anything. I do my best but will never know perfectly while I am here because I don’t have access to all the information. And I never will. So, I’m not going to get lost down that trail for anymore decades.

Now, I don’t ask myself what I “should” do. But rather, what I WANT to do. This is so revolutionary for me. You have no idea.

I am still in the early stages where it is not automatic. I still have to walk myself through a gauntlet of mental ghosts still hanging around from the formative decades of my life.

I’ve noticed that I get triggered most and fall back into old patterns when I’ve had an especially hard day where I thought I did everything I was supposed to do. And then something really unfair happens. Seemingly unfair I should say. And then indignation and feeling out of control will spiral me back into “signs”.

That happened yesterday. I spent almost a full day in my head. Feeling defeated. Second-guessing everything. Wanting to regain control by doing something, anything.

Finally, somehow the new me came back online around noon the next day. I just had enough. Of the going back and forth. Of trying to figure out something that is impossible to figure out.

And I finally decided just to see the situation for what it was. And then figure out what I could change about it. And then get busy doing that. Versus waiting on some deliverance to magically transport me to a better life – cause that thinking hasn’t worked for the most part.

And so I did a bunch if things in an effort to change my circumstances. Mostly planting seeds that will unfortunately take some time to grow. But action nonetheless.

And then I was thinking about how much I’ve gone through especially these past five years. But also my life. So many regrets now that I feel more empowered. But it is what it is.

And yet if I can manage to do my part in pulling myself up out of this mess, the MOST insulting thing anyone could say in response to my future success is, “Thank God”. Because, yeah of course. Like we can’t live without being sustained every second. But also, that is a major slap in the face. To all the blood, sweat, tears, and nonstop fucking work it takes me day in and day out to get back up and keep fighting forward.

I still worry that I’m going to get this wrong. I mean I’m named after a lady who stopped believing in the hope and dreams she thought God gave her. I still think about that every day. And I pray for real confirmation about what that story really means in light of all that has already changed for me. Maybe the common interpretation isn’t gospel truth.

But either way, I know I’ll be okay. Either way I know I am Loved. Either way I’m not going to just sit back in fear anymore. I am going to do my best and trust Trinity’s healing heart for the rest.