Sarah Nyhan

You spend a lot of time trying to make sure they feel okay, when they don’t ever seem to even give a thought of how you’re feeling so long as you keep playing your part. You’re so worried about them and they are not even half as concerned about you. You stay up day and night trying to make them comfortable when they are so quick to dismiss you specifically in favor of others who even offend and insult them. What is this?!

There is some tape running deep down inside of you that has very little to do with them personally. This is a crisis for healing. Intellectually you can understand this, but your heart. What is the cry of the kid you were in you? To be seen? To be heard? To be cherished? To be even enjoyed? Way beyond the sense of duty that at least fed and clothed you. You wanted to not only feel loved, but actually be loved. Wanted. Desired. Celebrated, not just tolerated.

It was never on you. Years of managing their emotions. Or probably incorrectly thinking you could do so. Years of putting on a show for the hope of their true approval and sincere embrace. Of wanting them to want you as much as you wanted them. It’s certainly understandable. Because you care, you have heart, and you’re smart. Hear this: you’ve tried way more than what would have been considered reasonable.

This is the lesson: they shut down long ago. And it was never about you. This is their problem. And I’m very sorry for you that this was the hand you were dealt. But it always was what it was and is what it is.

Have you asked yourself? How would you see this if you were on the outside looking in? If it was someone else in your shoes? Would you tell them they’ve done enough? More than enough? Would you have compassion on them? Would you understand?

It hurts. A lot.

To see things as they truly are. And have been for a very long time.

It really hurts. To the core of who you are. An echoing ache that takes your breath away. That shatters as its reverberations slam their way through you. Your heart. Your mind. Your spirit. Your soul. The deafening coldness of their inactions. Their omissions sometimes more than their commissions. The darkness of the absences they left you hanging in. Alone and lonely.

But with so much life still in you. All that you were had to lie dormant in order to survive. Buried but still very much alive. If anything, that is what keeps you sick: ALL of who you are still unexpressed. You got older but you still have a lot of growing up left to be able to do. To enjoy. If you give yourself permission to grieve. And then start again to be. To know you were never too much. In fact you were taught to not even ask for enough.

Please don’t run away like so many times before. This time will be different. The only requirement is for you to rest.