Sarah Nyhan

Round and round this desert, these deserts, until you’ve had enough. Until you agree with God about love and that you deserve so much… more.

Round and round this desert, these deserts, for you. So that you’ll fight for your worth. So you’ll want more.

Round and round this desert, these deserts, until you don’t need them anymore. To wake you up. To awaken the hunger inside of you. To keep you alive. To not let you go out like this.

You insist on a hell. When The Promised Land is just on the other side. You say, “No, I’ll camp out here. It’s the best I’ve ever known. I’ll choose the hell I know over the fear of the unknown.” And why wouldn’t you, given your experience?

But this whole earth, this whole universe is setup for your healing. It will keep on. There will never be a break. Until you reach for more. Specifically, for better.

Until you value and love yourself like God loves you.

Forget everyone else. This is about you.

This charade, this parade. You know it more than anyone.

The lies you have tried to deny. You know them more than anyone.

Thrown in your face.

You meant well. You took it. But what if all this time God has actually been working to help you to do different? To sing a new and better song?

Does that scare you? Leave you vulnerable?

Have you ever asked? Dared to get angry? Scream and cry out of frustration?

How long ago did you shut down your heart and start living in your mind?

You were jealous of me. I’m sorry, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see exactly what was going on. Bits, but not the whole picture.

I’m sorry I discounted your feelings when you tried to communicate them. I didn’t realize all that was going on.

You are not a slave. But yes, I would have ALWAYS agreed that YOU are allowing yourself to be treated like one. But I don’t look down on you for that. How would you have known much different? You were so young and this has been going on for so long. Forgive yourself.

Dare to ask for more.

You will not die. Reaching out for more will not kill you.

Oh, there will be a death. But only what needed to die. What could have been taken off life support and buried long ago. When you didn’t know any better.

Forgive yourself.

Anything good will survive.

Your God hasn’t given you relief in this prison because the doors are wide open. You were never meant to be comfortable here. There is still so much more life left to live. If you’ll risk it. If you’ll believe in a better God.

If you’ll truly trust yourself and those you love, or those you’ve been attached to – if you’ll truly put them in your Creator’s hands.

It either is or isn’t dependent on you. Which do you choose?

I miss you. And you are loved.

Almost everyone tries to tell you that all the time. Over and over. Why do you push them all away for those that don’t? The rare few that insist you’re not good enough.

It doesn’t matter. You have to believe it for yourself. That’s the whole point.

Be mad at God. Start there. See what happens.