Sarah Nyhan

One of my closest and best friends of my life passed away.

We used to hang out over twelve hours a day. Up to multiple times a week. Taking long drives. Talking about everything. Sometimes up until three in the morning talking on the phone.

It was the best of times even when there were worst of times between us. To the point of us eventually parting ways. I was so sad about that. I tried over and over to fix it.

Last year we met in person for the first time in years. I never imagined it would be the last time.

It was good to see him again and be able to hear him talk. He told me all about his new life. Just like when we would take our drives, the first couple of hours were for him to share. And I loved that. I loved being there to hear.

I knew there was something very different about him in the best of ways. Special only in that sense.

What drove us apart was what was also some of his best qualities. It didn’t matter what anyone thought – he was a fighter who would stand for the truth, as much as he knew it, until the very end. Without apology or wavering. When he was sure, he ran with it and there was no stopping him. One of the most passionate and bold people I’ve known in that way.

I commonly think of people as what kind of dog they would be. No doubt in my mind he was that little scrappy dog guarding the whole house all the time. Up in a split second at the first hint of danger. Ready to go to war with the biggest – no matter how imposing the Goliath. He knew Love enough to stand up and not back down from any fight. I so respected him for that (and more) – even when we disagreed.

I will so miss our talks. I never stopped hoping we’d have more on this side. Every time the phone rang or I was sent a text, I’d hope it was him TELLING me he was coming to take me on one of those great drives. Now I don’t have that hope anymore. I am very sad about that. Some of the best times in my life.

But I am thankful we met one last time this year. That we volleyed back and forth verbally like before. It didn’t start out the same, but by the end I was starting to see MY Jonathan again. His smiles after he tossed me some verbal jab laced with just enough audacity to make me laugh in the middle of the most serious talks. Wicked good humor – and he meant whatever he said. I will keep missing that so much.

He took a break from telling me what he wanted to share about his new life to put on his Doctor hat to find out where I needed fixing. It was quickly clear that there was a bigger reason for our meeting – although I don’t think either of us could figure it out at the time.

It felt so unfinished. I walked away sad. Hopeful and thankful for him and his time, but sad. I wanted my best friend back. I wanted him to be at peace, free, and happy. I wanted that so badly for him. On this side – as much as I’m confident he’s fully there now. Wherever he is. Without us that remain thinking we are here.

I wanted to be a part of him being at peace, free, and happy. Looking back, I guess I was – even not as I expected all this time.

I wanted so much more for him. For our friendship. This is not how I expected things to end. I thought we had more time.

Numb.

Why? Why, why, WHY, WHY?!?!

Ugh. Sigh.

Silence.

I wanted so much to share the good – the better – news with him. “Don’t worry. He knows now. More than you. He’s also so excited for you to get there. You are stuck in time. You’ll get to see. It will still thrill your heart with joy. He’s so excited to show you.”

I wanted us to go on more drives. I wanted to show him Seattle and the Northwest coast. I hated the fog and rain, but he told me he loved it; it was his favorite. “Don’t worry. There will be plenty of time for more exploring. Fantastic places.”

This man, my Jonathan, was there for me in the beginning. He really was the main one to keep me afloat as far as he could go. I will forever be thankful for that!! I’m so glad I got that last hug. That there were finally smiles again when we last met.

That man loved more than most. That man fought for what was right more than most. There was a fire in his heart and he went full force. Embraced all and everything he knew.

And this was never about getting anything right. This was always about love – and Jonathan received and gave so much love.

“It was good that Jonathan introduced others to Love as he knew Love. They needed that Love to believe in. At the time. Those efforts were not in vain.”

I hear him telling me not to have ANY fear! That he wishes he could be here for me, and so many others. To tell us what he now knows. That it is all so much better than he tried to tell us, than he ever knew before.

That there really is nothing to be afraid of at all! That I’ll only regret the things I didn’t do – that’s what I hear from him loud and clear. To just go for it! To embrace it ALL and FULLY enJoy it. That the time will pass so quickly.

That he isn’t sad at all where he is at. That he is really excited for us to be there with him on the other side when those times come. That he is looking forward to seeing me, us again. That he now understands.

So much more I could say, but that’s all for now.

My friend. I will keep missing you here so much. All the talks. All the drives. All the laughs. All the good times. You were such a blessing to me. I am so grateful I knew you. I was so spoiled to get so much of you when I did. People like you don’t come around like that. Rich to experience that once in my lifetime. I can’t wait to see you again.

💙 – Sarah Louise

P.S. Now I can share pictures. Memories from some of my favorite times with you.