Sarah Nyhan

Hi friend, I am really not happy about you shutting me out. In my mind, that means not making time to talk and at least get back on some level of friendly communication. I see it as the ball has been in your court and you’ve been giving me the silent treatment.

With other people, whatever. But you and I don’t do this. That’s why it means more to me. Because this isn’t normal from you to me.

I don’t know what the deal is but I can’t do it like this. I’ve put up with silent treatment for so long from other people and it never ends well. They only continue to disresepct me. I see it as people treating me worse than they would treat a stranger. So I’m not putting up with it. I’m backing out until you fix it. I have to for my heart. I don’t know if you’re avoiding facing me or you’re punishing me or trying to manipulate me to change or what. But it’s so hurtful and rude to just leave me hanging.

I normally wouldn’t be so direct. But we have history and if I just sit here silently and let it fester, I’m going to get bitter towards you. And I don’t want that. So I’m sharing.

I shouldn’t explain because it’s going to come across as defending myself. And I don’t feel the need to defend myself.

I’m pretty sure you are against me right now, but maybe at some point you will read this in a different mind and at least have it to reference back to at some point.

So I will say my piece and then leave it be until you decide you want to be my friend again.

I feel like all this started back at Manna House. I know you like to keep the peace. But I really felt like you chose the preacher and the other lady over me every time you supported them in how they treated me.

I think they are extremely manipulative people. Who talk a good game but at the end of the day, they don’t want to get their hands dirty. They want other people to do the dirty work.

And they have big egos. And as such, they do not tolerate people who call them out on their mess. The other lady was so wrong in kicking me out completely homeless. Thank God you let me stay at your house. Otherwise I would have been living in my car. And neither you or the preacher held her accountable for that atrocious very non-Jesus behavior. There were no consequences for her. And so she continued to play that Ace card with me. And because I accepted it, the preacher continued to push me also.

That’s my bad. And I’ve learned. And I think God used them to help me see my worth. As twisted as it ended up being.

All to say I think they are really bad bosses for one. Their hearts were never for me except in word. And more importantly, I felt like bad things were going to happen if they kept enabling the ladies at Manna House. I was opposed to how things were being done.

But if you had no problems with it and you were happy there, then more power to you.

I think it’s crazy how much you work. But if you’re happy with it, then that’s your choice.

I think it’s crazy and cultish that you have to ask permission from the other lady to do stuff when you don’t get paid to be there and at least when I was there, the only way she was involved was coming over on Tuesdays to eat.

But you do you. I get that you want to respect authorities for God’s sake.

I get angry that when you are away from there, you are not truly away. You used to be better about it, but lately it’s like you give them a lot of time via text when you are out. I disagree with it. But I understand why you probably do it.

Is it your ministry or God’s? I feel like you should be able to take real breaks when you are away. I don’t even really care about me. I just worry when you are with your son and his family, are you truly with them or are you letting Manna House interrupt all the time? They are important also. More important, in my book.

All to say I try not to say much about Manna House because I respect you choose to still be there.

But as I left Manna House, God already put Jonathan in my life. And he was more available than you so I started spending a lot more time with him than you. It wasn’t a you versus him situation. But just because he was more available, I could say it changed from you being my closest friend to him being my closest friend. I started to make more time for him and initiate less with you. I regret that. I should have continued to nurture my friendship with you as I normally would. I think some of the bitterness I felt about you not sticking up for me contributed. With Jonathan I felt like someone 100% supported me. Lesson learned. He ended up being a different flavor of the preacher – discarding me if I called him on his mess and his poor little ego got hurt.

All to say my bad with that. I am sorry for that. Lesson learned.

All to say when the whole Sojourner/Temple/Austin people came into my life these past few months, I did not want to repeat the same thing. I was trying even to make it ok for me to go back to CCSA several times. That didn’t work out for theological reasons, but I was finally ok with seeing everyone there, including the preacher and the other lady, and just accepting that we are in different places in our walks.

I didn’t anticipate what happened theologically with me starting back before August. In hindsight, I can see how it was in progress maybe my whole life, but definitely since the time I started attending CCSA. Looking back it all makes perfect sense. But in July and August I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t anticipate it would come to this.

Early on Sojourner, since she already had been through this, encouraged me to just let Holy Spirit lead and not try to convince other people. So that was my mindset. I only offered information to explain where I was. Not to try to change anyone’s mind. In due time with Holy Spirit is only way. But I would get really happy and wish you, who I considered my best friend, could experience the goodness I was experiencing. I really hoped we could be on the same page but I had to accept that we weren’t.

It really hurt that you wouldn’t even hear me out and you shut me down. I understood but it was still hurtful. I felt like you were letting your fear take over. That your security was more in the preacher and CCSA than God. That you forgot my character towards you and our friendship. And that’s partly my bad. Because…