Sarah Nyhan

Wed 1/31/2018 10:43 PM

Ok, Dr. Mentor. The last time you took me to you out to hunt, we talked and you said you were being vulnerable with me, so I’m going to do my best to be honest here. I feel a great amount of fear in doing so.

First of all I am ashamed of dropping the ball with working with you. Initially you saw my best self but then everything fell apart. There were several reasons. Yes, I need to focus on my physical health. But I finally realized it was mental stuff that was blocking me. I told you I needed to work through that stuff. What I’m going to share is part of what I faced. There is a lot more I need to face with other areas of my life. But I just feel like out of respect for you and in order for my best self to be able to work with you again, I need to be forthcoming about what’s going on in my head. So, storytime…

When you first offered to be my mentor on my first day of college, I wasn’t sure what to make of you. I had this feeling that you were a salesman through and through. But that you had a lot of wisdom also. I remember you introducing yourself to the classes. I thought it was cool how you showed your support for the teachers. You talked them up quite a bit but I thought it was good that you were showing a united front for your team. I could see the Real Estate Law teacher still thought very highly of you. Seemed to still be under your “spell”. But it seemed like Ms. Ph.D. was unfazed. She seemed like her own woman. Like she didn’t worship you like Ms. Law did. You seemed like you could read people very well.

When you came in the study room and offered to be my mentor, I didn’t know what to make of that. Part of me wanted to believe you were serious, part of me was scared that you had ulterior motives. I didn’t take you up on it because I had reservations about you even though I wanted a mentor.

Dr. Jonathan would always tell me he wished he had a mentor. Finally one day I told him you had offered to be my mentor. He told me to take you up on it. Actually we talked over two hours about it. Finally I agreed to talk to take you up on your offer only with the understanding that if you tried anything inappropriate with me then Jonathan would have to be there for me.

So I went and reminded you about your offer to be my mentor and we started talking. At first it was just real estate but we quickly started talking about life stuff. You cut to the chase very quickly which I respected. You had a lot of good wisdom which I also respected. I also admired you for how much you accomplished in your career. I thought you were a really good teacher also.

Something happened somewhere along the way. As I look back on it now, my safety switch got triggered. I didn’t address it then so here we are now. I feel like at first you respected me but then I lost respect in your eyes, probably as I revealed more of myself, the messier parts. Versus keeping it 100% professional. I followed your lead to get more personal but maybe you didn’t really like what you saw? I felt a shift. A slight shift that got this ball rolling.

I didn’t admit it to myself then but I felt unsafe when you told a story about a guy who came hunting to your ranch and you didn’t identify him by name but you kinda wrote him up like a fool and he would know if he read it. I guess I felt like you were making the story at his expense. Exposing him in a way that would shame him. I kinda questioned you about it and I felt like I saw a big shift in your eyes to me then. Like I changed from being a person to being an object in your other world. The other world where people are like pawns to be played. Like you closed off your real self to them.

I think it was shortly after that when we were in your office one time and for some reason you brushed my arm with your hand in a way that felt like a test. I registered it but it left me so confused and sad. At the time I just acted like I ignored it. But inside I was reeling. I felt like it was done in anger from you towards me. I felt like I had lost a lot of respect in your eyes. I felt like I was losing the first you that had talked to me. I was hopeful that you’d see something different in me that would help you put me back to where you first saw me. Like I’m not trying to use you. I just want to be there for whatever you’d like to share.

I think it was after that when the semester ended. I sent you an email before the next semester but you didn’t reply. I felt like something was really wrong. It wasn’t like you not to reply. I was worried. I felt like something bad had happened to you. Sure enough we learned you had your scare that landed you in the hospital. I was so glad you were ok.

I felt like that health scare really kicked you. I don’t know if it was the pain meds or your real self with your guards down but I liked what I saw. I could see you really loved your grandma mostly and then moments where I could see the love you have for your wife and even your son. But then as the semester went on it seemed like you’d express frustration towards them in ways. I couldn’t figure out who the real Dr. Mentor was. I couldn’t figure out if it was you or the pain meds or the physical pain speaking.

I got scared when you talked about your wife and your son like you did. I got scared when you told that black student to stand on the chair with the “leave him hanging” comment. I was really scared with that. I felt like you were smart enough to know that was wrong on some level. I felt like you had some underlying resentment towards black people. Maybe from seeing people advance through affirmative action versus merit throughout your career? I just felt like there was something a little evil in the way you did that even if you were not conscious of it. Like you knew but you set it up in such a way that it could be denied as just using the guy because he was athletic. That really scared me. But then I was confused when you later apologized to him in front of the class. It felt like there had to be a lot of good in you to even address it publicly but I felt on another level like you weren’t being 100% genuine in your apology. My walls were definitely going up.

I was confused when you invited me to speak at the TRETA conference. At first I was honored but then I was confused by your reaction at the conference. It seemed like you were backing off from me. Part of me wondered if you expected me to play a certain part and then what transpired didn’t play out according to your plan. Part of me felt like maybe you didn’t want me to do as well as I did on the stage. Like it would have been better for me to appear weak? I was really confused. I was trying to give you the utmost respect and I felt like you didn’t see me. More of my walls started going up.

I think it was after that when I asked you if I could do the app for your co-op class. I was excited you said yes and super excited that you offered to work on it with me as a real business after I graduated. I was hoping you would want to. When you invited me to your house to talk about it, I…