Sarah Nyhan

Father, please help. My mind. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am here for. I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know what matters anymore. I don’t know what is real. I risked reaching out to Clarice. Now I feel stupid. I risked going online. On Facebook. Now I feel stupid. I feel like I’m a writer. I’m writing now. Like I have many things to say. Maybe things you’ve given me to say. Then I doubt myself and feel stupid. There are so many things to do. I don’t know what to choose. Does any of it matter? I feel overwhelmed. I feel despondent. I feel like I want to be a kid. Run to you. Have you make it all better. Are we deceiving ourselves? How do we know if we are just hearing what we want to hear? I think I hear you saying, “do what you want.” I don’t even know what I want. I want to make you happy. Are you already happy? I want to make you pleased. Are you already pleased with me? I don’t know what to do. Can you please be bigger than my not knowing? I want to lose weight so I feel more free to swim. So my size is a nonissue. I want to marry and have lots of passionate deep intimate sex. I want to bring pleasure to my husband. And happiness.