Sarah Nyhan

From me to Sojourner:

I have been praying for years that my brother would “get saved” and “give his life to Christ”. I finally let go and completely gave Him to God. I just pray for Him and thank God every time he calls. I never know how long I’ll have with him. I just try to love him and enjoy him while he is still here.

We talk a lot about God. Why won’t my brother surrender and turn from his sin? I forget my own sins.

He keeps in contact with our biological father who has completely turned away and denies the divinity of Jesus. I feel like my brother is the prize and my biological father and I are at war over his future. This creates no small amount of angst and frustration in me.

One day my brother calls to discuss a conversation he had with our biological father. I can tell my brother is on the edge. Our biological father has presented him with arguments about a god who is not good and therefore God cannot be real. My brother is calling for my opinion.

Now in all my years of “working for the Lord”, I can’t remember ever leading anyone to Christ. It was a great source of shame for me. I felt so selfish and bad for not being the type of person who pounced on everyone around me and offered them the opportunity to say the “sinner’s prayer”. Frankly, I didn’t even know the “sinner’s prayer”. Or “The Roman Road”. I felt like I was a bad Christian for that.

Well during this particular conversation with my brother, we are discussing how people “get saved”. I ask him, “What are you going to do when you die and are standing before The Lord? What are you going to say?”

“Uhhh, can I please get into heaven?”

“Yeah, but you have to be perfect to get into heaven. So how are you going to get in?”

“Ummmm, Jesus?”

“Yeah, but how Jesus?”

“Uhhhh, because He died on The Cross?”

“Exactly!”

“Whew! I wasn’t sure that was the right answer.”

I get excited. The first time I ever “led someone to The Lord” and it’s my brother that I worry about so much. I didn’t feel like that was the moment my brother “got saved”. I felt like he was already saved. I felt like God just used that moment to give us both more confidence. It is still just as sweet for me. I finally have peace about my brother.

My brother asks whether God sends the tribal people, who have never heard of Jesus, to hell. I feel Holy Spirit come on strong inside me. I feel a righteous anger surge through me. I tell my brother that I know my God. I tell him that God has revealed Himself to me in very personal ways. I tell him that I don’t know how God reaches the tribal people but based on the character of The God that I know, I believe He reaches out to them somehow. I tell my brother that I cannot dismiss The God I have experienced for myself just because I don’t understand how He works everything out.

My brother is not satisfied. He doesn’t understand. I tell my brother, “Ask God. He is big enough. Ask God to tell you how the people who have never heard of Jesus are saved. He will give you the answer you need.” I pray inside myself and ask God to reveal Himself to my brother.

Well, a few days later I am reminded of some videos a friend sent me years ago. The thought comes to mind that I should watch them. Several times I think to find them in my email, but I cannot remember the name of the speaker. I look to see if I bookmarked them to save for later. I did not. The thought keeps coming to mind to search my emails for the videos, but I keep putting it off for another day and another day.

Then one day I run across some short clips on YouTube from a recent interview of Paul Young conducted by Oprah. Immediately I am intrigued. I know the same friend who sent me the videos I was looking for also knows Paul Young. I think, “Wow, I know someone who knows someone who has been interviewed by Oprah. Cool!”

So, I start watching the clips of the interview. Paul mentions having an affair. I am devastated! My greatest fears. I am angry at Paul in that moment. I go on a search to learn more. I search everything I can find to hear him talk about this affair and explain himself.

I end up watching a video where he is telling his personal life story. I am blown away! He starts talking about things I’ve never heard before. I start listening to every video I can find of him speaking. I end up on “The Shack Revisited” series and watch all thirteen videos of Paul and Baxter Kruger. What I am hearing is resonating deep within me, but I am so scared. Suddenly so many questions are being answered but I have never heard this information before. It is against everything I’ve been taught my whole life!

At some point I realize Baxter is the same speaker in the videos my friend sent me years ago that were in my heart to find again. Wow, God! Wow! You are SO BIG!

I email my friend to tell her how blown my mind is over the information I am learning from watching her friends online. I wonder to myself whether I will ever have a chance to meet these friends of hers. I hear other fantastic thoughts being spoken to my spirit as possible answers unfold before me related to dreams long ago sat on the dusty back shelves of my heart and mind. I dismiss these thoughts as wishful thinking at least and things that might happen years from now at most.

Unbeknownst to me, in another state there has been planning going on for a conference for women with Baxter as the main speaker. It is a sold-out conference with a waiting list. My friend is attending the conference and invited several other women.

One woman could not attend due to a family emergency. That woman offered up her ticket and my friend had been trying to find someone she knew to take the spot. I find out later that others wanted to attend but were unable. One situation even involved airline flights that seemed to disappear from the booking system for awhile and then reappear with high prices that were a hindrance for those that wanted to attend.

My friend says I came to mind a few times but she dismissed the thought with reasonable logic. Why would she invite me especially after I never watched the videos she had tried to send me years ago and we never talked about it since? I can’t think of anything that would have given her any reason to believe I would be interested in the offer. She probably knows I’m not really the kind of person who is interested in conferences to begin with.

But GOD’s thoughts and ways are thankfully higher than the both of us! When I emailed her to tell her that I recently spent several days watching all the videos from the conference speaker, I think she considered it confirmation.

Imagine my surprise when she offered me the opportunity to go to the conference with the speaker I had been searching for and found only just days ago.

I was so thirsty for more and God turned on the fire hydrant!

I didn’t even know what the conference was about. I didn’t even know where or when it was. All my normal anxieties were eased enough with the timing in order to accept the offer to attend the conference “sight unseen”.

Now the really interesting thing is that I never would have said yes to going to the conference had she asked me several days before I watched the videos. It seems obvious she was not at fault in dismissing the thoughts to invite me. But rather her hesitance was part of God’s protection of His plan all along. When the timing was right, everything worked out.

In addition, I probably never would have even considered the information I was hearing from Paul Young and Baxter Kruger had anyone other than my friend told me about them. I have been so indoctrinated over the years that I am usually extremely cynical. Especially with men. But the old adage proves true again with my friend: I cared about what she knew because I knew she cared about me. Deposits in my trust account all these years. The entire time I am hearing this new information that is threatening everything I’ve ever known, I constantly fall back on knowing my friend and knowing she is not a dangerous person. If the person God used the most to help me see Him is embracing this information, then I can take a peek. And another peek. Scared, but I keep going and accept the offer to attend the conference.

Then the email comes in with the details about the conference. I am blown away. I already am wondering whether my brother’s prayer to understand how God saves the tribal people is being answered so quickly through me finally listening to all this information. That in itself is huge enough. But now an even deeper more personal issue is being touched upon.

The name of the conference is Living Loved. That title perfectly captures the lessons I had been thinking God was showing me over the past few months.

I had been worried I was deceiving myself. My heart had recently been shattered when a person, who I thought was my best friend, betrayed me in some extremely hurtful ways.

Ironically, and probably not by any accident, parts of that person’s story are so similar to Paul Young’s that I was taken aback. “Why are you showing me this now, Lord? After the fact?”

Me, the girl who is always encouraging people not to give up, was reeling from this betrayal. The friendship epitomized the view of relationships with others and God that I’ve held to for most of my life. I could never please this person. Every time I thought I passed a test, there would be another hurdle to jump. In my heart I blamed the betrayal on myself. If only I had done “fill in the blank” then I would have been enough. This person’s rejection felt like confirmation of my worth.

But GOD. But GOD kept whispering these crazy ideas to my soul: you are already accepted, you are already loved. Loved? Really, Lord? Relationship after relationship that I have tried so hard to nurture and maintain are disintegrating all around me. Loved?

For the first time in a long time I had been retreating back to an old version of myself that I don’t like and am scared of. I became gun-shy again. I avoided eye contact with people. I didn’t want to know anyone new. My heart was so heavy. I didn’t have the strength to start over and over. I stopped reaching out to people I care about. It felt safer inside my apartment all by myself even if I hated it and I hated myself.

And it is in that headspace that I cluelessly agreed to attend a conference named Living Loved. I would have been all over it just six months prior. Now there was the temptation to see it as a cruel joke. But I managed to hold back that judgement because it seemed so obvious that God’s fingerprint was all over this happening.

I agree to ride to the conference with some other ladies. Not something that comes easily to me. Suddenly they cancel riding with me. It feels like rejection again but a part of me welcomes the solitude of driving 700 miles by myself so I don’t have to force my broken heart to open to new people for such a long time. I can barely get it together enough to not close myself off to the cashiers I see for a minute or two when I stop at gas stations during my day. Connecting with people seems like something I am incapable of anymore. I mourn the loss of the happiness I used to feel.

As I drive towards the conference, I see areas of a lot of new tree growth. It is beautiful. The Texas version of the thickness of a tropical jungle. I am amazed. All of a sudden I am reminded that the area with the new growth was completely decimated a few years before by a wildfire that billowed into the sky like some scene from the apocalypse. The Spirit whispers to my soul: “I am allowing the life that you know to burn to the ground right now. Not everything will be destroyed. The very good things will remain but most of it will be burned away. This is not an indication of your worth or value. There will be beautiful new growth. Have hope.”

As if to drive the point home, I take a scenic route through a real forest. Not the low growth of the Central Texas Hill Country but huge tall majestic pine trees that tower over the road. The trees seem to have been here for hundreds of centuries. I haven’t seen trees like this in decades. My heart is so full. It feels like it will burst with seeing so much beauty. Again the whisper to my spirit: “You have been so long in one place that you have forgotten that anything else is possible. There is a whole world out there. You are crying over something that will pale in comparison to what lies ahead in the future.”

As if on cue, I exit the forest and pull into a gas station. An extremely handsome man waits for me, holds the door open for me, and smiles at me. Kindness. I want a man who is kind. I want to be kind to myself. Let’s start there.

But it hurts to hope again. Someone told me not to look at the sun during the eclipse. That’s what entertaining hope feels like. Such bright light inside our wounds is painful.

The fears rise up to protect me: “Look at yourself, lady! Who do you think you are? Have you taken a look around lately?”

One time before my best friend betrayed me, we were talking about love and acceptance. I told this person that I still believed God would send me a great man who would love me just as I am. This person replied with something akin to, “You are full of it. Look at yourself. What did that man do wrong to deserve you for punishment?”

It was an awful thing to say. It’s easy to feel anger towards this person for saying it. But hurt people hurt people. This person believed what they were telling me applied just as much to them also. I didn’t have enough sense to give this person space. I tried to defend my hope but eventually it faded away the more time I spent with them. I fell into the awful hole of trying to perform and be perfect to earn “love”.

I think God had to let that all burn down. He loved me so much. He couldn’t let me be successful in thinking I earned His love or another’s. There is no security in thinking it depends on me.

As much as I wanted to believe, my fears were not giving up without a fight: “You can’t trust God. Remember when… remember when… And what about that time when…” I fought back and forth. Success was measured in minutes.

My words to my brother echoed in my mind. “Remember God’s character. Remember how I’ve experienced Him. Just because I don’t know how to explain the bad stuff doesn’t mean He is bad.”

One foot in front of the other. One minute at a time. Manna. Keeps me close. Probably another of my prayers spoken in naivety being answered. Like when I prayed along with the lyrics: “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.”

Can I take back those prayers, Lord? And yet nothing else satisfies. One more step. “You’ve got this, right Lord? You’ve got me?”

At first I wore the “Never Give Up” shirt to keep myself going. If I just tried harder, if I just tried more, I could get there. I could make it. I could be enough. After the betrayal and other relationships started disintegrating, I learned to give up on me. To give up on others. The only hope I had was that God wouldn’t give me up.

The information from the conference speaker confirmed that point over and over to the reserved joy of my jaded heart. I braved communicating my concerns with my friend and she wasn’t mad at me. She shared insights that spoke to my heart more than my head. Answering so many questions without very many words. I saw her ahead on the path and I continued to brave more steps forward.

I forced myself to be around the people at the conference. It took all my energy to stay present. It hurt to hope. But God showed off in a big way with my “Never Give Up” shirt. And He also brought so many ladies my way that welcomed me with such kindness. That word again.

I was completely overwhelmed in the best way. It was like I was visiting a foreign country compared to what I had lived through the past few months. God was driving the point home: “I AM enough. It doesn’t depend on you.”

When I was leaving, I had the opportunity to take two ladies to the airport. Somehow we end up on the subject of marriage. One woman tells me her story within five minutes of meeting her. And it’s like Father driving the point home again to me, “it doesn’t depend on you. I love you. I AM. I AM enough.”

I head back home uplifted.

Then rain. Traffic. Car accident. More traffic. The temptation: “See, you can’t trust God. You just hear what you want to hear.”

He lets me build my ladders again. He stands with me as I work furiously. He helps me when I fall down with it all. He is right there. So close. Wiping my tears. I remember again that God is where I was welcome all along.

I call it magic these days. Witchcraft. I heard that from someone else during this recent adventure. When I convince myself that if I do XYZ then God will do 123. That’s witchcraft. I was taught that from the pulpit for so long. Now I understand the rich young ruler. “Just tell me what I have to do, Jesus? I’ve tried everything. I still can’t hear You.” Jesus loved him. Jesus loves me.

I’m learning to be the children running to Him. I’m learning to be the blind men with nothing to offer. I’m learning to live loved.

I was raised to believe in the inerrancy of the written word of God. Recently I braved my thoughts on that and started researching further. I was alarmed. So many problems with that statement. So many Bible translations. So many motives and questions.

I was mad at God. I said, “How can you expect us to get this right when you haven’t preserved a perfect copy for us?” His answer? The Word is perfect. And very much alive. The Word got it right for you.

This whole time I didn’t even realize my faith was not in God but in the Bible and my ability to interpret it and do it correctly. No wonder I had no security!! How is that method good news?!

Finally I think I see. We read thinking we will find Him and we miss Him right in front of us. The Bible is like a map, a picture. Even as good as it is, is our faith in the map or is our faith in Who the map points to? One involves trust. The other does not. One is about control. The other is about being loved.

Is God bigger than my Bible? I need Him to be. I need Him to be bigger than the teachers, bigger than the translators, bigger than the interpreters and the commentators. I need God to be bigger than me. “I AM.”

From Sojourner to me:

Awesome! You have expressed the heart of God so well. Keep writing.

I sense there is more coming and you will find God to be better than you could imagine.

I think Paul says in Ephesians that He has blessed (past-tense, by the way) us with every spiritual blessing in the cosmos. He did this “before the foundation of the world”. It’s all there, enjoy!

He also wants to give us abundantly more than we can ever think or ask. Now that’s a good God.

He delights in you. Let that soak in. Not in what you did, but in YOU.

I cannot understand God’s timing in how he reveals all this, but I do think we all need to try it on our own and find how that works for us.

You are right on with the forest being burned down so new, lush growth can come. That’s what Paul Young talks about when he tells his story.

I love your analogy that we worship the map instead of the map maker. Brad Jersak, another theologian in this group, says with smile, the church often worships ‘the Father, Son, and holy scripture’, missing the point altogether.

What a joy to walk this path with you. Thanks for sharing.

Blessings.