Sarah Nyhan

I had an interesting experience earlier.  I thought I heard Baxter in an adjacent hotel room talking with a lady.  He was I think just in the hall by the elevators because my room is right there.  Maybe it wasn’t even him, but either way, my brain thought it was him possibly being inappropriate.  Immediately anger flashed in me.  But my outward reaction?  I went to the refrigerator and ate the rest of my pizza.  Same when Dr. Rosenauer showed Bethany too much attention – I went and ate.  I wonder what is going on there?  I’m literally stuffing down my anger.  But there are also elements of fear and wanting to protect myself.  I think there is a deep layer of betrayal like, “Can any guy think of others before his ego and his penis?” I feel sorry for Danell.  She looks so angry and exhausted.  Like she used to be a different person.  I have to stay away from Dr. R.  My thinking brain knows he is bad news and he will never treat me better than he treats his wife and he treats her like crap.  Oh, there is one way he’d treat me better – if I acted all sexual like his daughter.  I’m scared of him.  I think he is a child molester.  I think he probably goes to Asian massage parlors.  If God ever lets me catch him, I will tell.  I think he has girls in different places.  Women.  I don’t want him anymore.  I just want to graduate and get out of there.  I don’t want to confront him.  I’ve tried before.  I really do want to focus on my health, me, and getting my life in order.  I don’t believe Danell sent me that text.  Maybe it was him on her phone.  Either way she is too confusing.  I’ve been nothing but nice to her but she’s going to be passive-aggressive because she hates her life?  Done.  I’m done with that drama.  I need to trust my gut.  I knew early on he didn’t respect me and was bad news.  I’m hoping he will stop waiting on me and move forward without me.  I’m hoping he will figure out some idea to cut me loose and set me free.  I really do want to get healthy.  I think I can work hopefully, no.  That’s too stressful.  I want to plan meals like a scientist with Cronometer and eat just raw vegan and make sure I get all the nutrients.  But plan my meals out because I don’t think it’s realistic to expect success with LFRV without planning.  My brain is fried.  This weekend.  The past few weeks.  I maxed out.  I think everything is going down in flames.  I don’t want to reach out to Maryann.  I want her to reach out.  I don’t want to be one of her cats.  I want to write the book and have her be one of the first people to read it.  I think the time is now to write.  Even at the conference I think God had Baxter tell one of a very few stories I hadn’t heard before about running into brain for writing and then Baxter looked directly at me as he said what he felt holy spirit told him, “Write this story the way you want to write it.” I have to tell the story my way.