Sarah Nyhan

God is so good.  So so good!  I was all worried about not dressing like all the other women, and I’m not.  But so many people told me they loved my shirt.  So many.  So that was super cool.  I was laughing thinking God let me have these enormous breasts that attract so much attention, I might as well use them as a billboard if people are going to look anyway.  It’s funny ‘cause I always wanted to be the neighborhood hope dealer and now I feel like I am.  So cool.  Everything today was just green light after green light that I think God has stories for me to write my way.  Partnering with him.  Which is really exciting.  Hopefully it will give a lot of people hope and help them not give up on God.  Not saying that everything will turn out as we expect but that his plans are good.  He can turn the messes we as humans make and use them for good.  I’m not scared of dying as much.  Still scared but before I was terrified.  Now I have a lot more peace.  I may have not accomplished all that I wanted but I know God loves me.  That’s all that matters.  But hopefully I have time to tell “my” story.

Iniquity.  For Baxter.
I had just left Manna House.  I think December 19th had already passed.  I was lost.  Angry.  Suicidal.  What happened?  I was homeless.  No where to go.  Sitting in my car at Live Oak Park.  Despondent.  Trying to figure everything thing out.  Despondent.  Very angry at myself, at others, and even at God.  How could he let me fall that hard?  Didn’t he care about my faith and the faith of those around me?  “God, you are such a big God!  This is such a small thing for you.  I was going to give you all the glory.  Isn’t that what you want?” I was so confused, lost, exhausted, upset.  And angry.  I was hurt.  As I’m sitting there in my car doing nothing but finding no rest, I am looking out at the park and the lake.  I see a woman walking on the path.  She is walking to the left.  I have this thought in my mind, “You need to talk to that lady.  She has something you need to hear.” I assume the thought is from god so I respond back in my heart/mind, “You know I would and did many times but I can’t this time, God.  I thought I heard you about so many things and obviously I heard you wrong or maybe it wasn’t even you.  Maybe it was the devil or me making stuff up.  I can’t this time.  Surely, hopefully you understand.” A few minutes later I see the lady walking back to the right.  Again the thought crosses my mind, “You know you need to talk with that lady.  She has something you need to hear.” My anger rose up! “I can’t, God!  You let me make a fool out of myself!  How can I trust I’m hearing from you correctly?  I can’t this time.  You know I’ve done it before no questions stopping me but I can’t this time.” I refuse God, but I wasn’t sure it was him.  I just couldn’t go through the pain of being wrong again.  So wrong.  Not even because I cared about anyone else’s opinion.  I just couldn’t take the pain in my heart of thinking I was hearing from God and be proven otherwise and feeling the awful feeling of worrying that I am not his, that we are separated.  I’d rather not have that completely awful pain.