Sarah Nyhan

I’m feeling very challenged right now.  Maryann invited me to this conference, appropriately named “Living Loved”.  Halfway here, I almost turned around to go back.  Filled with condemnation and anxiety.  The only thing that kept me headed this way was that Maryann signed me up to a volunteer Saturday morning.  I didn’t want someone else to have to be inconvenienced and put out of their plans so I didn’t turn back.  I have so much anxiety.  That Maryann will be embarrassed of me because of my weight and because I’m not a preppy coifed lady and because of my Never Give Up shirts.  And because of my sadness.  And because I’m not happy and chipper.  But she knows who I am.  And she invited me anyway.  Into her world.  To meet the people in her life.  She said in one of her emails that she, I think, admired my courage.  Let me check and quote it correctly.  I love her.  She is such a great gift from God to me.  This is exactly what she said, “Just leave all self-consciousness in the toilet.  Don’t forget, we are all broken.  By the way I think I sense you might be reserved as you might think I would judge you in some way.  Never!  I know you well and am so proud of your courage.  I sent you my story to let you know I’m still in process…..also.  Showing up is 90% of what’s required in life, eh?” Awww!  My heart is so full with her love.  My Montana Mom.  God, you are so good to me!  You love me so much.  I pray you would please help me chill and just enjoy this time.  I can’t do that without you.  I’m all keyed up with anxiety.  I pray again that it would be your holy spirit tonight and this weekend that speaks and you would give us ears and hearts to hear.  Thank you for this opportunity.  I pray for Baxter especially.  That he would be renewed in you.  Refreshed and encouraged by you and not in his own strength.  That he would speak from his heart and not just his mind.  That he would enjoy this weekend and it would not be just a job, just a gig.  That he would hear from you also.  Please help me see you as you really are, God.  Please lift the veil as only you can do.  I pray for wisdom and understanding and knowledge and love.  The challenge for me today and this weekend is to be myself.  To wear my large Never Give Up shirts.  To not be a preppy lady.  To just be myself and not hide and not apologize.  To not try to control the situation.