Sarah Nyhan

My best friend tells me that she thinks this new information I’m learning is from the devil. She says something like she thinks it’s from the devil because it’s telling us we don’t have to do anything to “get saved”. That’s the crux of it all. That’s why it is so important. For people like me have tried so hard to figure out the formula. Like the rich young ruler, “Just tell me what to do at all do it.” But I find my heart desperately wicked. Even if all it takes to get to heaven is believing and having faith in what Jesus did on the cross, even then I’m in trouble. How do I know if I believe enough? If I have enough faith? The conversation continues and continues, going around in circles. I’ve been on that trains for years. No assurance. This new way of thinking has brought a peace I’m not used to experiencing. I remember early on, within the first few days, I had this moment where I laid on my bed and pictured myself as a child putting their full weight on their parent and falling into their parent’s strength and protection and I fell into a deep peaceful sleep. The parent I pictured was not a human. I pictured the parent as my heavenly father. I was reminded of Jesus when he told the people to be like a little children for such is the kingdom of heaven. For the first time in my life that verse finally made sense. How can I dismiss that without researching further? My mind is flooded with thoughts. The truth is I worry about being deceived. I never would have believed it if anyone told me in a straightforward manner. I think it was a “God thing” how I even ran across the information. It felt like living water. It seemed like just a shift but such a shift that everything looked different. All of a sudden, literally, there were answers for questions I’ve had for years. I was so excited. I wanted to tell people. No one was excited. No one cared to look into it honestly and talk about the points being discussed. I was disappointed. I started doubting. But I felt God giving me a new mind for right now: to use this period of time as my own personal time. Like when you start dating someone and you spend time alone with that person for a long while before you integrate them into your other relationships. I felt for the first time in my life like this period of time is for me right now. No one else. Just me and God. Time for me to hear him. Not just in my head knowledge. But in my spirit and my heart. I don’t subscribe to emotionalism, yet I can’t deny that something has happened and something is happening. In my better moments I rejoice. Then the doubts flood my brain and I worry that I’ve lost my mind. I’ve successfully practiced, less than a handful of times, forcing myself to stop trying to figure it all out and asking God to take over. The result is His peace that passes understanding. I begin to get a brief taste of true experiential understanding of what Jesus meant when he told the weary and heavy laden to come to him for rest. I start experience his yoke being light and his burden being easy. If it feels too good to be true. Can a really be true? My heart sings “YES!” while my mind tests the ice one toe at a time. Can you hold me Jesus? Can you hold us all? Can we put the weight of the whole world on you? And lean in? I hope so. But maybe my real question is not “Can you?” but “Do you even want to?”