Sarah Nyhan

Am I responsible for seeking God and living uprightly?

Is seeking God more than just flare prayers in times of crisis? More than just keeping the law or a religious checklist?

Do I consider God as one of many? Almost like a lucky charm.

When I die and stand before Jesus, the only thing that will matter will be whether I am going to heaven or hell. Will Jesus know me when I stand before Him? How am I different from the Pharisees? What is the difference between the demons and me?

David, with his sin, is remembered as a man after God’s own heart. I read David’s Psalms, but do I take the time to seek God for my own life?

Before Adam and Eve sinned and hid themselves from God, they talked with Him and walked with Him. Likewise, Enoch is recognized by God for simply walking with Him. I have the same opportunity to reach out to God. Do I reject Him by not pursuing the relationship?

God offers Himself to all, but who really wants Him? When I get my one-way ticket to the judgement seat, will it be on me if Jesus says, “I never knew you.” Will it be my choice?

There is no way a relationship can be built on the foundation of me elevating the other person to a position only God is qualified to fill. I think the lesson God is teaching me is that the key to relationships is for each person to pursue God on their own. The closer we get to God then the closer we are drawn to each other. The other person will not complete me. Relationships amplify what is already in me.

What keeps me from God?

For many years others misrepresented God to me as a mean, angry, selfish old man that I had to appease in order to not be the object of His rage. I wouldn’t sing when the songs about God being a father played in church. I would get sick to my stomach with disgust and anger. To me, a father was the worst thing God could be.

To me, God had a checklist of things I had to do so I didn’t go to hell. I pursued Him that way at first. I believe He honored my efforts because He knew that was all I could conceptualize at the time. But the more I tried to finish all the things I thought were on His checklist, the more I realized I was failing and thought there was no hope for me. I was really angry at God and thinking, “This is impossible! How can anyone ever do all of this?”

I think that is the point where a lot of people get stuck and stop seeking God. They may keep up appearances for the approval of others, but they aren’t free to fully live or fully love. There is that gnawing sick feeling inside. Nothing really satisfies because there is some peace missing.

When I go through that, I constantly distract myself or I will become overwhelmed with despondency. But eventually I run out of energy to keep the thoughts and feelings away. I come to the end of myself; I have nothing to offer God.

He meets me there in those times and shows me grace, love, and mercy. He even makes me laugh. I experience Him showing off for me in ways that are so personal that I can’t deny His existence, love, and concern for me. I am drawn to THAT God versus the false one that people misrepresented to me.

I’ve learned that God made a way when there was no way for me.

I thought I had to bring God perfect holiness. And I do – if I want to get to heaven on my own. But He is big enough to handle the real me. All of me. All the ugly. And that was the key to getting unstuck and moving forward in my heart with God. Total honesty. I’ve admitted things to Him that I don’t ever want anyone else to know. I’ve cried out to God, “I’m so angry at You right now!” Giving Him my whole heart. Not just the parts that I think are cleaned up enough.

I’m not enough, but Jesus is enough.

I used to reduce seeking God to an intellectual exercise or living like Mother Teresa. But now I think seeking God is something much more personal. It’s like the closest I have ever felt to another human being but then some more. Where the human being ran out or ended, God never runs out or ends.

I think of Jacob when I talk about seeking God. He came from a dysfunctional family. He screwed things up with his own wives and children. He tried to solve his problems without turning to God. His shrewdness alienated him from several.

What’s interesting to me is that it appears many times for a great portion of Jacob’s life that he refers to God impersonally as “the God of my father”. But when Jacob finds himself fearing the reaping of the consequences for all of his decisions, he has an experience where he wrestles with God and says, “I won’t let go of You God until You bless me.” To me that’s what seeking God is all about. It is a wrestling. It’s saying, “I know about You intellectually, God, but I am not experiencing You right now like I want to or feel I should. I’m going to sit here until I find You, God.”

It’s not God who has grown cold.

When I find myself resisting God, I am learning to take a time out to really look at those uncomfortable feelings and thoughts towards God and ask Him, “What happened? How did I get here? How do I get where I want to be? Where You want me to be? What is standing between me and You? What do I need to do? What is keeping me from real relationship with You?”

For me, healing seems to come when I bring all of me to Him based on what Jesus accomplished versus staying away because I am still trying to get to heaven on my own merits.

What encourages me is that we are promised that God will give us what we ask for if it is according to His will. It is God’s will that I have such things as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Remember, the prodigal son is a picture for us of how God runs to us with compassion and celebrates when we turn to Him.