Sarah Nyhan

Sigh. I know comparison is the quickest path to all kinds of negativity. But I look at my peers who somehow find the time to have baby after baby, multiple jobs, multiple houses, multiple side businesses, join bands, learn new instruments, throw events, host parties, design costumes, cook fancy food, grow gardens, raise farm animals, travel, etc etc … and sometimes I feel like I am doing good just to get out of bed.

Depression? I know I fought that officially as a kid. I have a paper from a government organization that deemed me “cured”.

But they considered success the fact that I was able to get a job and find a place to live. That really doesn’t mean the depression has disappeared. It just means I’ve learned to adapt. Which I am very proud of – considering how bad I was at my worst.

I am so stubborn – I refuse to treat the depression medicinally. I want to be me, the real me, even if that means it’s not flowers and sunshine all the time. I have been prescribed different drugs before and I didn’t like how they made me feel. Plus I’m scared of the side effects.

I was in therapy for 15+ years. I wasn’t as open and honest before so a lot of people don’t know how far I’ve come. I learned a lot. I know I am a better person. I can respect how far I’ve come. How much stronger I am inside.

But when I look at my peers’ accomplishments, I have so many questions. At the risk of sounding really lazy, maybe I should keep these thoughts to myself, but I really am amazed. I wish I had their energy. I really do. I feel like I missed out on my share plus.

But I am realizing finally at 35 that I haven’t been aware of or operating in and growing my natural gifts and talents. I think that has a lot to do with it. When I’m not operating in my gifts, it’s really difficult to get excited or motivated about much. I’m only now starting to explore what that really means for me.

Wish I hadn’t lived so fearfully all this time. I’ve made so many fear-based decisions and settled for less than best a lot of the time. I realized that recently when I made an inventory of the jobs I’ve had. I haven’t been courageous enough to even dream, much less pursue what I am passionate about. It’s almost like I’m ready to risk it now that I’m older and I know I won’t break if I fail. There’s the pain of change or the pain of staying the same. The more I know about God, the more I am comfortable taking out that box of buried dreams and imagining which ones are still possible.

I chased money before. Maybe that works for some people but although I really like stuff, I finally realized I am not motivated to fight it out in the corporate world.

So then I swung myself in the complete opposite direction and caught a case of caregiver burnout.

Now I’m hopeful that there is a happy medium for me. If I stay in my own lane, I can appreciate the progress I’ve made internally at least. We don’t all start out at the same place. I feel like I’m really just now even having a clue as to who I am.

I am flat out envious sometimes of how other people seem to be able to get it all together. Not a pretty feeling. Just gotta get my eyes focused off others. Having an eternal focus helps. On those days where I have a really good conversation with someone, or I am used to encourage someone, or I can make someone laugh, or I can be with someone while they cry, or I can help someone who is truly in need, or I can help a kid feel safe, or even make the dogs happy – those moments make me feel like my life isn’t wasted time. Like I’m not a failure. Although I enjoy the pleasures of life, I guess I’m really cynical. I grew up with my dad telling me that his father worked his whole life grinding away at a government job and then died like right after he retired. Lived for his retirement and then wasn’t able to enjoy it. I never met my grandfather and the majority of the stories I heard about their family life indicate there was a lot of unhappiness. I guess that really helped shape my life decisions. I didn’t want to spend my whole life waiting to live. I’m not sure I got the balance right. But I can say I tried to make relationships a priority over almost everything. That’s backfired on me quite a few times because the other party wasn’t as invested as I was. But you live and learn. I heard a quote the other day that said life is a futile condition. Only love really matters. I know an elderly person. She’s traveled, lived in comfort, hasn’t worked in probably thirty to forty years. But she is alone. Miserable. Neurotic. Hateful even. Constantly complaining about everything and anything. And she will probably die alone. That’s not to say the pursuit of money and success caused that. But I think subconsciously I have rebelled in order to avoid that. Maybe I’ve gone a little too far. Oh well. Life goes on. Now I’m just trying to figure out what God wants for me. Because life is never boring with Him. New spiritual experiences every day. Wish I didn’t have to live in this physical world sometimes. Try not to take it too seriously because I know it is not forever. I know He’ll still help me. Learning to lay down my fears is a big step. Learning to trust Him is another. Trust that He didn’t give me these gifts just to tease me. And He won’t leave me. He will always help me. Feels like a mid-life crisis. :)