Sarah Nyhan

Oh Sarah,
I am so sad for you. That is a horrible thing for your mother to say, much
less think. If I were in your situation I would have a hard time breathing,
much less working, staying away from self-harm, or thinking about how not to “off” yourself. I would scream and yell and pound my fists on the walls and throw things if I were you. Do you have an abandoned area where you live?
I have a lake that I go to. There is a bridge there and I take glass
bottles and go throw them at the huge bridge posts. It makes a lovely angry smashing sound. A friend or two and I will go out there and scream and throw bottles.

Listen carefully to me: You are Sarah. You are cared for by other people.
You may feel that nothing else matters if your mom and dad and family
dislike you, but that doesn’t mean you are not worthy. It doesn’t mean you
are ugly or stupid or unlovable or wonderful. It means those people who
dislike you have some major problems. It means you are very hurt by them
because yes, they are suppossed to love you more than anyone else in the
world. You CAN’T choose your family, but you CAN choose your friends. What your mom said SUCKS and if parental rights could be taken away for emotional abuse, I’m sure that would be presented as evidence in your case.

I don’t know you but I think I know what you are going through. Here’s a
quick poem I wrote
(http://www.geocities.com/wonder_grrrl00/writings/writings.htm) a long time ago:

“Three Stanzas of Pain

Another day,
Another way,
Just one more year to go,
She does say.

Regardless we,
Are stuck to be
In this place of too much
Misery.

Try to think twice,
Focus on nice,
When I contemplate
my wrists to slice.”

I wrote that when I lived with my mom. My therapist kept telling me to hold out. I was always thinking about destroying myself. I felt no love from my parents. To be honest, they haven’t changed. I sing that Papa Roach song from my heart, Broken Home
(http://www.geocities.com/gmedina_2/brokenhome.html):

“But does my father even care?
If I’m sad or angry
You were never ever there
When I needed you
I hope you regret what you did
I think I know the truth
Your father did the same to you
Did the same to you! “

Your mom is obviously very screwed up and doubt I say cold and uncaring.
That is probably the reason you are posting to a self-harm group. You never heard her say the actual words before but I am sure she made her feelings known in other ways. The only way I get through feeling absolutely unloved is because I know God loves me. That is the only way I survive. Nobody in this world is going to love you unconditionally and forever. God is the only one who can do both. Deut. 31:6 says, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” That is so comforting to me. I go and cry and I mourn to God. I absolutely come to Him with everything and say, “I don’t want to live, Lord. You know what I am feeling right now. I am in so much pain because of my situation. The only way I’m going to get through this is if you help me. I can’t do it.” And He pulls through every time. Nobody ever loved me like Jesus.

Hang in there Sarah. Your mother doesn’t know that God can make wonderful beautiful things out of “mistakes.” You are loveable – don’t ever doubt that.
–Sarah also

http://www.geocities.com/wonder_grrrl00

p.s. i tried to leave home at 17 – it was very hard because i didn’t have
any resources to carry me through. I left at 19 and haven’t been back
since – it has been the best two years of my WHOLE life! Believe me on that one.