Sarah Nyhan

I have had a really bad few days.
I got arrested for evading arrest with a motor vehicle.
I was speeding.
I turned a corner.
I got pulled over for evading arrest.
Ok, I turned two corners.
But I didn’t see him.
Till it was too late.
Ok, I saw him pass me.
But i never saw lights.
Till it was too late.
Right now I am watching blood dry on my arm.
Hoping roommate does not come walking past room.
No, I can’t close the doors.
They are glass doors.
No help.
But I think she’s asleep.
Damn, got blood on t-shirt.
Yesterday also.
Three year old god-son asked me earlier today what happened to my arm.
Why do I have to live in Texas and where short-sleeved shirts?
It’s not that bad.
Just made from scratching.
but worse than i expected.
the blood and all.
it’s wierd.
after all this time.
since december.
and only a few times before.
i still want to do it.
i want to cut.
and bleed all over myself.
i want to scream at myself.
and hit myself.
and burn myself.
i know that sounds horrible.
but it’s the truth.
i love it!
i made some scratches on my hand.
i love to look at them.
i don’t like other people to look at them.
not unless they understand and are strong enough to handle the feelings they
have when they see scars.
but whare are all those cool people?
usually with degrees on their walls from such-and-such-rich-bitch-university
not that college is bad at all
but my blue collar friends don’t know a damn about self-harm
misery yes.
self-harm, no.
whay do you think i am writing here?
i am so sad right now.
as i am writing this and not believing i am
i am feeling so sad.
not sad when you miss out on something or a friend leaves for a month.
but depressed sad
aaaaahhhhh
can’t believe i said that.
i haven’t been on psycho drugs since July.
i don’t want to be bona-fide sick again
at least right now, I am the only person who knows right now.
the other people think things are going along good.
and i hope so too
but i feel sick with worry
worry that i am gonna have to touch base again with good ‘ol mister Depres
Sion.
Please pray for me.
I don’t want to believe I will go back.
I want to move on.
God will help me or do it.
That I am sure.
But this d@m^ flesh wants a whole lot more!
I am really tired.
I only take partial credit for this as I am leaning my head on the table
ready to wake up wih a sore neck.
See ya,
Sarah