I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.
Sometimes I feel stupid for thinking about you. For hoping you’ll come back to life. That God could use us to help bring real hope to the world in a big way. To give them a love story to believe in.
I think maybe I just made it all up. Maybe I just read too much into everything.
But God specializes in the impossible. Supposedly.
Were those real stories with real miracles? I think so. At least some of them weren’t just allegories, right Lord?
Could it really be true for us?
I always wanted to go out like Enoch.
Or live like the story I heard of George Mueller when the kids were fed when there wasn’t any food.
God could still do that for us now.
If David stopped to think it through, killing Goliath in his own strength was ridiculous.
Same with the guys in the fiery furnace. How could they say You would deliver them if they really thought it through?
I mean theoretically, sure. But I think You are more than a theoretical God.
Jonah never should have been spit up from the whale.
The Israelites never should have crossed the Red Sea on dry land and avoided Pharaoh’s army.
You never should have been raised from the dead, Jesus.
I think You are real. I think those things happened. I don’t know how, but I think they really happened.
So I think You can also do anything now. Nothing is too hard for you. Not even putting two hearts back together.
Were they ever really together in the first place? Sometimes I think maybe you were running away the whole time. But then why would you tell me we could get married if I lost weight?
What if that quantum shit is real? What if I lose the weight and you really are able to get back?
I don’t think you wanted to face what happened. How it happened.
But you could come back renewed. Brand new. With clear sight and hearing. To tell us even more than I suspect, I’m sure.
I’ll have to be okay with it either way. But what if?
I think we had something. I don’t think it was just me. I think you enjoyed me.
I think you fell back into the flesh. “Reality” as you called it.
I don’t want to do that. If there is a chance, I want it. Please, God.
In the meantime, maybe there is no right or wrong. Either it will be God or it won’t. Because I can’t do it in my strength. That I know for sure.
So I’ll just work on trying to figure out what I want and how to add happiness to my life. How to take responsibility for my happiness. Deciding what stays, what goes, and what gets added in.
That wasn’t you as you were. So that won’t be you going forward. Dead or alive.
But you could change. God could do that. And bring you back to life.
But if God doesn’t then I am moving on.
I can’t believe that is the end. I can’t believe all of that was just for the story to end like that. I don’t like that ending. At all. I hope there is still hope.
But if that really is how things are going to end with you, with Calvary Chapel, with San Antonio and all the people I wanted to love here, then I guess so be it.
But I’m still not going to lay down and give up. There has to still be more left in this life for me. I want it all.
But I can’t do it without You, God. At all. You are my only hope, God.
Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.
- Booty Luv – Boogie 2nite (Seamus Haji Big Love Edit) 
- Caskey – An Artist’s Artist
- Caskey – Holding On To A Gun
- Cathy Lemons – You’re in My Town Now
- CAZZETTE ft. Terri B! – Blind Heart
- Led Zeppelin Vs. Gramatik – Stairway To Hip-Hop Heaven
- Luther Vandross – Never Too Much
- Manic Focus – Rooster
- Marvel Years – Bigger Than We Feel
- Sons of Legion – Brand New Day
Other content I’ve consumed.
- A quick and easy light dinner!
- Before and after moving to Germany
- Fresh Fruit Food Feeder Grinding Stick Baby Nibble
- “I’m like the bisexuality of ability.” Tina Friml
- Mothers Day Dark Origin Story
- That’s one way to parallel park
- They went straight up
- This hill climb
- This strength is extraordinary
- “We should stop calling all of weed ‘weed.’”