By: Sarah Nyhan

I heard someone say that He absolutely adores me. And you. Everyone.

So I asked Him. Because frankly, there is no shortage of criticism and I am often disappointed with myself.

The picture I believe He gave me was of this day back on August 12, 2014 when I took Mickey to the clinic so Naminé could get her first shots. I took this picture as we sat in the waiting room for a long time. Look at that beautiful smile!

Only a few minutes later we were called back to the room for Naminé to get her first shots. The medical professionals laid her on the table. Me on one side, Momma Mickey on the other. And then despite all of us doing our best, Naminé started crying so much when she was given the shot. I remember the look in her eyes like – “What?! What is happening?! Ouch!!!”

It felt like her eyes were telling us that we betrayed her trust. She was so hurt and mad.

But were we disappointed in her for her reaction?! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! In fact, I was crying so much! Oh my gosh, my heart was breaking! The tears would not stop from MY eyes. I ABSOLUTELY did NOT want her to be hurt! I would have done anything if there was another way.

Nobody in that room that day was disappointed with her! We knew she couldn’t understand what was happening. But we couldn’t wait to give her the shots until she was able to understand. She needed the shots now. It didn’t feel good but it was ultimately for her best.

She wasn’t able to understand love. Much less science and why we had to make her hurt. She was only able to understand when she felt good and when she felt bad.

Same with bringing children to the dentist. We have to do it before they understand what is happening. Some of them panic and freak out. Do we not have empathy for them? And yet it would be doing them a disservice if we allowed any infection to fester until they were able to understand. They need healing now.

I feel like that is what He told me about me. And us.

I get so mad. And frustrated. Sad. Etc. I want what hurts to go away! Now! I look Him in His eyes and feel betrayed! “How can I trust You anymore?”

I am not saying He causes bad things to happen. That is way above my pay grade. I’d be a fool to speak with certainty about much of anything. Much less that subject.

All I know is that He is love. He is good all the time. And I am His kid. And He gave me this picture today. It comforted me and I hope it will comfort you.

He isn’t disappointed in us or our feelings when we don’t understand. I don’t think He is disappointed in us as we scream and kick like a little kid who doesn’t want anymore pain.

Even though I took care of Naminé by taking care of her momma before she was even born, even though I took care of Naminé from almost the day she came home from the hospital, she didn’t know me or my love for her. I knew her, but she didn’t know me. She only knew when she felt good and when she felt bad.

So it’s ok for us also. He knows us and He knows we don’t know Him… yet. Someday we will know as we are known. In the meantime, we learn and His patience and mercy endures forever. He is loving kindness.

He is not disappointed. None of this is a surprise. He knew it all before and still said it is good. He still waits, looking on the horizon in order to celebrate us seeking shelter in His heart.

And this is not the end of the story. We are not able to see the big picture yet.

Ask Him. Whatever you need. Whatever you want. Ask Him. See what He says.

By: Sarah Nyhan

I used to read it that Adam and Eve covered themselves due to shame about something they did. Now, I wonder if they covered themselves more because their eyes were opened to see their vulnerability. And in turn maybe the covering and the hiding was an effort to do what they could in their own strength in order to not feel so exposed.

These times certainly have me feeling even more vulnerable and exposed than usual. And I seem to have almost exhausted every one of my own efforts to shelter my place in this world and existence. He said to come as a child and I think the farthest I’ve made it is coming as a teenager, so to speak, with lots of energy spent towards ya know, doing MY part.

But is that really being in the complete dependence of a child? Children are so exposed and vulnerable! I saw a wild animal who birthed an offspring that immediately started walking. Are human children the most dependent out of all Creatures? I wonder. I suspect so. It takes years and years for a human child to be able to survive “on their own”.

And if you had a parent that you trusted, did you spend all your time helping them provide for you and protect you? Or did you spend the majority of your time enjoying the world they provided for you?

I don’t think this is a test. I think this is deeper, and deeper healing. Deepest healings. For my benefit. Not for His ego. To bring forth all the potential that was Created in me. In us.

I realize I have never fully trusted. And for good reason based on human interactions. But my soul is continually comforted when I reach my ends. And I am continually, gently reminded of all the times before when my strength wasn’t needed. When He was bigger than me. Than anything I could bring to the table.

This is not easy. But it is simple. And I ask in gratitude for more. For the most. For everything there is to enjoy.

I heard someone say today something to the effect of: full reconciliation is a done deal; full realization is the current aim. It resonated with me. Sharing in case it resonates with anyone else.

We get a choice. To live only according to what our eyes can see? Giving fear free reign? Or will I, will we, dare to listen to that persistent hug of a whisper that speaks to endless mysteries pregnant with much greater possibilities? Way beyond the galaxies and our imaginations.

By Sarah Nyhan

My grief tempts me so much to replace the message of my feelings for truth. To switch my focus from God’s heart to how the situation seems to look right now.

I have the choice to indulge in self-pity and hopelessness. But I feel God calling me to have courage, frankly. To think on all He has done before. To remember His heart for me as evidenced in the ages and so many times personally before.

I fear and resist because I do not want to experience more pain and disappointment. I don’t want to feel appearing like a fool for the millionth time. I get exhausted when I take my focus away from God’s heart for me.

This could be an adventure. This could be flying instead of falling. The anticipation of mystery revealed instead of framing uncertainty in dread.

Who am I? A beloved child of God. He loved me to and through death.

This is what Jesus endured as everyone abandoned Him. Naked. Exposed. Crucified. Right before the great resurrection of all brand new abundant life.

This is what Joseph experienced as his best landed him in prison, forgotten by those who should have known better. Right before the purpose of all the preparation was revealed.

Will I continue circling the desert of my abysmal self-sufficiency? Will I settle for camping just outside unlimited potential in exchange for certainty’s colorless “comfort”?

Who is this God that loves me so much? That is my Father? My warrior for all He created in me?

Who is this gnat, this flea, this mosquito pestering me? This mere illusion of a formidable enemy?

I get to choose. This is only a battle in my mind. Will I collapse into His more than capable embrace? Will I let go of needing to know how it all works out? Will I let God surprise me? Will I choose the dreams my desires dare to consider? More than I can see. More than I can ask or imagine.

An unceasing whisper to imagine where this rejection is positioning me. Asking me not only what I need to survive, but what I’d want if I didn’t put any limits on God. If the Trinity was united in and exceptionally eager to bust apart all the boxes I thought I could carry God in. All that He has is mine.

Will I insist on this just being a story about what I can do in my own strength? Or will I open my heart to trust God for much bigger beauty?

By Sarah Nyhan

I have received a lot of rejection in response to my changing beliefs about God over the past few years. People I once was close to have told me they were going to warn others against me. Judging from the rejection I have received, I don’t doubt that has already happened.

As much as I still very much miss the connection I used to have with those that have rejected me, I strongly disagree with some of the responses that I’ve seen from “churchfolk” in response to this real health issue (ask Italy, South Korea, China, and the nursing home in Washington).

In that respect and on behalf of all those who are struggling with concerns or thinking differently, I would just like to point out that South Korea reports that as of today 5,016 cases (60%) of the virus are connected to Shincheonji Church – which in my opinion negligently over-spiritualized and ignored physical realities of this virus.

I used to be one of those people, so I understand how they end up there and I have compassion as much as I expect my words will fall on many deaf ears.

But for anyone on the fence, this is for you: God is not “quarantined” to a specific building with specific people. God will find you wherever you are and whoever you are with. You will not be loved less by God for using your God-given brain to do what you feel is best for you and yours.