Sarah Nyhan

You see someone else. You love their energy. You want that for yourself. They even sell a course.

But you know it’s not you exactly. You’re not that person. You can’t do what they do in the way they do it. 

Right there. That’s the line. That’s where it becomes a trap – a place your mind gets stuck. Or absolute freedom. Where you don’t become someone else. But you step more fully into who you are.

This has been so difficult for me to learn and internalize. Because I want so much to have connection, but my whole life has me setup to be the outsider. I’ve struggled so much socially, relationally. Because everyone has told me just to dumb myself down to get small enough that people will tolerate me.

And yet I feel this internal guidance that the only way I’ll ever be truly happy is if I get the courage to be myself without any apologies. That giving myself the permission to be exactly who I am will draw in and attract the community that will not only pursue but celebrate me. Versus those who belong to other communities that continually tell me I’m too much or not enough.

That concept is so foreign to how I was raised. Both in the family and church and society. It is so scary to consider stepping out of the herd and not fitting in. While also hating that part of me that is scared at all about that.

It is what it is. If we can settle the panic and just think through it. Logically. 

I am thankful sometimes that everything fell apart. That more specifically: I didn’t shut up and kiss the asses and suck the dicks it would have took to keep everything together. I could never. No shame to others. Just everything in me would honestly rather die. 

But in that, I have been stripped of the pressure to keep up most appearances. When people already count you down and out. When life already feels honestly like a big fat failure. It’s like, “Fuck it. Might as well have some fun.” 

As in try some things.
As in actually see if it’s possible to get what you really want.

What if it actually worked out? 
What if this happiness shit is actually possible?

What if I fucked around and created a community that was REALLY for me? Where there were like-minded people. Instead of being seen as always the other?

Would that be worth the effort? 

If I believe in God, the REAL God, then I have no other option. I have to believe all the difficult things were and are for a purpose. I have to ask to see what good there is in all the pain. Even the worst.

And I have to believe that I am not a mistake. I am who I am for a reason. And it isn’t so I can just be a tool for others torture. No, I honestly believe God has a path of happiness for me also. 

And I think I’m going to find it as I step into who I am. And stop worrying about whether anyone else looks down on me. 

And definitely stop shutting myself down just because other people don’t understand. And wouldn’t do it my way.

I have to let other people have their path.

And I HAVE to get over waiting for all the good things Life has for me until everyone else is on board.

I never wanted to be a leader. I never wanted to be the person out front. It is so unnatural to me. But out of necessity it feels like I have to get over that fear. 

The only way I can do it is to reconcile that it’s not about being some power and control addict. Not at all. It’s only about survival. I have just as much right to exist as myself as anyone else does. And if that results in other people being upset then I have to get over that. If others perceive that as being “brave”, so be it. But it’s just survival for me.

I can’t live duplicity. I do not have what it takes. My life would probably have been so much more comfortable if I could just mold myself to others expectations, but I never had that energy. I can barely keep up with what’s really going on. Much less simultaneously dance to keep up with anyone else.

All to say I just gotta put the blinders on finally. Just ignore all the noise. Let everyone and everything go that doesn’t want to stay. And trust in believe that what’s good will come as I stop trying to be anyone other than who I am. 

Let ’em all have a problem with it. If they don’t respect me, at least I’ll like and respect myself.

I don’t want to give away that power anymore to be dependent on anyone showing up for me. As an adult, it’s ridiculous to wait for anyone else to do for me what I can do for myself. Even being my own best friend. 

That will sound narcissistic to those who haven’t owned their healing. Haven’t owned who they are. Those who are unable to let anyone else be free because they are still so married to keeping up appearances. 

No judgement. Just saying. 

It’s a journey. It’s a process. 

But if better is out there to be had, then why not go for it?

I refuse to join you in settling. Especially for fear. When I believe in a God that is much more bigger than that.

This isn’t just frivolous theories. This is theology. This is everything. What God do you believe in?