Sarah Nyhan

I dreamt about you for several hours this morning. We spent time together in my dreams. I was so sad when I woke up and it wasn’t true. At least in the here and now.

There’s definitely not a week that goes by that I don’t think of you. Maybe not even a day. Now that’s pretty gay! 😉😆

Yet I have to surrender you. To respect you – for one. And to keep my sanity – secondly. But I don’t think I’m capable of ever giving up on you.

Unless someone else comes along that I am better connected with. But it’s been over twenty years. And you’re one of a very few that my heart ever still wants. 

How many thousands of people did I give rides to when I worked as a taxi driver for Yellow Cab way back in the day?

How many dozens of people did I meet when I managed those Airbnbs in Austin?

I gave rides to over 800 people on Uber.

I met over 11,000 people while doing Lyft for over six years. 

And STILL! I’ve probably met well over 20,000 people in the past twenty years. And STILL there is no one like you. No one has ever been able to replace you.

It’s true: I have a handful of people I have Loved. For completely different reasons. And I would also want them all in my Life if that would ever happen. But that doesn’t mean you mean less to me. Twenty years! And my heart still dreams of you. Literally.

It isn’t like I don’t get offers. Just this week. A male my age, quite fit, approached me as I was walking into the grocery store. Grabbed my hand. Put his arm around me. BEGGING! To the point of following me around the store.

The logical side of me tells me to move on. But there was nothing in me that wanted him. 

I can’t settle for just getting attention. Or even for money. Not about the house. Not about the career.

It isn’t even about looks. Had a gorgeous Indian athlete with a chiseled body begging for me in Georgetown. Couldn’t do it. I was completely unmoved. Couldn’t wait to get out of there fast enough.

End of the day I still want you.

Had TWO guys in the Dallas area offer to pay me to suck my toes! Of all things. So many would have done it. But I had no interest. I even needed the money. But couldn’t bring myself to even consider it seriously.

Was in the Goodyear off Bandera in San Antonio. Another quite fit man from Africa. Aggressively pursuing me. 

I tried to deflect another one by telling him to call my uncle and brother for their approval. He actually called my brother! I didn’t think that would happen. 

Another one named Solomon. When I tried to deflect him by saying he could only spend time with me if he went to the church when I attended back then. He actually showed up! 

A guy in Austin I met. Again BEGGING! “You’re gonna miss your blessing, girl. You’re gonna miss your blessing.” 

The guy in Denton who tried to pay me to spend time with him. Still I couldn’t do it. Still I wanted you.

The list goes on and on and on if I make the effort to think of it.

They feed me this line that they can help me come up by us partnering up. Over and over. Guy after guy. And believe me, I have needed the help. But still can’t bring myself to ever settle.

Still I think about you. 
Still I want you.

Still I’d rather work night and day. Bust my ass by myself. Alone every damn day and damn night. Than settle for anything less than you and I had.

At least take that as a compliment. At least don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t want you and value you like I do.

And there have been females also. But that’s a more obvious comparison. And none of them even came close to measuring up. So far behind I gave them all zero time.

But I also have to apologize. Because I haven’t respected you. I didn’t trust God to bring us back together at some point if that’s what is best.

I thought by trying to get you to see my point of view that things could be fixed. I’m sorry I didn’t respect you to make up your own mind.

I’m finally there. I finally get it. That real Love means exactly what they always said: you gotta let people go if they want to leave. Real Love only exists in absolute freedom. To be who you are, who you want to be. And do exactly what you want to do.

I have completely surrendered you now. But even if I do my best to move on, I still hope I’ll see your name on my Caller ID someday. I still hope someday to be laying next to you in bed watching whatever. I still hope someday we’ll be driving around together. You giving me shit for everything. I miss everything about you, honestly.

I want to grow old with you. I want to cook you food. I want to help out with the lawn. The laundry. The car washes. The cleaning. I want to give you massages. I want to show you off. I want to listen to everything you want to say. Everything you want to talk about.

And I’ve traveled from one end of the country and back. I was as far northwest as the San Juan Islands up in Washington State. To the tip of Key West, Florida. 

And still there was no one who took your place. I saw lots and lots of places. But still they were empty without you there with me.

I realize now that home isn’t a geographic location. Rather home is who you are with. Home is a person. Home is who is in your heart.

I could care less about where I stay anymore. I only care about who I do Life with. Who I Love.

Like I said, I know you can do better than me. I know I have messed up. I wish more than anyone I could go back and do better by you. I’d pay every last cent if that was an option.

All I can do now is work on myself with whatever time I have left. Hoping someday at least we’ll spend time together as friends. That would be better than nothing. For sure. That thought alone gets me out of bed and upright. Helps me get the motivation to keep on. 

But if I never see you again, I genuinely hope you’re happy. I wish you no ill will. I hope whoever you have in your life values you. I hope you have lots of laughs and enjoyment. I worry about you physically and pray you experience relief in every sense. I hope you are safe and comfortable. 

Even with someone else. As hard as that is to admit.

I’m thankful for the lessons that I had to learn while we have been apart. They were so necessary. But I don’t know if they were worth it if I lost you forever in the process. 

I guess as long as you and I are still breathing then there is hope.

But I know I am not my best right now. So that’s what I am focused on in the interim. Working my ass off to really be available. To be a present partner. Who can really show up this time. For real life shit. Not just the fun.

I want you to be proud of me. Not me just proud of you. I want you to be able to show me off. Not me just wanting everyone to see how good you are.

You deserve that. Whoever you pick. Me or not.

I want to be the best person for you. Not just someone who adores you. You deserve that also. No matter if it’s me or someone else.

So I best quit writing this and get busy. Every minute I waste doing anything else is a day and night I might miss out on with you.

Loving myself first. I know that is the answer. 

But damn, I hope one day we’ll be together again. More than in just my dreams.