Sarah Nyhan

I thought I wanted you. I thought I wanted you to want me. But after years of going back and forth, I realize I dodged more than a few bullets when we parted ways.

It’s difficult to admit because my ego was so involved. And maybe more so my years of trauma that may never be resolved.

But now I see that I didn’t really want you. I just wanted how you made me feel. In the good times. Before the bad times outweighed the whole deal.

I think a lot of people do this. Unknowingly mostly.

We don’t really want to stop eating our comfort foods. We just want the acceptance of others that we’re sold we’ll get if we make ourselves smaller.

We don’t really want to work in corporate hell. The obtrusive hum of fluorescent lighting in a soulless cubicle. Stuffing our faces with high-fat snacks from the vending machine just to face powering through pretending to care in yet another meeting where people try to offload the emotional labor of making decisions. So they won’t feel as responsible later if shit hits the fan. Just make the decision, Karen.

Not that all corporate work is bad. But the majority is running the gauntlet of executives not having the balls to eliminate that person or people who make everyone else’s life miserable. Until the whole place is a cancerous fuck. Because nobody can tell entitled Eric or spoiled Sally that they need to grow the fuck up.

No, I just wanted the money. And I was told that was the only way.

You don’t care about my happiness. You never check up on me for that. Ever.

You just want me to have money so I can give it to you later. You just talk to me so I will take care of you if you can’t take care of yourself later.

I have to admit to myself that you really don’t care. Not enough for me. Not the caring I need. And maybe you never did.

I have to ask myself the hard questions. I have to be honest with myself. Something you NEVER do. Because it was taught that way to you also.

But I can’t feel so sorry for you that I join you on that path. Because you SURELY have proven you will NEVER take care of me. You will NEVER do for me what you expect me to do for you. EVER.

That is selfish. Even if in ignorance. And how can I be expected to sacrifice my whole life just to ensure you live comfortably in your continued delusions all the rest of your wasted days?!

That’s what you ask of me?! That I quite literally lose what’s left of my life just because you refuse to live yours?

That’s too high a price to pay. For so little in return. And it’s BEEN this way for so long. It’s not like I don’t have a wealth of data to go on.

I can’t join you in that. I’m precious also.

I have to trust you to God. In order to tell you no and move on. If you never get it together. God’s my only hope for you. And God’s got a pretty good track record. So I probably should have backed off long before anyway.

My job is just to enjoy what’s left of this stupid life. Of my miserable stupid life.

My job is to not take this insanity too seriously. My job is to not stress in the face of so much evil. Not to let it kill me. Or at least take me out long before the physical does me in.

As in maybe there’s a laugh to be had today. Maybe there’s a dumb reason to smile. Maybe we can joke about being too fat to do OnlyFans. So we might as well have another taco. Enjoy that damn salsa. Say fuck it and do some intellectual volleying with a friend. At least a friend for that moment. Even if life will inevitably get to them most likely. Get them out of their best. Maybe even to my detriment eventually.

But today. This moment. That’s all we really have. That’s all we get.

And you’re going to spend it worrying about some political shit you have absolutely zero control over?!?!

They want you to think that by stressing yourself out and working yourself every waking hour that you can move the dial. You can’t by playing their game. You’d only get far by them letting you through their disdain of your existence.

To even think of you is labor they loathe. One flick of the pinky finger. One press of a button and you’re gone forever.

That’s fuck you money they got in spades. In loads. So en masse that you’re not even a toy worth playing with. You’re a gnat. Eliminated as practice. Not even an afterthought.

No, you haven’t REALLY done the math to think playing their game is a good or even realistic idea. That’s why you keep losing.

But that’s also my super power: that you’ve taken everything away from me. That I am now comfortable in having so little. Being given absolutely nothing but endless problems.

Because now I can walk away when you can’t. You think that tower of stuff you’ve built up for yourself is somehow your worth on display. But in a crisis it’s all just golden handcuffs.

You’re not free like me. Not really.

Not the kind of free… that leaves me able to choose what I really want. That leaves me free to actually enjoy this day. To let it all go. To walk away if I need to. To pursue another adventure and see if there’s anything new to pursue.

It’s not that I am better. It’s just whatever makes you happy.

That’s my responsibility. To be accountable for whether I actually get to the point. Actually did the things I wanted to do.

Or just went along to get along. All to and then blame everyone else. And make their lives miserable because I hate mine.

No thank you. Call me crazy, call me ungrateful, call me too picky, call me ironically irresponsible – but no. No thank you if that’s what being accepted by you requires.

This is where your true beliefs, your true theology is exposed. You can sing “Jesus Loves me” all day long but you don’t REALLY believe.

Maybe for others, but not for yourself. You made deals with a lot of devils because you don’t really believe Father God wants to give you the true desires of your heart. Your earthly dad didn’t come through, he didn’t show up. So why would Creator God?

And yet, can’t you see? Your whole life – God refuses to conspire with you to settle for so little.

You’re not happy because this isn’t what you really want. And God refuses to give up on you no matter how hard you try to settle. Try to convince yourself to just sit down, shut up, and play nice for at least a few crumbs.

I forgot who I was.
I was so long in the trenches of shit they gave me that I forgot who I was and what I wanted.

I forgot to dream. I started to resent being asked to hope.

It’s all okay. None of it matters so much that you’re not allowed to try new stuff, new ways. And make “mistakes”.

None of this stuff, or okay – a lot of this stuff isn’t even real. Politics isn’t a real thing. Neither is most of religion.

It’s just hurt kids trying in vain to control outcomes in order to avoid pain.

Money also. It doesn’t even exist. It’s just paper that people attribute value to. It’s literal tree pulp. Or bits of ones and zeros in some electronic dataset somewhere in the sky. Held together by electricity. Disappearing in a second if the power ever gets cut off permanently.

You’re the real product. You’re the real life force. You’re the real energy. YOU are what can never be replaced. How you show up in the world. How you give yourself away.

Or don’t.

You either cooperate so they can live happily. You either help them meet their goals and dreams.

Or you have the courage to go live your own.

Maybe it’s possible to do both. But be sure no one is looking out for you. Not like you need.

To no fault of their own. They have enough trouble living their own life. Who doesn’t?!

But this is what it comes down to – did you LIVE your real Life? Did you at least die trying?

Or did you spend all day every day determined to value fear over possibilities? Determined to do your absolute darnedest best to not risk even one little shred of certainty for actual happiness?

Which God do you actually believe in?

No, better yet, which version of YOU do you actually believe to be true?!

The proof is in the pudding. Time will tell. There’s no escaping. There’s no hiding. Especially from yourself.

We can all see quite plainly. Even if I’m the only one foolish enough to tell you the truth.

Peace for me. And hopefully much more.

But what will YOU choose? You can start today. Even right now.