Sarah Nyhan

I don’t want you to be the last time I was happy. I refuse to go out like that.

If it was meant to be, it would have been.
If it is meant to be, it will be.

I welcome you in my life if you want to work towards being the healthiest versions of ourselves. But I’ve decided I’m going to stop waiting for you. Waiting for hope that doesn’t seem to ever realize.

I have too much life left to live. If you don’t want to participate, then there are plenty of other people. That are willing and able to get it together. Even if you refuse to. Even if you want to give up.

No matter how much I love you, I’m not going to join you in letting go. I can’t. I’ve fought too hard. I don’t want to go out like that.

I see a whole world out there. And I intend on fully using all the time I’m given in this crazy human experience. To explore and go on many more adventures. And love.

I meet people all the time. I just wasn’t open to them. Because I was waiting for you.

But you keep breaking my heart. Over and over and over. And I’m not going to do it anymore.

I found my value. I’m starting to like myself again. I’m doing things that make me respect myself again. So I don’t need you to cosign my life anymore.

I love you so much. But you take me for granted. And I haven’t wanted to accept that for the longest. But it’s the hard truth. Otherwise you’d be here right now working on making it work.

I’ll never give up on you. But I’m no longer chasing. I’m no longer begging. That can’t be what the rest of my life will look like.

I don’t want to fall in love like that ever again. I don’t want to lose myself like I did with you.

I don’t want to live anyone else’s life. I want to write my own story. And let us come together organically without either of us getting sucked into the other.

Actually everyone. I never want to lose myself again like I did for so many years before with so many different people.

Because at the end of the day, all I have is myself. There is no fairytale; I was lied to. Just people deciding to put in the work with each other.

And I don’t have anything to share right now because I gave it all away these years past. The only way I’ll ever be better for anyone again is if I put myself first for once. If I become the friend to myself that I can count on. That I was hoping you would be.

I’m going to stop letting myself down.

Happiness might find me. But I’m not going to sit around and wait for it anymore. I’m going to go out and get it.

I’m going to set myself up for more and better. So when the time is right, I’ll be able to fully enjoy whoever decides to show up with me.