Sarah Nyhan

I thought I finally had a family. I thought I finally belonged somewhere. To someone. That I was finally home.

Everything stopped when all of that fell away.

And I’ve tried to be okay with it. I’ve tried to dust myself off, get back up, and try again for the millionth time.

But no matter how many times I’ve tried, it hasn’t worked. This one hurt. This one broke my heart. This one broke my “never give up”.

I don’t want to leave you behind. I’m not okay with that! I’ll never be okay with that.

Why can’t these relationships be fixed? That’s all that matters.

All the money in the world would be helpful. But I want both. All the money in the world would mean so much more if I had those I love to share it with. Not to feel any obligation. But to share it because I want to share it.

Creating, imagining, manifesting, attracting – whatever they want call it, I’m not okay leaving all those dreams behind.

I just want to scream from the top of my lungs: God, PLEASE resurrect all that was good back to Life! PLEASE! AND even better than it was before!

I hear so much from so many places. Mind-body connections. The masculine and the feminine joining. The left and the right minds. Whatever it is, whatever all that is – we need healing so much, God!

If there is no hope, then somehow I’ll get through. But I’m not okay walking away and just saying this is it. I’m not okay laying down and letting those dreams die.

Nothing is too difficult for you, God. You could bring all of this back to Life, Real Life. You could resurrect this city, this country, this world. You could do it right now.

We need You in our hearts. We need to see and hear. To know how much we are Loved.

I can’t do it alone. I’ve tried. I am spent.

The encourager needs some encouragement. The encourager needs some Love. Some hugs. Some fun. And a lot of laughs.

I need a home. I need a family. I need someone to love. To sleep next to at night.

I want to shine bright. But my light feels so dim, Father. I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on You.

Please, God. Please. You can do anything. I don’t want some hypothetical resolution in the afterlife. I want to see it now. I don’t want another day of this earth and these people, Your people, suffering in so much pain and agony. You can fix it all, God.

They said the volcano was dormant. But then there was a massive explosion. And look at all that happened in those matter of seconds.

But we need more than volcanos. We need a massive showing up from You, Trinity!

I am so tired, God. I want to see You now. In more than just myself. I want to see You show off and bring us back to Life. Bring back everything that was good. And even better this time around.

Even my biological family healed somehow. I’ve tried and I can’t do it. They don’t listen to me. You’ve closed their ears and eyes and hearts and minds.

Please let me see You shine and bring us back! You hear the people crying out. We need a miracle, a lot of miracles.

You always show up for me in ways that are bigger than I can imagine, God. But this is bigger than before. The biggest so far.

Please. My soul waits for You. My heart. I am not okay with leaving even one person behind. And I know that is from Your heart first.

Please restore my soul, my spirit, my joy. Our soul, our spirit, our joy. To everything that it could be. Like we see in the movies. But this time in real Life. No more dreams – we need to Live it now.

You don’t give stones to Your children when they ask for bread. You don’t give them snakes. Please, God.

I don’t want my heart to grow bitter and cold. Please revive me. Please give me back my happiness, my smile, my joy, my hope, my loves.

And my love. You can do that, God. Even now. You could stand him back up and send him back with even greater revelation than You’ve given me. I want to be there for that. By his side. The one he talks with like before, his muse. The one he takes on drives again. Watches movies with again. I want to show him Seattle in person. I want to show him Friday Harbor. I want to drive across the country and drive across the world with him.

I want similar with so many others. Their dreams realized. The song in their hearts restored.

And even more. So much more. I want to see it on this side, God.

Please help me. You know these things.

Please help me. I don’t want to move on without them. I find it difficult to even want to move at all without them.

I don’t care about anything without some hope, some vision. I am not motivated if this human existence is going to be more of the same disappointments. My heart can only take so much.

I put everything I had into them. I have nothing left. I need someone to be there for me. For real. Not just for a few minutes, or a few days, or a few weeks, or even a few years. I need people, God. I need a family. I need friends.

I need a home to come home to. My own home. I need that very much. I have been wandering for so long. You have provided so much, but I need more. Before I break. I am at the point where I cannot retain what’s left of the best of me if I have to go on like this anymore.

I don’t want to go out like I am, like we are, today. I want You to resurrect and bring us back to Life. Real Life. Please, Jesus. Please, Spirit. Please, Father.

I tried, but I can’t do enough.

I love You.

Just say the Word and I know You will make it happen. Overnight. Even now.

I want to take off and write and make art and get healthy. And have homes. And vehicles. And be able to do so much for others and myself. Get organized also.

I really want to see my love again, God. And so many others.

I hope if I close my eyes that I won’t die and be on another side without resolution here.

I’m scared. I don’t want my legacy to be as it is right now. I know I tried. But I want more. I’m not okay with how things are now.

I don’t have to beg, God. You already know.

Please help me. I don’t even know what I really need. But I know what I want. Healing. So much healing. All around.

And provision. Hopefully not painfully.

I need Your rest. Here. And for everyone, everywhere.

Lots of love, lots of laughs, lots of hugs, and hopefully even lots of amazing sex.

You can do anything, God. We need a miracle. I need a miracle from You.

❤