Sarah Nyhan

I had another interesting development this week. After years and years of wrestling with the issue, I literally had to write myself a note today that basically said, “A job is just a job. Just a way to make money.”

Because for so many years, maybe most of my life, I was taught to basically go into “the world” and convert people to Jesus. We couldn’t just go to work and do our job for the sake of. No, there was always an ulterior motive to everything. Every single interaction was basically a cloaked or even obvious manipulation to convert people.

When I say my entire life revolved around that one thing, it is not an exaggeration. Every mundane thing you can think of was a “witness” to someone. Let’s lean towards levity by only half joking: in my previous life, farting in a public restroom might turn someone off to hearing “the gospel”. So you better squeeze those butt cheeks tight. Lol!

It was exhausting.

And yet, it was the purpose of my life since as long as I can remember because I was born into it. So just take a moment to think how devastating and HUGE it was to have all that stripped away from me! Welcomed initially and still on the deepest levels. But as it pertains to my daily life, just a constant, constant stripping away of who I thought I was. And almost every single action in my life has been changed accordingly. For the better to be sure. But oh so painful. Like will there be anything left of me after all the religion is removed?

Picture if your world revolved around your family. You saw them almost every day. For your whole life. And then overnight someone tells you that it was all an illusion. Those people weren’t real and you’ll never see them again. And you’ll never do the things you used to do ever again. You are being taken to a different planet and you’re going to live there until you die. That’s what it’s like when you lose your religion. It’s that devastating. Yeah, you get to go to a new planet now. But everything that comes along with that just feels like getting beaten up for quite awhile.

Initially it feels great. But we’re going on five years now and it has primarily felt like loss, after loss, after loss, after loss for the majority of the time since. That’s why I write about it. Processing so much. But also leaving behind a trail for others if they find themselves surprised like I was about all the changes and all the wrestling that results from what you initially thought was just an intellectual theological shift. When in reality it changed every little thing in your life.

There’s this really difficult time where you can’t go back to religion but you don’t fit in anywhere else. You feel lost and very alone in this in between space. Because one thing religion does very well compared to most other options is build community. Unfortunately based around fear. Which is why I can’t go back there. Because I am finally free and no amount of community is worth putting myself through that hell of fear-based survival again. But it’s extremely difficult to create a new life after leaving religion. Frankly it feels so overwhelming and impossible sometimes that multiple times these past years I have just wished my life could be over already.

I now have even more compassion for immigrants and refugees. Leaving everything you’ve ever known and starting over from scratch in a place where you don’t know anything or anyone. Where you have no support network and no resources. There are not many things that I can think of that are more difficult than that. It takes immense internal fortitude to wake up each day and not give up hope when the future is so unknown and a million things could go wrong. You have to force yourself to power through more often than not. You have to fight for your life. Nobody is going to give it to you. You have to want it so much.

And so here I am. A religious refugee. A religious immigrant. Fighting everything. Creating a completely new life than the one I was given. And it is extremely daunting.

But then I have these moments, these milestones. Where it will hit me out of nowhere that I am actually making progress. That I’m actually getting somewhere. That I’m actually creating something out of all the nothingness that seems to be left behind. And I’ll start to feel a few moments of solidified satisfaction. I’ll have something tangible to be proud of.

And this week that accomplishment is finally getting to the place where I can be a “regular” person who can see a job as just being a job. Just a way to earn money. Versus a “field for winning ‘lost’ souls”.

Mind-blowing.

And maybe even more importantly, I can want to do the job just for the sake of the work itself. Because I want to do the work.

Versus the horrific mindset that was so ingrained in me for so long: “signs” and “God’s will”. I have given up on that shit. And I believe I have God’s great blessing in that regard. Because, hello, I am not God. And I honestly think God wants me to stop trying to figure Trinity out. And instead figure myself out. Figure out what I WANT. Versus stopping every five seconds to check with God to make sure it’s okay if I breathe or take a shit. Extreme way of saying it, but not so far off from how I was conditioned to operate before.

And I think God allowed me to go there so many times specifically so I would wear myself out as quickly as possible. In order to get over that shit. In order to surrender. And I am definitely there now. After decades. Finally starting to think for myself.

It feels like there should be a version of the Boy Scout badges when you leave religion. 😁 That you wish you could wear around every day to show people how far you’ve come, how much progress you’ve made. Like:

-I went to the store today and bought some food because I wanted it. Versus because I thought God wanted it for me.

-I fought all my suicidal feelings from the immense fears about deciding to go to college for something other than “lost souls”. I signed up to be in something like real estate which to the former religious folks is not touted as being spiritual enough.

-I fought my fears of being cursed and watched a movie with cuss words and sexual content.

-I enjoyed a movie with cuss words and sexual content. 😆 Because there is a difference between watching and enjoying. You learn this as you progress down this journey.

-I fought all my fears and guilt and did something other than going to church on Sunday. And I enjoyed it.

-I listened to music other than worship or Christian music. And I enjoyed it. And it didn’t trigger a compulsive guilt-fueled “cleansing” afterward.

-I didn’t read the Bible today. Or last week. Or last month. And I’m still okay. And I still believe God Loves me.

There are so many things. So many “badges” I could list out that are milestones on this journey. It’s really incredible when I focus on thinking about it. To the outsider, it might not look like I’ve done much. But internally it is absolutely amazing all that I have overcome.

And I still have a long way to go. But I am really proud of myself. This has been such a difficult journey. But I finally feel like I am becoming a human. A regular normal person. And that is one of the most underrated things. Coming from where I have been.