Sarah Nyhan

I used to believe in “the one”. I used to think the Disney and Hallmark version of life that was sold to me since I was born. Or the Christian version with Boaz. That there is only one person out there for me. And somehow I gotta find and figure out who it is or else I am missing out. 

That shit haunted me for years. And I do mean tortured me. 

I’d spend year after year agonizing over whether I was settling. A person who was never taught or encouraged to go for what I really wanted. Raised to only be of service to others. After years of therapy to get stabilized, I didn’t want to sell myself short by doing all that work just to retraumatize myself by settling for the wrong person.

You wanna know what cleared up for me? How I got free?

There were a whole gang of years awhile ago when I wanted to be with, to varying degrees, especially four different people at the same time. Not all together. But I couldn’t choose if I was given the choice between them all. I liked different things about each one.

I didn’t want to lose any of them. I just wanted them in different ways. 

And then there were still others on the peripheral besides the main four. I couldn’t choose at all. 

None of them were perfect enough of a match to be “the one”. But clearly all of them were important enough that I didn’t want to lose anyone. 

I was lamenting to God about this yet again for the two hundred millionth time. When I finally asked the right question. 
Not, “Who is the one?” 
But, “Why can’t I have them all?”

That’s when I heard back in my spirit, “Why CAN’T you have them all?”

What?!?! 

I was the LAST person who would think God would co-sign anything but “the one”. Not only did I believe that narrative for my whole forty-plus years that I was alive, but I had even pushed it on everyone else. 

And NOW I hear God telling me I don’t have to choose?! That of course love is love between consenting adults. Of course one person can’t be everything – that doesn’t even make sense. Of course people change. Of course people grow. Of course you want the most Love in your Life. Of course you don’t want to cut any great humans out.

Of course you don’t have to suspend your God-given intellect. When you finally let yourself get out of your religious mind.

Immediately after I felt Spirit say, “Why CAN’T you have them all?”, these words labeled as verses from Matthew 22 came into my mind:

“they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven”

There are at least as many interpretations as there are people in the world. But to me in that moment everything made sense and was cleared up. Gender and marriage are Earth concepts. Meant for here. For a purpose. Not some law that needs to be worshipped. 

In other words God is totally cool. And marriage isn’t the purpose I thought it was. 

It isn’t your salvation. If anything Love is an act of service. Over and over. Versus some lottery you win and receive. 

When you partner yourself with someone, a lot of people see it as “Yay! Now I have someone who will always take care of me.” Which is why the divorce rate is so high. When real life happens. When all your Disney dreams get completely crushed. 

You didn’t really mean it when YOU said in sickness or in health. When YOU said for better or for worse. 

You were happy they said it about you. But you didn’t really fully mean it when it came to them. You weren’t really in it for the long haul. Your love had limits. You were keeping score. 

And would I EVER tell someone to stay in an abusive relationship? You should know me by now. 

Or would I EVER tell someone to stay in a relationship where they have good reasons to be unhappy? Well, that one’s a lot more complicated. But number one I’m not qualified. Certain things are priorities for me that aren’t for you. And vice versa. 

But in general I just mean Love isn’t cute flirting, silliness, and games. Love is wiping your chosen one’s butt when they are incapacitated. I’ve done that. That’s when the rubber meets the road. When nobody sees. When you don’t get a medal. When you choose the other person back day after day without expecting anything in return. Because you are for them even if when they aren’t for you or even for themselves. 

But Love doesn’t mean tolerating abuse. A parent is able to stomach a toddler’s tantrum because there’s nothing being taken. The parent has all the power. 

Same as God. Jesus went to The Cross because He had all the power to stomach our tantrum. Our fantastically horrid tantrum. 

But if you don’t have it to give without it being an issue then it’s not something for you to stomach or to gift. If it’s being taken from you versus you fully wanting to cheerfully give it then I’d say take a pause to really think through what’s going on. 

People sometimes apologize to me after I’ve given them space to confess really raw emotions they’ve been holding back from everyone else. I always assure them that they never have to apologize about that to me. I am built for it. The complete opposite of being taken from – usually I am energized by seeing the relief people experience when they are able to unload so much that has been crushing them. I am happy for them. And I view being a part of that as some of the greatest honors. 

That’s an example, I guess based off of how people so regularly apologize to me, of something difficult for other people to handle that I am built for. And am so happy to give. So it’s not abuse at all for me to stand with people in those spaces. 

Love, real Love, is like that. When it’s Love. When it’s not abuse. When you have it to give. And you genuinely want to be in that space. 

Take those who genuinely protect and serve. Who put on body armor and stand ready to take a bullet or worse. I don’t have that to give. It would be abuse of myself to stand in that way. I’m not at all built for that. Whereas others look forward to the opportunity. That’s the difference I am trying to highlight here.

It’s interesting that I saw someone from Switzerland say that the mentality there is that peace only comes through the capacity to annihilate if attacked. That they see it as their duty to be able to fully protect themselves. That’s how I feel now about real Love. I only have the capacity to Love you as much as I have the capacity to cut you off if you turn on me. 

It’s only Love if both you and I agree that I can and should tell you to fuck off if you start fucking with me. And vice versa. 

Love doesn’t mean you are signing up for or expected to endure abuse. Or even mistreatment. That I’m supposed to submit just because you have a dick. Or another thing to try to hang over my head and force down my throat. So I’ll shut up and put out in whatever way that you insist this time. No, that’s some bullshit. 

Which brings me back to “the one”. I now only believe that there is the one, or ones, for now. That people come into our lives for reasons and seasons. Some longer than others. And it’s right and it works for as long as it’s right and it works. 

But when the relationship has run its course then it’s time to move on. And the longer you try to hold onto a feeling that has clearly passed, the longer you hurt yourself and maybe others by not letting go. 

If I had to write how I now think a true Love story actually goes, it would look more like:
-Two people meet and enjoy the energy between them.
-They spend more time together because they both want to.
-But people are always growing as they head towards the healing of fully coming into themselves. So the person you met back then may not be the person standing before you today.
-Therefore you get to decide if the path they are taking is also the path you want your life to go down. Without expecting anything in return from them for your choice. And if it is, then great.
-But if it isn’t then you gotta thank them for their presence while y’all were sharing the same heart space. And instead of trying to change them, do the mature work of seeing things as they are, then giving them your blessing, and let them go. Let yourself go. For their sake but probably more for your own.
-And then work on recentering yourself in alignment with Source and who you now are.
-Which will then make you available to fully enjoy again when another crosses your path that you want to spend time with.

It’s that simple. 

That story doesn’t require me to stress about whether I’ve found the elusive “one”. That story isn’t stacked with impossible demands and expectations.

That story leaves room for everyone to have their emotions, and maybe more importantly their freedom. Without things getting crazy. Without years of resentment brewing. 

That also gives me the room to Love more than one person at a time. Have more than one important person in my life at a time. Without things getting disrespectful. It’s just: what do you want? And does it align with what I want? That’s it. Simple. 

I talked to a lady one time who was cheating on her husband. I think getting away with “murder” was more the thrill than the actual man. But I digress. The point I was trying to make to her was that she will never know if her husband would be cool with whatever she is doing if she never has that discussion with him. What if he doesn’t want to leave her either but also wants to entertain others on the side? What if that was cool with both of them? You never know until you ask.

I used to think all this stuff was so binary. So black and white. It surprised the hell out of me that God, I now believe, exists much more on a spectrum of experiences. And designed us the same way.

I don’t think your husband is straight or gay. I think he has proclivities to an extent in both ways. Whether it’s hardly at all to full on embracing whatever there is to experience and experiment. 

I believe if you would be honest then there is a range for you also. Along with most people. The complete this or that being reserved for a very small minority. 

God telling me we don’t understand. And God telling me we’re really like the angels in heaven. Who don’t marry. Meant God is not really concerned so much with gender as the religious zealots make Trinity out to be. 

And then also the same with marriage. Or even children. Which freed me up from a lot of grief since I didn’t get to yet experience either one. Turns out, for me now, that marriage and children CAN BE a beautiful thing. But are commonly quite heavy. I now see them as sometimes blessed by God. But more often a test we demand. To prove we got what it takes. That we’ll prove to God that we can earn what Trinity has already told us is ours for free. 

In short, marriage and children will prove to you that even if you understood what real Love is, you don’t have what it takes. 

Which leads to distress and depression for however long you insist on shouldering the whole world. 

Or leads to the relief of surrender when you finally agree with God about Who They are. And how much more They want for you. 

Not that marriage can’t be a beautiful thing. Or children. The more the merrier if you can afford them – and not just financially. 

But that marriage and children for most of us is a  form of God’s higher spiritual education when we insist on it. A Ph.D in “you don’t have to take on everything”. Until we learn we gotta let God be God.

Some need a spouse and children to learn that. Some of us learn it in other ways. 

Having a body next to you in bed means nothing on paper. Means nothing on the surface. Someone’s heart can be completely for you without the State recognizing a legal union. Without you even needing to label it. 

Anyway, the worst form of loneliness is knowing you are alone in a crowded room. Just because they are with you doesn’t mean they are for you. 

And the fastest way to end a relationship is to try to substitute that person for God. To treat that person as Source, as your everything. When only God can shoulder that weight. 

Ideal relationships are two people coming together with 100%. Already filled up. With excess to share. 

Versus how I used to be: completely decimated. Seeking someone, other than God or myself, to take care of me. 

Yeah, if they got it to give and they want to. But usually not. How many people do you ever see that truly got it together like that?

I had to meet myself before I could ever lose another person I wanted in my life due to me not realizing I had the power, permission, responsibility, and ability to show up for me. The same as I wanted everyone else to.

In my perfect world back then, there would be someone strong I could lean on to for example at least validate the boundaries I was interested in setting. But no, real life and God demanded that I validate myself. 

The point isn’t to create an army of emotionless behaviorally on-point robots. The point is go outside and see, especially in a cared-for cultivated space, how God’s Creativity is exploding out of every inch of this human experience. So why would we then expect that same God to suddenly be austere with us? His prized Creation that Jesus went so far to die for. 

With that alone you’ll never convince me that the point is to suffer. That God just wants us all to be silent, sanitized, sterilized of all our desires, and unthinking robots whose best to god is blind submission and obedience. To that I say: hell and fuck no.

I don’t want to have sex with everyone. I am way too hung up on hygiene and germs to even want everyone around me. Much less up in me. That’s not the point. 

Even as I believe it’s fine for others if it is. Maybe it’s not too late to miss your “calling” as an escort or a porn star. So be it. Go kill it, kid. Lol. Neither here nor there for me. Even and especially spiritually as long as everyone is consenting adults and on the same page. 

But sex hasn’t even always been the most wonderful form of intimacy for me. There are many more precious moments of intimacy that I miss more that had very little to do with being inside another person physically. To get terribly technical about the whole deal.

Just to say I feel free now not to ever limit myself unless I want to, unless that’s a choice I want to make. Versus someone pressuring or expecting it. Especially for any kind of fickle social approval. Church, work, or community wise.

I am free to do whatever I want. And whoever I want. As much as I want. As little as I want. 

I am free to be with a woman. With a man. Even with a trans. 

I am free to marry. Or not. Neither define my value or lack there of. 

Same with having or not having kids. 

I am 100% for marriage when it’s a good match. I’m 100% for divorce when the relationship has seen it’s full course. 

I am 100% for those who want to stay single. Or those that want to enjoy mingling for the rest of their lives. Or until they’re ready for a break. 

I’m 100% for people who want kids when they can afford them financially and have a healthy and supportive community to raise them in. I’m 100% for those that don’t have kids either by choice or not. Having children doesn’t automatically make you a saint. It’s a great responsibility I don’t think many are cut out for. Even though most have the ability to step up if they cared enough. 

I just am no longer placing my worth and value on whether someone is pursuing me. Sure, that can be nice. But if I make it more than something fun and flattering then it’ll get too much in my head. And then God will send me to some ass-whooping so I don’t get spiritually sick. 

Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Real Love can be over the top with affection and desire. But there’s a fine line between that being something extra in your whole life. Versus making it a main thing. Something you enjoy. Versus something you put your whole existence on hold for until you get. 

Look, I’m the one foolish enough to talk about this shit. So don’t listen to me. Do whatever it is that God is walking you through. 

I’m just sharing for anyone this resonates with. So they don’t think they’re crazy. Or the only ones.

And I am now ready to share more time with people I enjoy. Without the religious shit getting in the way. Without needing someone to save me. Without needing to save anyone else. Trusting myself to say no when I don’t feel good anymore. Not making everything more of a big deal than it is. 

Just humans enjoying connection when it feels right. When it feels healthy. When it feels fun and good. 

Not needing to label it anything more than that. 

And certainly not drag it into the church or State to have all the Life and Love drained out.

Which leads me to wonder… what if all this talk of waiting on “One” Savior is equally also off base? What if there isn’t just one Savior? What if there’s more to that also? What if all this time we’ve been waiting on a miracle outside when all we ever needed was already here within? What if that’s why Jesus doesn’t magically deliver us? Because He wants us to see that we can deliver ourselves? That it’s important not only for ourselves, but also to Trinity and also for all of Creation, that we give ourselves that permission. That we realize our power. And not just always stand expecting someone else to step in. That God created us for more than that. That we can trust ourselves. And what we want.