Sarah Nyhan

I drove by the cemetery. To where your plot is. I was crying the whole way up Blanco Road. I miss you so much. Everything would be okay if you were back here and my friend again. If I could hear your voice call me up one more time for a ride. So at least I could say goodbye.

I didn’t realize I loved you so much until you were really gone.

I always thought God would fix it. Fix us. So at least we could hang out again. I thought God was really in it. I thought God put us together. At least as friends.

But then it also feels like God tore us apart also. For what purpose? Just to play with my heart?

That’s certainly not His character. You’d agree with me about that. We’d talk it out like old times and still come to the same conclusion: God is good – no matter what. That’s the conclusion we always came to. No matter how many hours we’d volley back and forth.

So, why my heart? Why can’t I leave you behind? Am I just that much of a loser?

I hate that other women were after you also. But you said we could get married. Did you also tell them that?

Was I just some hurdle for you to get past? So you could admit what you really wanted and leave me in the dust like nothing? Like I never mattered to you?

I just don’t understand.

Would I still miss you if I had a better life? Do I actually miss you or just how you made me feel?

This fucking sucks. All these years later. And still my last happiness was you. My last real happiness.

I’ve met so many people. Probably almost ten thousand since you and I parted ways. And nothing. Zero connection. Not even close to what I thought I had with you. Not even any new friendships that feel the same.

My life just spiraling down the toilet. Deeper and deeper. There were many suicidal days. But I couldn’t even tell anyone. Because they would have locked me up and drugged me into oblivion. And the last thing I needed was more problems.

I don’t understand why God won’t let me move on. No matter what I do.

Is this a eulogy just so I can give myself closure? Why? Just to close this chapter so I’ll be done with it when I finally meet someone new?

I was praying for a husband. I thought I’d have a family. I thought that’s all my life was gearing up for. A community. And in our wilder dreams even a movement.

But now my heart is completely crushed. Now I have nothing. Now I’d settle for a friend.

I don’t understand. Nothing makes any sense.