Sarah Nyhan

“My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding; yes, if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding; He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk uprightly; He guards the paths of justice, and preserves the way of His saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice, equity and every good path.”

To me the theme of these verses indicate that the Christian life is not a passive experience. It seems to indicate that I am responsible for seeking God and living uprightly. To me this seeking is more than just flare prayers in times of crisis. More than just keeping the law or a religious checklist.

In Deuteronomy 4, Moses tells the people of Israel, “seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul”.

The picture of marriage helps me to understand more about how I should seek. For example, would I be happy with my spouse if my spouse spent the same amount of time with me that I spend with God? Would I be happy with my spouse if my spouse treated me the same way I treat God? Would I be happy with my spouse if my spouse talked to me the same way I talk to God?

I have a friend who has a boss that is very difficult to work with. Her boss has indicated that he has a bad marriage. My friend mentioned that his marriage might improve if he paid more attention to his wife. He responded by saying, “I pay attention to my wife – I give her fifteen and a half SECONDS when I walk in the door.” Then he laughed. But is it laughable if I only spend fifteen and a half SECONDS every day with my Creator who gives me every breath?

Daniel 5: “the God who holds your breath in His hand and owns all your ways, you have not glorified.”

I do not want to be one of many. I want to be my spouse’s one and only. Even more so, God will not be one of many gods in my heart. God repeatedly mentions the failure of the Israelites to remove the idols from Israel. They wanted to worship God as one of many, almost like a lucky charm. They didn’t want to put Him first and completely commit to Him.

Exodus 20: “I am the Lord your God… you shall have no other gods before Me… you shall not bow down to them or serve them.”

Matthew 22: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. For this is the first and great commandment.”

What are the idols in my life? What are the things that I place higher than God? What are the areas where I have not fully committed to God? When I die, school won’t matter, my career won’t matter, my vehicle won’t matter, my residence won’t matter, money won’t matter, my appearance won’t matter, the approval of others won’t matter, even my spouse won’t matter. When I die and stand before Jesus, the only thing that will matter will be whether I am going to heaven or hell.

Matthew 7: “Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name? And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you, depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’”

Matthew 23: “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs …you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

Revelation 2: “… you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place – unless you repent.”

James 2: “You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe – and tremble! But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?”

Will Jesus know me when I stand before Him? How am I different from the Pharisees? What is the difference between the demons and me?

David with all his grievous sins is remembered as a man after God’s own heart. We read David’s Psalms but do we take the time to seek God for our own life in like manner? Before Adam and Eve sinned and hid themselves from God, they were able to talk with Him and He walked in the garden with them. Likewise, Enoch is recognized by God for simply walking with Him.

My mentor at school is the director of the program, has taught for over 40 years, and has been in business for over 40 years. There are hundreds of students he encounters each semester, thousands over his career. Any of them have the same opportunity to reach out to him as I do. But how many are so self-absorbed that they don’t see or appreciate the gift staring them in the face?

One of my coworkers heard me speak highly of my mentor on several occasions. Then she met him “by chance” and he offered to mentor her. She rejected the offer by not pursuing the relationship. That’s when it really became clear to me that God offers Himself to all but who really wants Him? When we get our one-way ticket to the judgement seat, it won’t be on Jesus if He says, “I never knew you.” It will be our choice.

One of my favorite gospel songs has the lyrics, “In the morning when I rise give me Jesus.” But in my heart, too many times my actual desire was, “In the morning when I rise, give me Facebook”. Or give me money. Or give me a spouse.

These verses in Proverbs are saying to me, “First things first.” Besides God not sharing His glory, there is no way a marriage can be built on the foundation of me elevating a man to a position only God is qualified to fill.

In the last Bible study group I started, Taqui talked about the Hebrew words for man and woman. The best I can quickly explain it is that:

-the Hebrew word for man is ish
-the Hebrew word for woman is isha

-the Hebrew word for man is spelled: aleph, yod, sheen
-the Hebrew word for woman is spelled: aleph, sheen, hey

The difference between these two words is:
-the letter yod in the word for man
-the letter hey in the word for woman.

If you combine the letters yod and hey, they become the abbreviated Hebrew name for God: Yah.

Now if you remove those same two letters from the words for man and woman, you are left with the word ‘fire’. The picture God has given us is that when a man and a woman come together without God then they are fire and fire – they destroy each other.

I think the lesson God is teaching me is that the key to a more successful marriage is for each spouse to pursue God on their own. The closer they get to God then the closer they are drawn to each other.

As a single person, I sometimes think life would be better or easier if I was married. But these verses are a reminder that my marriage only ever has the potential to be as good, vibrant, and healthy as my relationship with God. My spouse will not complete me. Marriage, more so than other relationships, will amplify what is already in me.

So what keeps me from God? For many years others misrepresented God to me as a mean, angry, selfish old man that I had to appease in order to not be the object of his rage. When the songs about God being a father played in church, I wouldn’t sing. To me a father was the worst thing God could be. I would get sick to my stomach with disgust and anger.

To me God had a checklist of things I had to do so I didn’t go to hell. I pursued him that way at first. I believe He honored my efforts because He knew that was all I had at the time. But the more I tried to finish all the things I thought were on His checklist, the more I realized I was failing and there was no hope for me. I was really angry at God and thinking, “This is impossible! How can anyone ever do all of this?”

I think that is the point where a lot of people get stuck and stop seeking God. They may keep up appearances for the approval of others but they aren’t free to live or love fully. There is that gnawing sick feeling inside. Nothing really satisfies because there is some peace missing.

When I go through that, I constantly distract myself or I will be overwhelmed with despondency. But eventually I run out of energy to keep the thoughts and feelings away. I come to the end of myself. I have nothing to offer God.

He meets me there in those times and shows me grace, love, mercy, and even makes me laugh. I experience Him showing off for me in ways that are so personal that I can’t deny His existence or love and concern for me.

I am drawn to that God versus the false one that people misrepresented to me and that satan is never going to stop trying to remind me of. Just like with Eve in the beginning. That’s why I need to seek God daily. Otherwise I’ll forget and lose sight of who God really is.

I’ve learned that God made a way when there was no way for me. I thought I had to bring God perfect holiness. And I do if I want to get to heaven on my own. But He is big enough to handle the real me. All of me. All the ugly. And that was the key to getting unstuck and moving forward in my heart with God. Always with respect but with total honesty. I’ve admitted things to Him that I don’t ever want anyone else to know. I’ve cried out to God, “I’m so angry at You right now!” Still being humble and knowing my place but giving Him my whole heart. Not just the parts that I think are cleaned up enough. I’m not enough but Jesus is enough.

Isaiah 64: “You are indeed angry, for we have sinned – in these ways we continue; and we need to be saved. But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags…”

I used to reduce seeking God to an intellectual exercise or living like Mother Teresa. But now I think seeking God is something much more personal. It’s like the closest you have ever felt to another human being but then some more. Where the human being ran out or ended, God never runs out or ends.

When we talk about seeking God, I think of Jacob. He came from a dysfunctional family. He screwed things up with his own wives and children. He tried to solve his problems without turning to God. His shrewdness alienated him from several. What’s interesting to me is that it appears many times for a great portion of Jacob’s life that he refers to God impersonally as “the God of my father”. But when Jacob finds himself fearing the reaping of the consequences for all of his decisions, he has an experience where he wrestles with God and says I won’t let go of You God until You bless me.

To me that’s what seeking God is all about. It is a wrestling. It’s saying, “I know about You intellectually, God, but I am not experiencing You right now like I want to or feel I should. I’m going to sit here and pray and read until I find You, God.”

I heard a story about a man and a woman who used to sit together on the bench seat of his pickup truck. One day the wife says to the husband, “Why don’t you sit next to me like you used to?” He, always the one driving, says to her, “You are the one who moved.” All she had to do was scoot back over next to him.

I think the same applies to my relationship with God. It’s not Him who has grown cold. I just have to turn back and get closer. Because it’s the right thing to do first, and then the feelings will catch up. When I find myself resisting God, I am learning to take a time out to really look at those uncomfortable feelings and thoughts towards God and bring them to Him with the utmost respect but also total honesty. And ask Him, “What happened? How did I get here? How do I get where I want to be? Where You want me to be? What is standing between me and You? What do I need to do? What is keeping me from real relationship with You?”

James 4: “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously?” But He gives more grace. Therefore He says, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded… Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

I have a friend who admitted to me that she is committing adultery. She told me, “I don’t even know if I want to be a Christian anymore.” That’s about as real as it gets. I’m not advocating her sin or being that close to walking away from God, because like I mentioned with my mentor before, God gives us salvation and it’s our free will to reject it. But I think it would do us good to get that honest with God. He already knows anyway. For me healing seems to come when I bring all of me to Him based on what Jesus accomplished versus staying away because I am still trying to get to heaven on my own merits.

Isaiah 1: “Come now, and let us reason together, “ says the Lord, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

What encourages me is that we are promised that God will give us what we ask for if it is according to His will. Unfortunately there are no Bible verses that tell me it is God’s will that I have a big beautiful blue Toyota Tundra. But there are plenty of verses that tell me it is God’s will that I have such things as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

1 John 5: Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.

Remember the prodigal son is a picture for us of how God runs to us with compassion and celebrates when we repent and return to Him. He makes up the difference when we start to walk towards Him. But we are not promised tomorrow. How strong we feel is not an indication of how much time we have remaining. Even the healthiest person is not promised tomorrow.

Hebrews 3: Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called, “Today,” lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end, while it is said: “Today, if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

Galations 6: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.”

Matthew 23: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!”

Luke 18: “And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other, for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Jeremiah 29: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord…”