Every A

When I was a teenager, my mother did something that made me sooo angry. She told my brother that she’d pay him something like $100 for every A he earned on his report card. But then she told me that she’d pay me something like $100 for every ten pounds I’d lose.

That was soooo f-ed up because I would get all A’s on my report card and NOT get rewarded at all for that. And likewise my brother received no pressure at all to lose weight.

My brother then proceeded to of course actually apply himself for once – and earn all A’s. While he was stealing my mother’s truck when she was at work and dealing drugs. But no, no questions about that. All that matters is I’m not fat.

She then paid him hundreds of dollars for his A’s and he bought a stereo system that he would then blast rap music out of so loud that you could hear it outside and down the street.

I’d have to sit there listening to it at ear-piercing volumes until he’d of course shut it off right before my mother pulled back up after work.

Just a constant slap in the face that nothing matters except how f-able I am. I mean when you really break it down. Right?

That was the start of my weight gain skyrocketing. And for the first time in my life I stopped trying in school. I went from the honor roll to failing two classes.

I cannot tell you how angry I was about that double-standard!

Mind you, I was only probably around 150 pounds at the time. I look back at those pictures of myself and I was healthy. I just wasn’t looking like some prepubescent child.

But I was made to feel like I was some horribly fat monster.

I’m still so mad about all the mind f-ery sent my way back then. Messed me up for decades. A huge hit to the way I saw myself for years.

Starting to talk about it now because I am sick of holding all of this in. I’m never going to get better until I can get this hoard of their sicknesses out of me. Stop being the trash can for people to dump into.

All to say, that’s a major reason why trying to motivate myself to lose pounds has never worked. My heart unconsciously resists it all the way.

So I think I will find more success by instead rewarding myself for having consistent healthy habits.