Sarah Nyhan

Just for some context. I am well aware that many might look down on me for sharing as I share. But I honestly am caring less and less about people who will reject me for doing this.

Number one because I think what I am sharing is important. Maybe not for everyone. Probably not even for most. But for people like me, being able to have someone to relate to is not only important, but life-saving.

For example, you might think, “Of course, dummy. Of course you should be open and talk to people in order to feel less lonely.” But that’s not common sense where I come from. And people like me need to hear someone else talk about this stuff.

I was born into a very restrictive religion. I remember when we moved to a new neighborhood in Kempner when I was in middle school. Kids came to the door wanting to introduce themselves and play with us. And I remember my mother telling me not to play with some kids because their parents were divorced.

Now, she probably wouldn’t say that these days. Because people grow and change. And ironically my parents divorced when we were living in that neighborhood. But it’s just an example of the operating system that I have to reprogram in my mind.

Up until less than five years ago, I was still in that religion. Albeit, gradually exiting over a few decades. It was a huge deal when I went to Calvary Chapel San Antonio and the people on the music team had tattoos. Coming from where I came from, that was super rebellious and treading the line of dancing with the devil.

But even CCSA was super about who was in and who was out. The language of talking about who are the “real” Christians is super prolific there. Not to mention the underlying competition to see who is more serious about Jesus.

So, no. It’s really not common sense to me that I can actually talk to people who are different than me. Without an agenda. Without needing to change them. Without needing to label them. Without needing to convert them into my new best friend or “the family”. [CRINGE!]

It really is huge for me to be able to just have a human moment with someone completely different than me. About something as benign as mac n cheese. Although some people’s love of mac n cheese borders on religious! 😄😉

And I know there are still so many people that are socially and emotionally paralyzed like I was. Even if they’ve walked away from the oppressive religion that I came out of. They still don’t know what to do next. They don’t have a new program to replace their old operating system.

And they are terrified. I mean the way these oppressive power systems grow and maintain so much loyalty is by inundating people in a constant shower of fear. Pointing out new “devils” at every turn. To make the people run to THEM to be “protected”.

So I see myself as the sheep that got away from the herd. And is looking back and saying, “Hey guys, look. There is nothing to be afraid of. It’s actually better out here.” That’s all. That’s all my writing is.

And to people like me, having someone come out of where we’ve come from is so incredibly important. Because you have to be able to speak my language. Another person even from a Presbyterian or the common Baptist background can’t reach people like me. Because they weren’t even as strict as I came out of. They weren’t as “serious” about Jesus or their theology.

And so what, we only give a little hope to a relatively small number of people? Only less than half that might actually act on it? So, what? “Is that worth sacrificing everything else, Sarah? Is that worth having so many other people look down on you, Sarah?”

For me, yes. Because the people who are going to look down on me for that are the same people who will never stop at finding something to look down on me for. There is no winning with those people.

They might not be in religion, but they are married to some other club. Be it money, social status, etc. And if I’m not good enough for them now then I’ll never be good enough for them ever.

And why would I want to be tolerated by them in that case? Different ideology, same story. Not religion, but still a cult of sorts.

And I’m completely done with that. Completely done with cults of any sort. I think it’s worth it to put myself out there as I am. And in doing so, repel the people who aren’t willing to likewise show up. (No matter how much I wish I could have the opportunity to love and be in relationship with them.) And then on the flip side attract like-minded people.

Because at the end of the day, I’m not a “bad” person. I’m actually a pretty good ass fucking person. I finally realize that. It’s people that shit on me constantly that got me all kinds of fucked up. But otherwise, I care A LOT. And I work my ass off to try to do the right thing and not hurt people.

Do I always get it right? No, of course not. Especially with all I am trying to claw my way out of. I learn by fumbling about and not getting it right much more often than I’d prefer. But I fucking show up and I fucking try my ass off. And in my experience, that’s way more than most people who have given up and given themselves over at least in part to the dark side.

And giving yourself over to the dark side doesn’t mean messing up. Giving yourself over means not owning your shit when you know you should. It means sacrificing someone to stay in your shit. Like when you have the ability to make something right for someone, but you won’t because you’d rather they suffer than you do the work. That’s fucked up. Maybe understandable on some level, but still fucked up.

And there are levels to this shit. We never stop healing. But I intend to do my best. So no, I’m not going to stop. And I’m not going to apologize. I’m not going to let all your shame that you want to dump on me keep me from doing a good thing. Keep me from bringing to the world what I think is very good to bring.

What would God say? Would God tell me to hide? Would God tell me to be ashamed? Would God tell me to stay small and shut up? Would God tell me that my future depends on doing whatever dance it takes so the “important” people will tolerate me? That that’s the only way?

No, I don’t think so. If you have a problem with me being open as I am, tell your God.

And hey, maybe you’re right. Maybe there is a lane for you that’s different than the lane for me. I’ll give you that. And have to deal with my disappointment if that’s what is best for all. If that’s where the fork in the road is with whoever.

But this is who I am. I like myself even as I have so much I want to change about myself. And I’m done apologizing for existing and sharing my human experience.