My Worth

My former youth pastor turned preacher wrote an article the other day about women. I normally don’t read his work because he is firmly entrenched into what I have come out of, but the title teased of the shit show I anticipated so I clicked on it just to confirm. Because who doesn’t look away from a good car crash?

I mean ideally I’d love to be less cynical, but although initially communicative, he also has joined the ranks of self-proclaimed religious authorities who now just ignore my attempts at communication. Since I won’t worship at the altar of their knowledge.

I say this in general terms, with a tad bit of bitterness born out of years of unending disappointed and frustration. Even as I realize God Loves them just as much as God Loves me. And I can’t call anyone a fool. I can’t judge.

But damn, my momma bear instincts are triggered constantly by their subjugation of the people who look up to them. Who are turning to them for direction with God.

Which again, is why I can’t judge them as good or bad. Even if I can choose whether I agree or disagree with what they are saying. Because maybe this is all part of the plan, a plan. To let those who are afraid to approach God directly, find an end in religion. And end that re-turns them to Source and Life.

But in the meantime, I experienced such indignation after reading what he wrote. More so because I know he represents the thoughts of so many. Which is incredibly frustrating. (Albeit my own doing as I would have never gotten so worked up if I’d just leave these people to themselves – exactly where they want to be.)

And the grrrl in me who has worked so hard to find her voice and worth, just spoke up for the hell of it. For me, actually. As I wish someone had spoken up for me when I was subjected to people like this when I was younger.

And so I replied to Hexon’s article by saying:

All I have to say to this is goddammit, Hexon. This makes me want to throw up.

I wish you’d encourage women to hear from God about what Trinity wants specifically and individually for them. It might not fit your formula. Of do you not trust God enough to do that?

You’re living in an echo chamber made worse by your position. It’s gonna take a doozy to shake you out of the spell you are under and profiting from.

All I hear is constant condemnation. There actually is Life out there. And right inside your house. Then there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth if it takes years to go by before you wake up and realize how much you’ve missed.

I have zero hope that my words will land. Or that you will seriously consider them.

After all, God doesn’t speak to single overweight women who aren’t slaving away for men, especially for preachers. God only speaks to married men who aren’t overweight and who stand up to tell everyone else what to do every week. Right?

But for the hell of it, I’ll send this and plant another seed. Speaking for the little lambs. Not against you, believe it or not.

The gates of hell are always open. LIFE more abundantly. Just be careful talking for God, eh? Jesus dearly Loves His kids. All of them.

“All day, every day Therapist, mother, maid, Nymph then a virgin, nurse than a servant, Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger. Twenty-four seven, baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams. It’s not an act of love if you make her. You make me do too much labor”

Well, predictably there was no direct response from Hexon. I imagine I must be yet again relegated by another preacher to the group of “backsliders” deemed so lost that I am no longer considered a child of God worthy of basic human respect or consideration. So be it.

But he did post a shirtless picture of Bruce Lee on his Facebook a few hours later. Captioned: “Have the courage to be disliked.”

I should have foreseen this. Taking the bait and responding to them in anything other than favorable praise means I am now contributing to their “martyrdom”. Really actually encouraging this shit. Which sucks. Not a good chess move on my part possibly in the big picture. And I know better even as good as it felt not to stand idly by as yet another man tells women to get on their knees.

But that’s a never-ending fight as far as I can see in the future. And really not my business in my bigger plan for my life. The best use of my time and energy is more likely investing in my future as proof of my theology.

Because the worst thing for these preachers is to give them an audience. That only perpetuates this shit. If nobody paid attention, they’d have to finally face themselves. And I say this from painful experience. So I feel confident in speaking on it. I am intimately living my own words.

But since I was already in this far, I replied to his Bruce Lee picture with more than I care to rehash here, but specifically included this phrase: “No martyrdom yet for either of us.” Just to let him know that me disagreeing with him, and letting him know, doesn’t mean he is persecuted.

And that’s enough, right?

But something was still bothering me. Something was still left unsaid.

And I’m not going to waste anymore words with people who don’t care what I have to say. Who don’t value my perspective. Who can’t possibly conceptualize that I might be Loved by God enough to have some insight into something that might contradict what they are so married to. Because they see themselves as better than me. More important. Obviously.

And then that was when it hit me. The audacity. To say that my greatest worth is what I can do for a man!

That was the main fucking problem. The gall! For Hexon to tell God that me, Sarah, that my greatest worth is found in service to men?! Oh my fucking God! That is why this shit hit such a nerve with me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman who wants to do whatever she wants to do for whatever man. As long as no one is being hurt in the process. Specifically speaking in regard to enabling men who hurt people.

But that’s not where a woman’s worth is found. Her worth is found only in her relationship with Whose she is – God’s kid. Her worth is not found in anything else. Not her work, not her kids, and certainly not the gift of her time and energy towards a man in any capacity.

And until you realize this, you will not progress any further. Until you see people how God sees them. As beLoved children, not servants. To be cherished, not condemned.

I am free to do whatever I want to do. Be it collage art, investments banking, world travel… WHATEVER. Even porn or prostitution – which none of you preachers ever partake of, correct?

But what I choose to do has NO bearing on my value or worth! God is well pleased with me either way, any way. Any direction I am turned towards is only for my and our collective benefit and healing. Even enjoyment – you should try it sometime.

If I feel particularly drawn to contribute myself. Or my love, energy, time, heart, spirit, and mind. To some kind of partnership with any man. And I do mean man – not just a male. Then he still has zero authority to expect anything from me. (Unless otherwise legally, contractually agreed upon.)

I am not in service to him. I am another completely equal human being. Just another one of God’s beLoved kids. Just like him. Coming alongside.

My presence and whatever else I decide to bring is a gift. That you are blessed to receive. That you’ll completely miss if you don’t receive accordingly.

And that is devoid of any arrogance. Because believe it or not, when you show up for others you are also a gift too. As long as you’re not lording it over them. Manipulating them. Expecting anything in return other than maybe basic respect.

That’s another problem.

When I give you my time. When I care enough to choose you and your family to spend my limited time with out of all the people on this planet. When I could be literally doing an infinite number of other things with billions of other people.

And as I enter your home and open my heart to you, your wife, your kids. Clearly.

And then you just objectify me. Relegate me as not Sarah. But just a faceless “woman”. Even worse, further distancing your heart from my highest value as God’s kid by further relegating me to boxes such as “single”, “fat”, “homeless”, etc.

Be careful.

I hope God allows you to be humbled by a woman someday. So you’ll see us as we really are.

So you’ll see yourself as you truly are. Only for healing. And your freedom.

Okay, and so I’ll maybe be able to see and feel a little bit of vindication. Selfishly. For all the hundreds of millions of times men like you have stepped on and over me.

There are so many more things to be said on this subject. But I’ll boil it down to this: be careful.

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