Represented a feeling.

I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

I don’t know what happened immediately after the announcement. I just know that the next time I woke up, I was in the library. Reading a book from the psychology section. And I wasn’t usually ever this messy, but maybe I was distracted by everything going on, because for some reason I tried to leave the library with the book. And there was some kind of detector that I had to pass through. Where some kind of fob in the book set off an alarm. I panicked.

I don’t know why I was taking the book out of the library when I just could have checked it out of free. I have no idea. Maybe the “rules” said I couldn’t check books out that would be on my record. About things I couldn’t talk about with adults.

Or maybe that book meant something to me. Sometimes when I couldn’t have the comfort I wanted, an object that represented that comfort would mean more to me than just being an object. I would get super attached to the object. Maybe that is what happened. I don’t know.

All I know is I panicked. I think I put down my backpack and tried to walk out of the library without it. Because I was afraid they would search my backpack and find the bottle of gasoline I walked around with.

Yes, gasoline. For a long, long time I had been walking around with a water bottle that would normally be attached to a bike. And I had filled it with gasoline and kept it in my backpack. I never used it because I really didn’t want to hurt anyone. But for some reason I kept it in my backpack for a long time. Again, I think the gasoline represented a feeling for me that I needed to keep close. More than the gasoline itself.

But either way, I was scared of what they would do to me if they found the gasoline. So instead, I left my backpack behind and rushed through the detectors and walked as fast as I could directly to the school counselor’s office. The same school counselor who had taken me to the emergency room when I had attempted suicide before.

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. Ali Story – Everyday
  2. Boris Brejcha ft. Ginger – Never Stop Dancing
  3. Bruno Mars – Talking to the Moon (Cris Taylor Remix)
  4. dZihan & Kamien – Homebase
  5. Hairitage – High Life
  6. Lost Frequencies ft. Calum Scott – Where Are You Now
  7. Patti LuPone – I Regret Everything
  8. Said The Sky – Treading Water (CloudNone Remix)
  9. Steve Aoki + Jolin Tsai + MAX – Equal In The Darkness
  10. Vandelux – Matter of Time

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. Each Jalapeño is Stuffed With Cheesy Chicken and Bacon!
  2. Elon Musk: Work twice as hard as others
  3. Interpretation of Sacred Texts – Polyphony & Conquest – Bradley Jersak
  4. My Mom’s Gỏi Cuốn Recipe in 30 Minutes (Vietnamese Spring Rolls)
  5. Roy Williams: Telling Michael Jordan he needed to work harder
  6. The Original What You Doing With That Uh uh uh
  7. This Tomato Is Stuffed With BREAKFAST!
  8. Wayne Jacobsen & Kyle Rice – Transformational Love (Part 2)

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