I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.
On the outside it probably looked like I was “stable”. Because the counselor was the only good thing in my life. And I didn’t want to lose her. So I was on my best behavior. Session after session.
But that backfired in a way. Yet again being a “good girl” actually didn’t help me. Because the only thing I was doing was showing the counselor that I was making enough “progress” to “graduate” from individual counseling up to group counseling.
Bad timing. Because I was just on the cusp of being able to trust her enough to be more forthcoming. To start to have the courage to break all the rules. And start to tell her how bad it all really was.
But that would never happen in group therapy. Too much danger. Because even those these girls were my age, I was too closed off to consider anyone else “safe” enough to talk to. It had taken months to even consider doing so with the counselor.
So the little girl inside of me tried to do what had always worked before: go back inside while the “outside Sarah” took over and did what needed to be done. Showed up to group therapy and played nice. So we would still be able to continue to see the counselor.
But it was too late. The life the counselor had brought back to her would not be shut down as easily as before. Now there was the burden of knowing. Of being awake enough to start to feel all that had been held back all these years.
Not to mention the mountains of intense painful awareness rapidly multiplying now due to the simple juxtaposition of experiencing someone really caring about me. Really concerned. Really healthy.
Unbearable now to go back to what I had been used to for so many years.
Eventually the pressure was too much.
Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.
- Bob The Drag Queen – Bitch Like Me
- Charlie Puth – Attention
- Cookin’ On 3 Burners ft. Mantra – The World Is Cold (Live)
- Naations – Alive (Cages Remix Radio Edit)
- Nick Adams – She’s All That
- Quail P – Prevail
- Rachael Lampa ft. TOBYMAC – Perfectly Loved
- Reba McEntire – I’m Gonna Take That Mountain
- YA NINA – Sugar
- Z-Ro – One Two
Other content I’ve consumed.
Sarah Nyhan 