I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.
The counselor gave really big hugs for such a small lady. And she smelled like goodness. I’m sure it was just perfume of some sort. But I had never smelled anyone that smelled so good. It was like if you had a nice family with a mom or a grandma that really loved you. That kind of goodness. It made my heart hurt.
I gravitated towards this counselor woman like a drowning person in the middle of a storm in the ocean. I feel ashamed about this, but I was just a kid. A really messed up kid.
Everyone else just wanted me to do something or behave a certain way. But she was different. And her kindness was starting to wake me up.
But it was like when they tap oil underground. A geyser of emotions. With nowhere to go. And she couldn’t have known because I didn’t know how to tell her.
Numbers were feelings.
Sometimes I was feeling “six”. Which was black and evil.
And you couldn’t say “one”. That was God and not to be named.
“Seven” wasn’t either.
“Five” was safe.
People were “black”.
Sometimes “red”. “Red” was bad.
People were even music and sounds.
And lines on pages that looked like Pollock paintings.
Or arrows and animals.
But worst, body parts.
Sometimes a man would be a belt buckle, or a belly, or the worst – hairy tops of his fingers or hand.
This counselor – she was a hug.
But I was just a kid. How could I explain all that to someone?
They ask me how I am doing and the only thing in my head is numbers, colors, sounds, body parts, lines, music, moving energy. I didn’t have words back then like I do now:
“Lady, where I am from nobody cares how I feel. Nobody asks about me. It’s only do this or do that. Be this or be that. And shut up. You exist as an object in reference and deference to others. You are nothing. Be grateful you have food, clothes, and a place to stay.”
The counselor opened up a box that couldn’t ever be closed again. There was too much.
Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.
- GRiZ – Can’t Get Enough
- Kizz Daniel ft. Philkeyz – Nesesari
- Lil’ Keke – I’m A G
- Lil’ Keke – Southside
- Masego + FKJ – Tadow
- Nappy Roots – Awnaw (All Hooks up Version)
- RÜFÜS DU SOL – Eyes
- Tangerine Kitty – Dumb Ways To Die
- Trae – Swang (Screwed)
- Z-Ro – Mo City Don
Other content I’ve consumed.
Sarah Nyhan 