At first I was actively trying to discourage the counselor. I was trying to make her walk away from me. Instead of waiting for her to let me down. Because I was so pissed at so many other adults. And I was not going to just run in there and trust her. Like I had tried to do so many times before with others. No! I put on my angry face. My mad face. To intimidate her. So she’d leave me alone like all the rest. So she’d know I wasn’t one to play with.
But she didn’t appear to be intimidated. Or mad. And she didn’t respond out of ego. Instead, at the time she seemed like love and joy personified. Such strength in her tiny frame. I was in awe.
And she kept showing me care and concern. Saved my life all over again. Saved my heart. Called to me in my depths. Gave me hope. That I could be seen. That someone cared about what I had to say. That my feelings and thoughts mattered. She didn’t just dismiss me with some religious shit.
People can’t hear you in their pain. They don’t care what you know until they know that you care. And she epitomized that with me. I listened to her because she proved over and over that she gave a shit. She was able to reach me. She kept me alive. More importantly, she kept my hope alive. And I am forever grateful.
I realized later on that I never wanted to be dead. I only wanted to escape the pain and the situations.
But talking with her also woke me up to where I couldn’t escape the thoughts and feelings as easily. And had to start facing things. The pressure had been building for years.
Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.
- Gramatik – In My City
- Gramatik – Late Night Jazz
- Gramatik – No Way Out
- Gramatik – Tranquilo
- GRiZMATiK – As We Proceed
- Masego – Big Girls
- Masego – Shawty Fishin’ (Blame The Net)
- Masego – Sides Of Me
- Muse – Knights Of Cydonia (Gramatik Remix)
- Stromae – c’est stromae
Other content I’ve consumed.
Sarah Nyhan 