I keep getting really discouraged and frustrated because what I want seems to be taking so long. And seems to be so far off.
And it might be good to keep my eyes focused on what I want. But I forget sometimes to look behind and see how far I’ve come.
Because sometimes the work looks like more loss rather than tangible progress.
But think of a property renovation. Sometimes you have to break the whole thing down to the studs, to the foundation. And then totally rebuild. That’s basically what it’s been like for me the past decade. Everything. The old has been completely stripped away.
I’m encouraged that Spirit reminds me only the good will remain. So if I’m still here then that means all is not lost. That means there is still good to work with. To build on.
The grieving process has just been really tough. To face, accept, and mourn all that I was so married to before. What I thought was my identity. Who I thought I was going to do life with. What I wanted in terms of lifestyle and career. It has been a very painful goodbye to my idea of things.
Intellectually I can tell you that I believe better will be in my future. If I don’t give up now. If I keep planting the seeds for better. But man, patience is not my strong suite. The in-between is not fun for me. The waiting sometimes seems like torture.
But that’s because of the stories I tell myself. So I am learning not to judge. I can fully admit what I want and don’t want. But judging situations and circumstances as good or bad is what messes me up – if I let it. Because I don’t know. Only God knows what is good or bad. And God says Trinity works all things for good. Somehow, some way.
So I don’t deny my feelings. In fact, I fully embrace them. I ask them what they are trying to tell me. Where they are trying to turn my attention. I value them. But they are only one part of the equation. And just like me, they don’t know everything. So I don’t give them the final say especially if what they are telling me contradicts what I believe in my mind is God’s character.
And I feel more peace this way. I am able to bounce back quicker these days. No longer feeling despondent for days on end. Even if I have moments each day.
Because life is really tough right now for a lot of people. But that’s another thing. I am learning to just focus on what is in front of me. What I have the power to change.
And sure, there is the possibility that I am making my bed on a Titanic that is sinking. But I think the stronger chance is that I’ll still be here through whatever storms we as a society are insisting on running towards.
So I plan on doing my best in this season. Not giving into the very real temptation to become nihilistic. If this period we’re entering is a collective deep healing, then I’m gonna face the music as soon as possible and get my turn over with.
For my best, I believe. If there is more of what will make our hearts sing on the other side of all this surgery, then let me get to it! I’m not trying to spend the rest of my time here avoiding the inevitable and rejecting the invitation to trust Trinity for Their best.
Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.
- CPUP – The Truth
- FAITHFUL & Amy Grant ft. Ellie Holcomb – A Woman (Live)
- Hayden James & SIDEPIECE – Lights Go Down
- Labrinth & Zendaya – I’m Tired
- Lil G Rocc – Ain’t Heard Of Me
- Nacho Picasso – Big Ass Titties
- Tamari Aka Knowledge – Feed My Family
- The Knocks, Sofi Tukker – Brazilian Soul (Daco Remix)
- theBREAX ft. J.R. – Perfect Storm
- Trivecta ft. Isaac Warburton – Back to the Start
Other content I’ve consumed. Eat the meat, spit out the bones.
- How to Be a Drag Queen | Trixie Mattel’s Advice on How to Start Your Drag Career
- How To Stop Being Sad | Sunday Cool Studios
- How to Transition a Rooster to a Hen!
- Jim Breuer – Marriage Warrior
- Setting boundaries: Why grown men love girls (TW)
- These are my FAVORITE breakfast potatoes!
- Trauma, Revenge and Redemption-Clark Fredericks
- when people from California go to Waffle House
- Where’s My Life Going?
- your friend who wants to move to Austin