Spirit told me that it was because they are afraid.
Which is so sad. Because, and I have been there myself for years, their time is spent on religious activities almost more than anyone I know.
Yet they are still afraid. Still don’t trust God.
In my opinion, because they don’t know the REAL God. Enough. Experienced Trinity, sure. But know God, unfortunately not as much as the anti-Christ pushed on them ad nauseam.
So sad and frustrating for me. To watch as the years go by.
But then they said something recently that made it all make sense. Because they’re not as dumb as they’ve convinced themselves that they are. It just hurts too much for them to have to face and reconcile the truth.
But it all made sense to me when I heard them say that they want to be comfortable. That’s what they prioritize.
Understandable. Because some of us have seen the really hard side of life more than others.
And to be honest, it’s God alone that got me here. I’ve kicked and dragged and screamed the entire way. Perfectly fine, for a time, to settle for just a little more comfort in the hells I had no idea I was in. Initially.
So first, I can’t judge.
And second, I guess I get it. To some extent.
Although I absolutely despised the failure of the adults who choose comfort over protecting me. So my anger about that doesn’t give you as much slack as maybe Jesus does. Honestly.
Does part of you feel like a slave?
Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation over 160 years ago.
Jesus declared your freedom over 2,000 years ago.
But you’re like the Israelites who were delivered from Pharaoh’s abuse but begged to go back. Because why? Because they were comfortable enough.
This is a human issue.
But you are like the slaves that stayed on the plantation even after they were freed. Hoping one day their submission would garner some actual affection. That they’d truly be valued instead of completely used up.
Would they keep you around if you weren’t useful? Would they keep you around if you couldn’t perform? Would they take care of you if you couldn’t provide or do for yourself? I mean personally take care of you? Clean your butt, change your dressings, be patient with you if you could never do for them again?
Or would they offload your care onto others? Other slaves? You know better than I do.
Would they make a show of doing for you in front of others in order to market on their sympathies? In order to take advantage of the other slaves lined up to compete with you for attention? In ultimately failed attempts to feel seen and validated? Much less truly cared for.
This is classic narcissism. Textbook. And you support it. Just like you were taught in childhood. That’s why you are here in the first place.
But not why you stay after you know better. No, that is different. That is more nuanced. That is you camping just on the other side of The Promised Land. Saying you trust God, but not putting Trinity to the test.
Because you’re comfortable not having enough. You’re comfortable not standing up for yourself. You’re comfortable not stirring up any resistance. You’re comfortable lying to yourself and everyone else. Just to “keep the peace”.
That’s not your childhood. That’s you refusing Jesus. Refusing yourself. Worshipping what’s left of your comfort over all that could be waiting for you on the other side of letting God tell and show you how much Trinity really Loves, values, and sees you. Cares intimately about each and every pain. Every tear.
You know the truth. It haunts you day and night. No matter how busy you try to be. No matter how many songs about Jesus you sing. No matter how many verses you read. You know the truth deep down in your heart. It’s why you are still so angry. It’s why you are jealous. Why you hate.
You try to hide behind all the verses. All the theology. But it doesn’t work. I’ve seen you before. I’ve heard you. Your anger when you can’t control it. You even told me to shut up. And then denied doing so later.
Me taking any offense isn’t the point. Although that was bullshit. But the bigger issue is you. Your heart.
You can keep turning me down. If that’s the legacy you’re comfortable leaving. And I’ll eventually move on. At least in body. Never in heart or mind.
But just like how many times before, God will bring more. To coax your heart to at least consider some healing.
How long will you kick against the goads?
This isn’t about anyone else. This is absolutely about you. The you that was and is still that little kid with no one to turn to.
You have proven it all these years. That you don’t need anyone. That you’re no weak bitch. That you can take it. Whatever comes your way.
Because you had to, love. You had no other choice.
But that was then. Maybe God wants you to know how different real Love looks.
But that would mean facing your grief. And you don’t think you have anyone that would still be around if you stop performing and broke down. Not even the ones physically closest to you.
Because you know you haven’t been the real you. You know a lot of them think they love the person you pretend to be.
You don’t even know where to start over.
Just with Jesus for now. Could you dare that much honesty?
Jesus already knows. And He isn’t looking away. He isn’t disappointed. He’s been waiting all this time to comfort you. Real comfort that actually would satisfy your soul. Speak to the deepest hurts. If you’d at least let Jesus see them.
Will the master of the plantation let the slaves get angry at him? Yell and scream at him? Call him all kinds of names? What would happen if they were honest with the master of the plantation?
Jesus is different. He proved it when you hung him up, pressed thorns into his head, and whipped him almost to death. Jesus said you have nothing to be scared of with Him. Jesus Loves you.
But will you receive Him? Will you trust that you will be as safe as ever if you finally let all that rage out and blame Him for every time He hasn’t saved you from pain?
This isn’t about me.
I wish you would for at least your sake.
Even if you never tell me.
I wish you would have the courage to value yourself as much as Jesus does. That you’d put that damn Bible down and actually experience Jesus in your heart again. Not hiding away in keeping your mind so busy and tired that you convince yourself at least momentarily that you’ve succeeded in keeping all the emotions at bay.
There is no pressure. Only invitation after invitation extended with unceasing Love.
But you’re the one who misses out if you choose to keep circling the desert in fear. Insisting on returning to what could be considered vomit compared to all the so much more that God would love you to reach out, grab hold of, and fully experience.
There is no condemnation either way. But which story will you insist on?
You are free.
To choose again today. Or whenever you decide you are ready. All of Trinity and Creation is waiting to embrace you.
And Jesus Loves the master of the plantation more than you ever could. Even in the best of circumstances. Maybe you insisting on being his savior has all this time actually been you being in the way of his healing?
Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.
- George Strait – Baby’s Gotten Good At Goodbye
- Key Glock – Tony
- LSDREAM – High Vibrations (Marvel Years Guitar Jam)
- PJ Harvey – The Dancer
- PJ Harvey – Man-Size
- Plies – 1 Mo Time
- Plies – Kept It Too Real
- Plies – Really from da Hood
- Plies ft. T Pain – Shawty
- Tru – No Limit Soldiers (Remix)
Sarah Nyhan 