Maybe you come to a point in your healing where you finally are able and ready to naturally and organically move on. Where you want to live in something more than what others have done to you.
I always tried to force that before. To move on and just be stronger. But I didn’t realize that shit was lingering around in the background. Basically your tears. Your anger. Like a little kid that absolutely will not go away until you comfort her. Until you see her pain and do what needs to be done for the healing. You can’t ignore her. Or I guess you can try, but you won’t be able to outlast your wounds if they need to be healed.
And I have done A LOT of work. I mean people are sick and tired of me. They are sick and tired of me insisting on telling my story. But there was and still is more to tell. And I now know it is okay to do so. Well, at least by my values. And good luck trying to live by anyone else’s. That’s a recipe for torturing yourself. Unless you like endlessly chasing after everyone’s approval without ever really getting the acceptance you could give yourself. And the acceptance you already had this whole time from God. For you, without speaking either way to your behaviors and choices.
And God only knows. I’m sure I have a lot more healing to do. Maybe this is just a break. But I’m itching to get myself back. To get my life back. I’m finally in touch more with what I want. And the number of things I want to do is overwhelming. But not surprising. Given my entire life was on hold. When I used to spend almost all my energy keeping all of what I was fighting inside. Or trying to be so religious.
Now that I have my freedom back, I can actually think of other things besides my pain. Once I really went back and gave myself a hug. And properly comforted myself about things that happened. After I allowed myself to be angry, pissed, and furious. After I gave myself permission not to subject myself to people that treat me in ways that I don’t want to be treated. When I really took responsibility for my happiness.
And it wasn’t by skipping over the process.
Now I am being reintroduced to myself. To the real, full Sarah. Not just the skeleton that was just surviving before.
And there is SO MUCH MORE to me than I presented before. I’m allowing myself to try things and decide how I want to go forward.
And I don’t want what you did to me to be the first or only thing people see. I am so much more than that.
You knew this better than me. You almost succeeded. In making me as miserable as you decided to settle for. So close.
But the only gift you gave me was that I had nothing much left to lose. So I did the work with a lot less fear of failure.
Here I am, world. Ready for MORE!
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