Right now.

Really proud of myself. Doing the damn thing. Getting my shit together.

All by my damn self. And that’s okay.

We were taught to outsource that shit. To look to others to save us. To rescue us.

Because they didn’t want us to know our potential. Or our power.

When we finally wake up, if we wake up, we see that all along we could have been doing what we actually wanted. If only we were taught better.

William Paul Young helped me learn this: https://youtu.be/OPiOhy-x1uA

That due to being taught wrong, we turn to everyone else except God. For everything we need. And that causes us to get all messed up. Without knowing why. Without even being aware of the error of our ways. All along with the best of intentions.

It’s scary. I don’t feel strong. I know I’m a badass. I know I can kick ass. But I still don’t feel strong enough. Because my heart has been utterly crushed. Decimated.

I have to move forward only in my mind. Because my feelings have completely been tapped out. I have hope that they will come back once momentum builds and when the harvest starts appearing in multiple ways. But right now my choices are purely intellectual. That is the only way I can move my body to get anything done. I just have to fight to put each foot forward. One agonizingly laborious step at a time.

Because that’s the only way anything is really going to change for the better. That’s the only way I am going to ever feel better again: if I do better. If my circumstances actually change for the better.

Fuck being entertained. That doesn’t work anymore.

Fuck getting lost in distraction to numb out. That only increases the anxiety and self-loathing. Only makes it exponentially more difficult to get moving once you refocus back to reality. It’s incredibly overwhelming.

I think that’s the key. To get into a routine. And hold yourself accountable for doing those daily tasks that you know will make you respect yourself more. The ones that make you feel like a lousy lazy piece of shit when you don’t do them.

And I know it’s frustrating, but you’re not going to live up to your own expectations. Maybe for a lot longer than you anticipated. And that’s going to be a big battle also. To start, fail, adjust/pivot, keep going, and not give up. Over and over and over. Thousands of times. Disappointed to still be in that.

Until one day you’ll realize it’s starting to measurably pay off; you’re really doing the damn thing. You’re starting to keep the promises you made to yourself. Little by little. Day by day. And that shit is adding up. It’s making a difference.

Others might not see it yet. That’s okay. Remember this is between God and you. They’ll be involved when it’s best. Right now this is your healing. For you.

Because God knows your desires and I honestly believe Trinity is helping you get what you really want!

If only you’ll ask and listen. As if there really is Somebody who cares. For you more than you even care for yourself. More than anyone ever could.

Not that others aren’t important. They certainly are. But what if you’re leading the charge for them? What if that’s what this is all about? What if there always has and always will be hope, but it isn’t yet time to be revealed? What if you are absolutely being invited to participate in that? And even participating now as you struggle with all that has happened? And all that the narrative appears to be when neglecting to include the mind-blowing God I believe and have personally experienced into the equation?

Big words for such a girl as me. Rejected by most of the world. So far.

But, God. Keeps inviting me forward. One step at a time. Never skipping steps. Truly renewing me from the inside out. Every molecule, cell, and atom. Even deeper into all dimensions. For my best.

Will you consider joining me? Asking for God’s take on where you are? Being open to a different and better narrative? That it certainly is not over yet. No matter how bad things sometimes seem. Trinity is bigger than all our mistakes and failures. All our struggles and striving.

Do you believe that? Do you receive it? Would you at least like to if those words could possibly be true?

I hope so.

The world needs you to need yourself. The world needs you to be exactly who you are. Who you want to be either way. It’s not too late.

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