Do It For Me

I had a really hard time. I tried to kill myself multiple times when I was still not even thirteen years old. I think it was before I was even sixteen that I landed in a mental hospital after setting fires. In addition to cutting myself with razor blades and burning myself with cigarettes.

I knew I had so much potential. If I could just get the support, or specifically the parenting I needed. Because even through all the shit, I had maintained mostly grades that kept me on the honor roll. Except for probably that last semester when the breakdown really kicked into high gear. When I was failing chemistry and theater. Both of which I never wanted part of.

I was so pissed. At myself. At the circumstances. At these folks that thought they were better than me when they didn’t have a clue what I was navigating. When they thought their parents not giving them a grand sweet sixteen party was some kind of neglect.

You know what I got for my sixteenth birthday? A book for teens on how to lose weight. So frankly, fuck you.

But somehow I still made it through my first attempt at college. Barely. Much better when I finally was given the opportunity to live on my own.

But overall, my circumstances stole those years from me. And it always bothered me that even though I still graduated with a 3.85 GPA, it wasn’t with a degree that I felt really matched my potential. And I knew that I was capable of making much better grades. In fact, I earned that 3.85 GPA basically with minimal effort.

Which doesn’t mean anything when it comes to others. They say A students work for B students and C students run companies. So, that isn’t the point. I’m not better than anyone based on a stupid GPA.

But the problem was me. I wanted to do my best and I knew I hadn’t. What happened with my early scholastic career was not a reflection of who I actually am. It was a reflection of all the shit I was trying to navigate. And that always bothered me.

So one of the first things I did when I started standing up for myself was to go back to college. To prove to myself that I really could do what I always thought I could have done before. That I’d have tangible proof of the real me. Of who I really am.

Overall it was a good experience. I busted my ass and went to school while working full-time. And still managed to earn a 4.0 GPA. See, I’m not a weak bitch.

Which I needed. To prove to myself that I could do it, even with challenges. If I wasn’t being completely fucked on a daily basis. Tortured.

That really increased my confidence a lot. Nobody really gives a crap about my 4.0 GPA. But I needed to do it for myself.

And so here I am now. After going through another few years of transformation. Of doing battle with dozens of other demons. And I want more of myself back again. There are so many other things that I wanted to do if I had been given better support back then. And I finally realized I can give myself that support now. It feels like I am so far behind, but it’s still not too late.

And just like with the GPA, this time I want to do these things for me. To finally show myself that I am strong enough and smart enough. That I had the potential all along if I had been given a better chance. And unfortunately nobody is there like they could have been when I was younger. And nobody is probably ever going to come now like they could have when I was younger.

So it’s up to me if it’s going to happen. To make it happen. And that’s 100% an uphill climb. Trudging through grief threatening to sink you under the whole way. Fighting for things you’ve failed at maybe hundreds of times before. But you have to steady your mind and be your own cheerleader. Even though you know it’s going to take a long, long time. And every single part of you.

But I have to do it. Everybody else let me down. And the temptation is so there to take their treatment of me to heart. To accept that. But I can’t. Something in me, the part that fights and has fought for me this whole time. That part won’t let me be okay with giving up. It bothers me every damn day that I am not doing and have not done the things I want and have wanted to do. For such a very long time.

These are life-changing things. That mean I am going to have to choose myself over even those I love and want the most. If they try to take me off course. It also means I am going to have to say goodbye to a version of myself that is much easier to fall back into. And I am going to have to hold myself accountable.

I’m going to have to stop letting myself down. It’s a crossroads. I fork in the road. If I want what I’ve never had then I’m going to have to do what I’ve never done. Believe in myself. And go forward believing God will help me. That what I want is actually possible. That dreams just don’t happen to other people; they can also come true for me. Without apology. And that all the pain will eventually be worth it.

I have to, I want to do it for the kid inside of me. Let her live the life she still dreams of. Give her what she was never given.

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