But then that means that if I have true free agency to do what’s best for me, then so does everyone else. Which kinda sucks. Because that means I’m going to disagree with people I love dearly. And according to my values, give them the space to even reject me if that’s what they think is best for them. While still holding them in love. Versus the harsh dismissive ways we held guns to people’s heads before when they didn’t conform to our dogmas.

That is painful. That’s another high, high price of freedom. This is where I think God relates and deeply cares immensely more than we comprehend. As Trinity gives us freedom but has to watch as we wrestle sometimes painfully with all that means.

I wish there was a formula to follow to make everything and everybody turn out exactly as I’d prefer. But fact is, let me save you a few decades – fact is you’ll waste super valuable time going down that path. Time you can never get back.

It seems like tolerating a fair amount of mystery now brings me more peace and joy. Only because I can trust. The more I experience (versus only intellectually learn) about God, the more I trust. When even my favorite people seem to be taken from me.

But I try to tell myself that God would never ever take what I value most if Trinity didn’t have a plan for better in mind. Whether that is new people and things. Or restoration down the road. We aren’t going to know for sure until it happens.

So will we insist on throwing a fit? On refusing to move forward until we get our way? I’ve seen people camp out there for decades. Until their last breath. But I don’t want to do that. I can’t believe God would leave me without any hope. Even for now. For today. So I ask to see even just the next step. If that’s all that’s needed right now. And ask for help opening my heart and mind to be able to receive whatever is available for taking next.

This is where we apply all our learning. Not in liturgies for the sake of. But on the battlefield, the graveside, the hospital bed. Not as if our emotional experience does not matter – it CERTAINLY does. But was all this learning for nothing? Is the study of God’s character for intellectual belly-gazing? Theoretical circle-jerks?

I’m only talking to myself here. Any and all experiences are valid and without condemnation from God. But this is how I get through. How I take steps forward in the face of sometimes nonstop very real deep disappointments.