Still Can’t Judge

But I still can’t judge. Unfortunately for me, no matter what. I can’t remember who said it, but the High Priest who pursued Jesus was the only priest who offered the correct sacrifice. In a roundabout way. And a Judas was needed. In a way.

So what makes me think I’m big enough to see the whole story, the whole picture? I don’t know how all these things weave together. I spent most of my existence torturing myself by trying to find the lines and the measures. If I want to have anything that looks remotely like a life with what time is left, then I gotta step back from acting like I’m qualified for that role.

That being said, I’m still stuck in this physical experience. I have to make decisions with limited information and my many limitations. I have to fumble through the best I know how. Like everybody else.

And God knows this. That I’m going to get it wrong. A lot. But the only servant that was reprimanded was the one who did nothing.

Religion nearly destroyed my self-governance. Every chance they got they beat it into me that I couldn’t trust myself. Certainly not my feelings. I remember when I left religion, I was completely overwhelmed with even the most simple decisions. Because I didn’t have a framework of my own for making them. When I realized God really didn’t care either way about most of the things religion had spiritualized, I had to find my own meaning in life. And that was terrifying! One time I went to the grocery store and felt like crying when I was in the paper towel aisle. All the options were too much for my new mind to process. I didn’t know where to start. So I left without purchasing anything. Because I couldn’t make a decision. I had to literally take a break and think about how to decide.

That’s why I laugh when people tell me that I am encouraging people to do anything they want. Because I find freedom a much heavier burden to carry than outsourcing my decisions to another, be it God or dogma.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed in the past recent years since my transformation that God would just give me the answers I ask for. It’s to the point now where if I feel a strong push in a certain direction that I question it more than normal. Because I feel like for lack of a better way to say it, God will even play devil’s advocate if that’s what it takes to break me out of yet another bondage I don’t even full realize I am in.

As John MacMurray helped me see, God doesn’t look at us like soldier robots that Trinity just wants to blindly fall into line. No, God wants us to want healing. Wants us to want love. Real love. Not just obedience for the sake of something like ego.

God truly is for us. There is nothing we can bring out of fear or from a place of manipulation that can bypass the process, can fast-track the relationship past the work of opening our hearts for real connection. This God doesn’t need you to play any other role besides the one you already naturally fill: Their kid.

So as such, I am learning to trust myself more and more. When it doesn’t feel good, I listen a lot more now. I don’t blow pass all those doubts anymore. I trust that they have something to tell me. I don’t fear the whispers of wrestling in my heart anymore. I know they’ll only get louder the longer I ignore them. I actually cherish them now. I see them as little kids that have something to tell me. That need to be valued appropriately. Approached as precious. Just like me. And you for that matter.

So how do I live this life without judging? I take away any morality from my decisions. Or try to. And instead just boil it down to whether I like whatever. Or not. Keep it that simple.

Because nobody yet has signed up to be my provider of happiness. My safekeeper of joy. Maybe not even God when it comes to the daily details. Beyond never-ending encouragement for what might be best. But at the end of the day most things come down to me making a decision either way.

FOMO? Sure. Fear of missing out. Of making the wrong decision. Just like the hoarders. But I don’t want to be paralyzed anymore. Buried in mountains of relics from the past. At least emotionally and mentally. No, I want my real life back. Like when I was younger. When there were laughs and movement and adventure every day. More free of judgement because I didn’t know much better. Or maybe I knew exactly enough. Maybe I now know too much. As they say, so spiritually minded that you’re no earthly good.

In any event, the decisions are much less personal these days. Of course when they involve others, it can get messy. Naturally. Unavoidable. But the difference from before is now there is no agenda. No getting worked up about much. Feelings, sure. But not this lingering in misery like before, determined to change the world. I now know all I have control over is myself. Limited even somewhat in that.

But what I mean is there is no longer some war I have committed to dying for. I approach things much more c’est la vie. Like I wish we were all on the same page, but clearly we’re not. So I make decisions based on what I want and what I don’t. And then I let the chips fall where they may. Trusting Healing will keep driving everyone towards whoever and whatever they need next. Trusting people to come back around if that’s what is best.

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